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AMENDED OBITUARIES



TO THE EDITOR:





Sir;I am approaching seventy; it is in sight; it is only three

years away。  Necessarily; I must go soon。  It is but matter…of…course

wisdom; then; that I should begin to set my worldly house in

order now; so that it may be done calmly and with thoroughness;

in place of waiting until the last day; when; as we have often seen;

the attempt to set both houses in order at the same time has been

marred by the necessity for haste and by the confusion and waste

of time arising from the inability of the notary and the ecclesiastic

to work together harmoniously; taking turn about and giving each

other friendly assistancenot perhaps in fielding; which could

hardly be expected; but at least in the minor offices of keeping

game and umpiring; by consequence of which conflict of interests

and absence of harmonious action a draw has frequently resulted

where this ill…fortune could not have happened if the houses had been

set in order one at a time and hurry avoided by beginning in season;

and giving to each the amount of time fairly and justly proper to it。



In setting my earthly house in order I find it of moment that I

should attend in person to one or two matters which men in my

position have long had the habit of leaving wholly to others;

with consequences often most regrettable。  I wish to speak of only

one of these matters at this time:  Obituaries。  Of necessity;

an Obituary is a thing which cannot be so judiciously edited by any hand

as by that of the subject of it。  In such a work it is not the Facts

that are of chief importance; but the light which the obituarist

shall throw upon them; the meaning which he shall dress them in;

the conclusions which he shall draw from them; and the judgments

which he shall deliver upon them。  The Verdicts; you understand: 

that is the danger…line。



In considering this matter; in view of my approaching change;

it has seemed to me wise to take such measures as may be feasible;

to acquire; by courtesy of the press; access to my standing obituaries;

with the privilegeif this is not asking too muchof editing;

not their Facts; but their Verdicts。  This; not for the present profit;

further than as concerns my family; but as a favorable influence

usable on the Other Side; where there are some who are not friendly

to me。



With this explanation of my motives; I will now ask you of your

courtesy to make an appeal for me to the public press。  It is my

desire that such journals and periodicals as have obituaries of me

lying in their pigeonholes; with a view to sudden use some day;

will not wait longer; but will publish them now; and kindly send

me a marked copy。  My address is simply New York CityI have no

other that is permanent and not transient。



I will correct themnot the Facts; but the Verdictsstriking out

such clauses as could have a deleterious influence on the Other Side;

and replacing them with clauses of a more judicious character。 

I should; of course; expect to pay double rates for both the omissions

and the substitutions; and I should also expect to pay quadruple

rates for all obituaries which proved to be rightly and wisely worded

in the originals; thus requiring no emendations at all。



It is my desire to leave these Amended Obituaries neatly bound

behind me as a perennial consolation and entertainment to my family;

and as an heirloom which shall have a mournful but definite

commercial value for my remote posterity。



I beg; sir; that you will insert this Advertisement (1t…eow; agate;

inside); and send the bill to



Yours very respectfully。



Mark Twain。





P。S。For the best Obituaryone suitable for me to read in public;

and calculated to inspire regretI desire to offer a Prize;

consisting of a Portrait of me done entirely by myself in pen and ink

without previous instructions。  The ink warranted to be the kind

used by the very best artists。


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