brideshead+revisited-第24章

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　away　thinking　the　room　empty。
　　　　'This　is　no　way　to　start　a　new　year；'　said　Sebastian；　but　this　sombre　October　evening　seemed　to　breathe　its　chill；　moist　air　over　the　succeeding…weeks。　All　that　term　and　all　that　year　Sebastian　and　I　lived　more　and　more　in　the　shadows　and；　like　a　fetish；　hidden　first　from　the　missionary　and　at　length　forgotten；　the　toy　bear；　Aloysius；　sat　unregarded　on　the　chest…of…drawers　in　Sebastian's　bedroom。
　　　　There　was　a　change　in　both　of　us。　We　had　lost　the　sense　of　discovery　which　had　infused　the　anarchy　of　our　first　year。　I　began　to　settle　down。
　　　　Unexpectedly；　I　missed　my　cousin　Jasper；　who　had　got　his　first　in　Greats　and　was　now　cumbrously　setting　about　a　life　of　public　mischief　in　London；　I　needed　him　to　shock；　without　that　massive　presence　the　college　seemed　to　lack　solidity；　it　no　longer　provoked　and　gave　point　to　outrage　as　it　had　done　in　the　summer。　Moreover；　I　had　e　back　glutted　and　a　little　chastened；　with　the　resolve　to　go　slow。　Never　again　would　I　expose　myself　to　my　father's　humour；　his　whimsical　persecution　had　convinced　me；　as　no　rebuke　could　have　done；　of　the　folly　of　living　beyond　my　means。　I　had　had　no　talking…to　this　term；　my　success　in　History　Previous　and　a　beta　minus　in　one　of　my　Collections　papers　had　put　me　on　easy　terms　with　my　tutor　which　I　managed　to　maintain　without　undue　effort。
　　　　I　kept　a　tenuous　connection　with　the　History　School；　wrote　my　two　essays　a　week；　and　attended　an　occasional　lecture。　Besides　this　I　started　my　second　year　by　joining　the　Ruskin　School　of　Art；　two　or　three　mornings　a　week　we　melt；　about　a　dozen　of　us　…　half；　at　least；　the　daughters　of　north　Oxford　among　the　casts　from　the　antique　at　the　Ashmolean　Museum；　twice　a　week　we　drew　from　the　nude　in　a　small　room　over　a　teashop；　some　pains　were　taken　by　the　authorities　to　exclude　any　hint　of　lubricity　on　these　evenings；　and　the　young　woman　who　sat　to　us　was　brought　from　London　for　the　day　and　not　allowed　to　reside　in　the　University　city；　one　flank；　that　nearer　the　oil　stove；　I　remember；　was　always　rosy　and　the　other　mottled　and　puckered　as　though　it　had　been　plucked。　There；　in　the　smell　of　the　oil　lamp；　we　sat　astride　the　donkey　stools　and　evoked　a　barely　visible　wraith　of　Trilby。　My　drawings　were　worthless；　in　my　own　rooms　I　designed　elaborate　little　pastiches；　some　of　which；　preserved　by　friends　of　the　period；　e　to　light　occasionally　to　embarrass　me。
　　　　We　were　instructed　by　a　man　of　about　my　age；　who　treated　us　with　defensive　hostility；　he　wore　very　dark　blue　shirts；　a　lemon…yellow　tie；　and　horn…rimmed　glasses；　and　it　was　largely　by　reason　of　this　warning　that　I　modified　my　own　style　of　dress　until　it　approximated　to　what　my　cousin　jasper　would　have　thought　suitable　for　country…house　visiting。　Thus　soberly　dressed　and　happily　employed　I　became　a　fairly　respectable　member　of　my　college。
　　　　With　Sebastian　it　was　different。　His　year　of　anarchy　had　filled　a　deep；　interior　need　of　his；　the　escape　from　reality；　and　as　he　found　himself　increasingly　hemmed　in；　where　he　once　felt　himself　free；　he　became　at　times　listless　and　morose；　even　with　me。

　　　　We　kept　very　much　to　our　own　pany　that　term；　each　so　much　bound　up　in　the　other　that　we　did　not　look　elsewhere　for　friends。　My　cousin　Jasper　had　told　me　that　it　was　normal　to　spend　one's　second　year　shaking　off　the　friends　of　one's　first；　and　it　happened　as　he　said。　Most　of　my　friends　were　those　I　had　made　through　Sebastian；　together　we　shed　them　and　made　no　others。　There　was　no　renunciation。　At　first　we　seemed　to　see　them　as　often　as　ever；　we　went　to　parties　but　gave　few　of　our　own。　I　was　not　concerned　to　impress　the　new　freshmen　who；　like　their　London　sisters　were　here　being　launched　in　Society；　there　were　strange　faces　now　at　every　party　and　I；　who　a　few　months　back　had　been　voracious　of　new　acquaintances；　now　felt　surfeited；　even　our　small　circle　of　intimates；　so　lively　in　the　summer　sunshine；　seemed　dimmed　and　muted　now　in　the　pervading　fog；　the　river…borne　twilight　that　softened　and　obscured　all　that　year　for　me。　Anthony　Blanche　had　taken　something　away　with　him　when　he　went；　he　had　locked　a　door　and　hung　the　key　on　his　chain；　and　all　his　friends；　among　whom　he　had　always　been　a　stranger；　needed　him　now。
　　　　The　Charity　matin閑　was　over；　I　felt；　the　impresario　had　buttoned　his　astrakhan　coat　and　taken　his　fee　and　the　disconsolate　ladies　of　the　pany　were　without　a　leader。　Without　him　they　forgot　their　cues　and　garbled　their　lines；　they　needed　him　to　ring　the　curtain　up　at　the　right　moment；　they　needed　him　to　direct　the　lime…lights　they　needed　his　whisper　in　the　wings；　and　his　imperious　eye　on　the　leader　of　the　band；　without　him　there　were　no　photographers　from　the　weekly　press；　no　prearranged　goodwill　and　expectation　of　pleasure。　No　stronger　bond　held　them　together　than　mon　service；　now　the　gold　lace　and　velvet　were　packed　away　and　returned　to　the　costumier　and　the　drab　uniform　of　the　day　put　on　in　its　stead。　For　a　few　happy　hours　of　rehearsal；　for　a　few　ecstatic　minutes　of　performance；　they　had　played　splendid　parts；　their　own　great　ancestors；　the　famous　paintings　they　were　thought　to　resemble；　now　it　was　over　and　in　the　bleak　light　of　day　they　must　go　back　to　their　homes；　to　the　husband　who　came　to　London　too　often；　to　the　lover　who　lost　at　cards；　and　to　the　child　who　grew　too　fast。
　　　　Anthony　Blanche's　set　broke　up　and　became　a　bare　dozen　lethargic；　adolescent　Englishmen。　Sometimes　in　later　life　they　would　say：　'Do　you　remember　that　extraordinary　fellow　we　used　all　to　know　at　Oxford　…　Anthony　Blanche？　I　wonder　what　became　of　him。'　They　lumbered　back　into　the　herd　from　which　they　had　been　so　capriciously　chosen　and　grew　less　and　less　individually　recognizable。　The　change　was　not　so　apparent　to　them　as　to　us；　and　they　still　congregated　on　occasions　in　our　rooms；　but　we　gave　up　seeking　them。　Instead　we　formed　the　taste　for　lower　pany　and　spent　our　evenings；　as　often　as　not；　in　Hogarthian　little　inns　in　St　Ebb's　and　St　Clement's　and　the　streets　between　the　old　market　and　the　canal；　where　we　managed　to　be　gay　and　were；　I　believe；　well　liked　by　the　pany。　The　Gardener's　Arms　and　the　Nag's　Head；　the　Druid's　Head　near　the　theatre；　and　the　Turf　in　Hell　Passage　knew　us　well；　but　in　the　last　of　these　we　were　liable　to　meet　other　undergraduates　pub…crawling　hearties　from　BNC　…　and　Sebastian　became　possessed　by　a　kind　of　phobia；　like　that　which　sometimes　es　over　men　in　uniform　against　their　own　service；　so　that　many　an　evening　was　spoilt　by　their　intrusion；　and　he　would　leave　his　glass　half　empty　and　turn　sulkily　back　to　college。
　　　　It　was　thus　that　Lady　Marchmain　found　us　when；　early　in　that　Michaelmas　term；　she　came　for　a　week　to　Oxford。　She　found　Sebastian　subdued；　with　all　his　host　of　friends　reduced　to　one；　myself。　She　accepted　me　as　Sebastian's　friend　and　sought　to　make　me　hers　also；　and　in　doing　so；　unwittingly　struck　at　the　roots　of　our　friendship。　That　is　the　single　reproach　I　have　to　set　against　her　abundant　kindness　to　me。
　　　　Her　business　in　Oxford　was　with　Mr　Samgrass　of　All　Souls；　who　now　began　to　play　an　increasingly　large　part　in　our　lives。　Lady　Marchmain　was　engaged　in　making　a　memorial　book　for　circulation　among　her　friends；　about　her　brother；　Ned；　the　eldest　of　three　legendary　heroes　all　killed　between　Mons　and　Passchendaele；　he　had　left　a；　quantity　of　papers　…　poems；　letters；　speeches；　articles；　to　edit　them；　even　for　a　restricted　circle；　needed　tact　and　countless　decisions　in　which　the　judgement　of　an　adoring　sister　was　liable　to　err。　Acknowledging　this；　she　had　sought　outside　advice；　and　Mr　Samgrass　had　been　found　to　help　her。
　　　　He　was　a　young　history　don；　a　short；　plump　man；　dapper　in　dress；　with　sparse　hair　brushed　flat　on　an　over…large　head；　neat　hands；　small　feet；　and　the　general　appearance　of　being　too　often　bathed。　His　manner　was　genial　and　his　speech　idiosyncratic。　We　came　to　know　him　well。
　　　　It　was　Mr　Samgrass's　particular　aptitude　to　help　others　with　their　work；　but　he　was　himself　the　author　of　several　stylish　little　books。　He　was　a　great　delver　in　muniment…rooms　and　had　a　sharp　nose　for　the　picturesque。　Sebastian　spoke　less　than　the　truth　when　he　described　him　as　'someone　of　mummy's'；　he　was　someone　of　almost　everyone's