brideshead+revisited-第57章

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once　more　in　the　full　fury　of　the　wind　and　that　night　was　to　be　rougher　than　the　one　before。

　　　　Ten　hours　of　talking：　what　had　we　to　say？　Plain　fact　mostly；　the　record　of　our　two　lives；　so　long　widely　separate；　now　being　knit　to　one。　Through　all　that　storrn…tossed　night　I　rehearsed　what　she　had　told　me；　she　was　no　longer　the　alternate　succubus　and　starry；　vision　of　the　night　before；　she　had　given　all　that　was　transferable　of　her　past　into　my　keeping。　She　told　me；　as　I　have　already　retold；　of　her　courtship　and　marriage；　she　told　me；　as　though　fondly　turning　the　pages　of　an　old　nursery…book；　of　her　childhood；　and　I　lived　long；　sunny　days　with　her　in　the　meadows；　with　Nanny　Hawkins　on　her　camp　stool　and　Cordelia　asleep　in　the　pram；　slept　quiet　nights　under　the　dome　with　the　religious　pictures　fading　round　the　cot　as　the　nightlight　burned　low　and　the　embers　settled　in　the　grate。　She　told　me　of　her　life　with　Rex　and　of　the　secret；　vicious；　disastrous　escapade　that　had　taken　her　to　New　York。　She；　too；　had　had　her　dead　years。　She　told　me　of　her　long　struggle　with　Rex　as　to　whether　she　should　have　a　child；　at　first　she　wanted　one；　but　learned　after　a　year　that　an　operation　was　needed　to　make　it　possible；　by　that　time　Rex　and　she　were　out　of　love；　but　he　still　wanted　his　child；　and　when　at　last　she　consented；　it　was　born　dead。
　　　　'Rex　has　never　been　unkind　to　me　intentionally；'　she　said。　'It's　just　that　he　isn't　a　real　person　at　all；　he's　just　a　few　faculties　of　a　man　highly　developed；　the　rest　simply　isn't　there。　He　couldn't　imagine　why　it　hurt　me　to　find　two　months　after　we　came　back　to　London　from　our　honeymoon；　that　he　was　still　keeping　up　with　Brenda　Champion。'
　　　　'I　was　glad　when　I　found　Celia　was　unfaithful；'　I　said。　'I　felt　it　was　all　right　for　me　to　dislike　her。'
　　　　'Is　she？　Do　you？　I'm　glad。　I　don't　like　her　either。　Why　did　you　marry　her？'
　　　　'Physical　attraction。　Ambition。　Everyone　agrees　she's　the　ideal　wife　for　a　painter。　Loneliness；　missing　Sebastian。'
　　　　'You　loved　him；　didn't　you？'
　　　　'Oh　yes。　He　was　the　forerunner。'
　　　　Julia　understood。
　　　　The　ship　creaked　and　shuddered；　rose　and　fell。　My　wife　called　to　me　from　the　next　room：　'Charles；　are　you　there？'
　　　　'Yes。'
　　　　'I've　been　asleep　such　a　long　while。　What　time　is　it？'
　　　　'Half　past　three。'
　　　　'It's　no　better；　is　it？'
　　　　'Worse。'
　　　　'I　feel　a　little　better；　though。　D'you　think　they'd　bring　me　some　tea　or　something　if　I　rang　the　bell？'
　　　　I　got　her　some　tea　and　biscuits　from　the　night　steward。
　　　　'Did　you　have　an　amusing　evening？'
　　　　'Everyone's　seasick。'
　　　　'Poor　Charles。　It　was　going　to　have　been　such　a　lovely　trip；　too。　It　may　be　better　tomorrow。'
　　　　I　turned　out　the　light　and　shut　the　door　between　us。
　　　　Waking　and　dreaming；　through　the　strain　and　creak　and　heave　of　the　long　night；　firm　on　my　back　with　my　arms　and　legs　spread　wide　to　check　the　roll；　and　my　eyes　open　to　the　darkness；　I　lay　thinking　of　Julia。
　　　　'。。。We　thought　papa　might　e　back　to　England　after　mummy　died；　or　that　he　might　marry　again；　but　he　lives　just　as　he　did。　Rex　and　I　often　go　to　see　him　now。　I've　grown　fond…of　him。。。　Sebastian's　disappeared　pletely。。rdelia's　in　Spain　with　an　ambulance。。。Bridey　leads　his　own　extraordinary　life。　He　wanted　to　shut　Brideshead　after　mummy　died；　but　papa　wouldn't　have　it　for　some　reason；　so　Rex　and　I　live　there　now；　and　Bridey　has　two　rooms　up　in　the　dome；　next　to　Nanny　Hawkins；　part　of　the　old　nurseries。　He's　like　a　character　from　Chekhov。　One　meets　him　sometimes　ing　out　of　the　library　or　on　the　stairs　…　I　never　know　when　he's　at　home　…　and　now　and　then　he　suddenly　es　in　to　dinner　like　a　ghost　quite　unexpectedly。
　　　　'。。。Rex's　parties！　Politics　and　money。　They　can't　do　anything　except　for　money；　if　they　walk　round　the　lake　they　have　to　make　bets　about　how　many　swans　they　see。。。sitting　up　till　two；　amusing　Rex's　girls；　hearing　them　gossip；　rattling　away　endlessly　on　the　backgammon　board　while　the　men　play　cards　and　smoke　cigars。　The　cigar　smoke。　I　can　smell　it　in　my　hair　when　I　wake　up　in　the　morning；　it's　in　my　clothes　when　I　dress　at　night。　Do　I　smell　of　it　now？　D'you　think　that　woman　who　rubbed　me；　felt　it　in　my　skin？
　　　　'。。。At　first　I　used　to　stay　away　with　Rex　in　his　friends'　houses。　He　doesn't　make　me　any　more。　He　was　ashamed　of　me　when　he　found　I　didn't　cut　the　kind　of　figure　he　wanted；　ashamed　of　himself　for　having　been　taken　in。　I　wasn't　at　all　the　article　he'd　bargained　for。　He　can't　see　the　point　of　me；　but　whenever　he's　made　up　his　mind　there　isn't　a　point　and　he's　begun　to　feel　fortable；　he　gets　a　surprise　…　some　man；　or　even　woman；　he　respects；　takes　a　fancy　to　me　and　he　suddenly　sees　that　there　is　i　whole　world　of　things　we　understand　and　he　doesn't　。。。　he　was　upset　when　I　went　away。　He'll　be　delighted　to　have　me　back。　I　was　faithful　to'　him　until　this　last　thing　came　along。　There's　nothing　like　a　good　upbringing。　Do　you　know　last　year；　when　I　thought　I　was　going　to　have　a　child；　I'd　decided　to　have　it　brought　up　a　Catholic？　I　hadn't　thought　about　religion　before；　I　haven't　since；　but　just　at　that　time；　when　I　was　waiting　for　the　birth；　I　thought；　〃That's　one　thing　I　can　give　her。　It　doesn't　seem　to　have　done　me　much　good；　but　my　child　shall　have　it。〃　It　was　odd；　wanting　to　give　something　one　had　…　lost　oneself。　Then；　in　the　end；　I　couldn't　even　give　that：　I　couldn't　even　give　her　life。　I　never　saw　her；　I　was　too　ill　to　know　what　was　going　on；　and　afterwards；　for　a　long　time；　until　now；　I　didn't　want　to　speak　about　her　…　she　was　a　daughter；　so　Rex　didn't　so　much　mind　her　being　dead。
　　　　'I've　been　punished　a　little　for　marrying　Rex。　You　see；　I　can't　get　all　that　sort　of　thing　out　of　my　mind；　quite　…　Death；　Judgement；　Heaven；　Hell；　Nanny　Hawkins；　and　the　catechism。　It　bees　part　of　oneself；　if　they　give　it　one　early　enough。　And　yet　I　wanted　my　child　to　have　it。。。now　I　suppose　I　shall　be　punished　for　what　I've　just　done。　Perhaps　that　is　why　you　and　I　are　here　together　like　this。。。part　of　a　plan。'
　　　　That　was　almost　the　last　thing　she　said　to　me　…'part　of　a　plan'　…　before　we　went　below　and　I　left　her　at　the　cabin　door。

　　　　Next　day　the　wind　had　again　dropped；　and　again　we　were　wallowing　in　the　swell。　The　talk　was　less　of　seasickness　now　than　of　broken　bones；　people　had　been　thrown　about　in　the　night；　and　there　had　been　many　nasty　accidents　on　bathroom　floors。
　　　　That　day；　because　we　had　talked　so　much　the　day　before　and　because　what　we　had　to　say　needed　few　words；　we　spoke　little。　We　had　books；　Julia　found　a　game　she　liked。　When　after　long　silences　we　spoke；　our　thoughts；　we　found；　had　kept　pace　together　side　by　side。
　　　　Once　I　said；　'You　are　standing　guard　over　your　sadness。'
　　　　'It's　all　I　have　earned。　You　said　yesterday。　My　wages。'
　　　　'An　I。O。U。　from　life。　A　promise　to　pay　on　demand。'
　　　　Rain　ceased　at　midday；　at　evening　the　clouds　dispersed　and　the　sun；　astern　of　us；　suddenly　broke　into　the　lounge　where　we　sat；　putting　all　the　lights　to　shame。
　　　　'Sunset；　'　said　Julia；　'the　end　of　our　day。'
　　　　She　rose　And；　though　the　roll　and　pitch　of　the　ship　seemed　unabated；　led　me　up　to　the　boat…deck。　She　put　her　arm　through　mine　and　her　hand　into　mine；　in　my　great…coat　pocket。　The　deck　was　dry　and　empty；　swept　only　by　the　wind　of　the　ship's　speed。　As　we　made　our　halting；　laborious　way　forward；　away　from　the　flying　smuts　of　the　smokestack；　we　were　alternately　jostled　together；　then　strained；　nearly　sundered；　arms　and　fingers　interlocked　as　I　held　the　rail　and　Julia　clung　to　me；　thrust　together　again；　drawn　apart；　then；　in　a　plunge　deeper　than　the　rest；　I　found　myself　flung　across　her；　pressing　her　against　the　rail；　warding　myself　off　her　with　the　arms　that　held　her　prisoner　on　either　side；　and　as　the　ship　paused　at　the　end　of　its　drop　as　though　gathering　strength　for　the　ascent；　we　stood　thus　embraced；　in　the　open；　cheek　against　cheek；　her　hair　blowing　across　my　eyes；　the　dark　horizon　of　tumbling　water；　flashing　now　with　gold；　stood　still　above　us；　then　came　sweeping　down　till　I　was　staring　through　Julia's　dark　hair　into　a　wide　and　golden　sky；　and　she　was　thrown　forward　on　my　heart；　held　up　by　my　hands　on　the　rail；　her　face　still　pressed　to　mine。
　　　　In　that　minute；　with　her　lips　to　my　ear　and　her　breath