brideshead+revisited-第67章

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　　　　'Not　very。　That's　why　I　went。　It's　quite　near　you　know　from　Spain　to　Tunis。　He's　with　the　monks　there。'
　　　　'I　hope　they　look…　after　him　properly。　I　expect　they　find　him　a　regular　handful。　He　always　sends　to　me　at　Christmas；　but　it's　not　the　same　as　having　him　home。　Why　you　must　all　always　be　going　abroad　I　never　did　understand。　Just　like　his　Lordship。　When　there　was　that　talk　about　going　to　war　with　Munich；　I　said　to　myself；　〃There's　Cordelia　and　Sebastian　and　his　Lordship　all　abroad；　that'll　be　very　awkward　for　them。〃　'
　　　　'I　wanted　him　to　e　home　with　me；　but　he　wouldn't。　He's　got　a　beard　now；　you　know；　and　he's　very　religious。'
　　　　'That　I　won't　believe；　not　even　if　I　see　it。　He　was　always　a　little　heathen。　Brideshead　was　one　for　church；　not　Sebastian。　And　a　beard；　only　fancy；　such　a　nice　fair　skin　as　he　had；　always　looked　clean　though　he'd　not　been　near　water　all　day；　while　Brideshead　there　was　no　doing　anything　with；　scrub　as　you　might。'

　　　　'It's　frightening；'　Julia　once　said；　'to　think　how　pletely　you　have　forgotten　Sebastian。'
　　　　'He　was　the　forerunner。'
　　　　'That's　what　you　said　'in　the　storm。　I've　thought　since；　perhaps　I　am　only　a　forerunner；　too。'
　　　　'Perhaps；'　I　thought；　while　her　words　still　hung　in　the　air　between　us　like　a　wisp　of　tobacco　smoke　…　a　thought　to　fade　and　vanish　like；　smoke　without　a　trace　…　'perhaps　all　our　loves　are　merely　hints　and　symbols；　vagabond…language　scrawled　on　gate…posts　and　paving…stones　along　the　weary　road　that　other　have　tramped　before　us；　perhaps　you　and　I　are　types　and　this　sadness　which　sometimes　falls　between　us　springs　from　disappointment　in。　our　search；　each　straining　through　and　beyond　the　other；　snatching　a　glimpse　now　and　then　of　the　shadow　which　turns　the　corner　always　a　pace　or　two　ahead　of　us。'
　　　　I　had　not　forgotten　Sebastian。　He　was　with　me　daily　in　Julia；　or　rather　it　was　Julia　I　had　known　in　him；　in　those　distant　Arcadian　days。
　　　　'That's　cold　fort　for　a　girl；'　she　said　when　I　tried　to　explain。　'How　do　I　know　I　shan't　suddenly　turn　out　to　be　somebody　else？　It's　an　easy　way　to　chuck。'
　　　　I　had　not　forgotten　Sebastian；　every　stone　of　the　house　had　a　memory　of　him；　and　hearing　him　spoken　of　by　Cordelia　as　someone　she　had　seen　a　month　ago；　my　lost　friend　filled　my　thoughts。　When　we　left　the　nursery；　I　said；　'I　want　to　hear　all　about　Sebastian。'
　　　　'Tomorrow。　It's　a　long　story。'
　　　　And　next　day；　walking　through　the　windswept　park；　she　told　me：
　　　　'I　heard　he　was　dying；　'　she　said。　'A　journalist　in　Burgos　told　me；　who'd　just　arrived　from　North　Africa。　A　down…and…out　called　Flyte；　who　people　said　was　an　English　lord；　whom　the　fathers　had　found　starving　and　taken　in　at　a　monastery　near　Carthage。　That　was　how　the　story　reached　me。　I　knew　it　couldn't　be　quite　true　…　however　little　we　did　for　Sebastian；　he　at　least　got　his　money　sent　him　…　but　I　started　off　at　once。
　　　　'It　was　all　quite　easy。　I　went　to　the　consulate　first　and　they　knew　all　about　him；　he　was　in　the　infirmary　of　the　head　house　of　some　missionary　fathers。　The　consul's　story　was　that　Sebastian　had　turned　up　in　Tunis　one　day　in　a　motor　bus　from　Algiers；　and　had　applied　to　be　taken　on　as　a　missionary　lay…brother。　The　Fathers　took　one　look　at　him　and　turned　him　down。　Then　he　started　drinking。　He　lived　in　a　little　hotel　on　the　edge　of　the　Arab　quarter。　I　went　to　see　the　place　later；　it　was　a　bar　with　a　few　rooms　over　it；　kept　by　a　Greek；　smelling　of　hot　oil　and　garlic　and　stale　wine　and　old　clothes；　a　place　where　the　small　Greek　traders　came　and　played　draughts　and　listened　to　the　wireless。　He　stayed　there　a　month　drinking　Greek　absinthe；　occasionally　wandering　out；　they　didn't　know　where；　ing　back　and　drinking　again。　They　were　afraid　he　would　e　to　harm　…and　followed　him　sometimes；　but　he　only　went　to　the　church　or　took　a　car　to　the　monastery　outside　the　town。　They　loved　him　there。　He's　still　loved；　you　see；　wherever　he　goes；　whatever　condition　he's　in。　It's　a　thing　about　him　he'll　never　lose。　You　should　have　heard　the　proprietor　and　his　family　talk　of　him；　tears　running　down　their　cheeks；　they'd　clearly　robbed　him　right　and　left；　but　they'd　looked　after　him　and　tried　to　make　him　eat　his　food。　That　was　the　thing　that　shocked　them　about　him；　that　he　wouldn't　eat；　there　he　was　with　all　that　money；　so　thin。　Some　of　the　clients　of　the　place　came　in　while　we　were　talking　in　very　peculiar'　French；　they　all　had　the　same　story；　such　a　good　man；　they　said；　it　made　them　unhappy　to　see　him　so　low。　They　thought　very　ill　of　his　family　for　leaving　him　like　that；　it　couldn't　happen　with　their　people；　they　said；　and　I　daresay　they're　right。
　　　　'Anyway；　that　was　later；　after　the　consulate　I　went　straight　to　the　monastery　and　saw　the　Superior。　He　was　a　grim　old　Dutchman　who　had　spent　fifty　years　in　Central　Africa。　He　told　me　his　part　of　the　story；　how　Sebastian　had　turned　up；　just　as　the　consul　said；　with　his　beard　and　a　suitcase；　and　asked　to　be　admitted　as　a　lay　brother。　〃He　was　very　earnest；〃　the　Superior　said'　Cordelia　imitated　his…guttural　tones；　she　had　an　aptitude　for　mimicry；　I　remembered；　in　the　schoolroom　…　'　〃Please　do　not　think　there　is　any　doubt　of　that　…　he　is　quite　sane　and　…quite　in　earnest。〃　He　wanted　to　go　to　the　bush；　as　far　away　as　he　could　get；　among　the　simplest　people；　to　the　cannibals。　The　Superior　said：　〃We　have　no　cannibals　in　our　missions。〃　He　said；　well；　pygmies　would　do；　or　just　a　primitive　village　somewhere　on　a　river；　or　lepers；　lepers　would　do　best　of　anything。　The　Superior　said：　〃We　have　plenty　of　lepers；　but　they　live　in　our　settlements　with　doctors　and　nuns。　It　is　all　very　orderly。〃　He　thought　again；　and　said　perhaps　lepers　were　not　what　he　wanted；　was　there　not　some　small　church　by　a　river　…　he　always　wanted　a　river　you　see　which　he　could　look　after　when　the　priest　was　away。　The　Superior　said：　〃Yes；　there　are　such　churches。　Now　tell　me　about　yourself。〃　〃Oh；　I'm　nothing；〃　he　said。　〃We　see　some　queer　fish；〃　'　Cordelia　lapsed　again　into　mimicry；　'　〃he　was　a　queer　fish　but　he　was　very　earnest。〃　The　Superior　told　him　about　the　novitiate　and　the　training　and　said：　〃You　are　not　a　young　man。　You　do　not　seem　strong　to　me。〃　He　said：　〃No；　I　don't　want　to　be　trained。　I　don't　want　to　do　things　that　need　training。〃　The　Superior　said：　〃My　friend；　you　need　a　missionary　for　yourself；〃　and　he　said：　〃Yes；　of　course。〃　Then　he　sent　him　away。
　　　　'Next　day　he　came　back　again。　He　had　been　drinking。　He　said　he　had　decided　to　bee　a　novice　and　be　trained。　〃Well；〃　said　the　Superior；　〃there　are　certain　things　that　are　impossible　for　a　man　in　the　bush。　One　of　them　is　drinking。　It　is　not　the　worst　thing；　but　it　is　nevertheless　quite　fatal。　I　sent　him　away。〃　Then　he　kept　ing　two　or　three　times　a　week；　always　drunk；　until　the　Superior　gave　orders　that　the　porter　was　to　keep　him　out。　I　said；　〃Oh　dear；　I'm　afraid　he　was　a　terrible　nuisance　to　you；〃　but　of　course　that's　a　thing　they　don't　understand　in　a　place　like　that。　The　Superior　simply　said；　〃I　did　not　think　there　was　anything　I　could　do　to　help　him　except　pray。〃　He　was　a　very　holy　old　man　and　recognized　it　in　others。'
　　　　'Holiness？'
　　　　'Oh　yes；　Charles；　that's　what　you've　got　to　understand　about　Sebastian。
　　　　'Well；　finally　one　day　they　found　Sebastian　lying　outside　the　main　gate　unconscious；　he　had　walked　out　…　usually　he　took　a　car　…　and　fallen　down　and　lain　there　all　night。　At　first　they　thought　he　was　merely　drunk　again；　then　they　realized　he　was　very　ill；　so　they　put　him　in　the　infirmary；　where　he's　been　ever　since。
　　　　'I　stayed　a　fortnight　with　him　till　he　was　over　the　worst　of　his　illness。　He　looked　terrible；　any　age；　rather　bald　with　a　straggling　beard；　but　he　had　his　old　sweet　manner。　They'd　given　him　a　room　to　himself；　it　was　barely　more　than　a　monk's　cell　with　a　bed　and　a　crucifix　and　white　walls。　At　first　he　couldn't　talk　much　and　was　not　at　all　surprised　to　see　me；　then　he　was　surprised　and　wouldn't　talk　much；　until　just　before　I　was　going；　when　he　told　me　all　that　had　been　happening　to　him。　It　was　mostly　about　Kurt；　his　German　friend。　Well；　you　met　him；　so　you　know　all　about　that。　He　sounds　gruesome；　but　as　long　as　Sebastian　had　him　to　look　after；　he　was　happy。　He　told　me　he'd　practically　given　up　drinking　at　one　time　while　he　and　K