生命不能承受之轻-第13章

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　interest　to　her。
She　said；　You're　too　kind；　really；　but　I'd　rather　stay　at　home。　I　don't　need　a　job。　
The　woman　said；　But　will　you　be　fulfilled　sitting　at　home？　
Tereza　said；　More　fulfilled　than　by　taking　pictures　of　cactuses。　
The　woman　said；　Even　if　you　take　pictures　of　cactuses；　you're　leading　your　life。　If　you　live　only　for　your　husband；　you　have　no　life　of　your　own。　
All　of　a　sudden　Tereza　felt　annoyed：　My　husband　is　my　life；　not　cactuses。　
The　woman　photographer　responded　in　kind：　You　mean　you　think　of　yourself　as　happy？　
Tereza；　still　annoyed；　said；　Of　course　I'm　happy！　
The　woman　said；　The　only　kind　of　woman　who　can　say　that　is　very　。。。　She　stopped　short。
Tereza　finished　it　for　her：　。。。　limited。　That's　what　you　mean；　isn't　it？　
The　woman　regained　control　of　herself　and　said；　Not　limited。　Anachronistic。　
You're　right；　said　Tereza　wistfully。　That's　just　what　my　husband　says　about　me。　

26
But　Tomas　spent　days　on　end　at　the　hospital；　and　she　was　at　home　alone。　At　least　she　had　Karenin　and　could　take　him　on　long　walks！　Home　again；　she　would　pore　over　her　German　and　French　grammars。　But　she　felt　sad　and　had　trouble　concentrating。　She　kept　coming　back　to　the　speech　Dubcek　had　given　over　the　radio　after　his　return　from　Moscow。　Although　she　had　completely　forgotten　what　he　said；　she　could　still　hear　his　quavering　voice。　She　thought　about　how　foreign　soldiers　had　arrested　him；　the　head　of　an　independent　state；　in　his　own　country；　held　him　for　four　days　somewhere　in　the　Ukrainian　mountains；　informed　him　he　was　to　be　executed—as；　a　decade　before；　they　had　executed　his　Hungarian　counterpart　Imre　Nagy—then　packed　him　off　to　Moscow；　ordered　him　to　have　a　bath　and　shave；　to　change　his　clothes　and　put　on　a　tie；　apprised　him　of　the　decision　to　commute　his　execution；　instructed　him　to　consider　himself　head　of　state　once　more；　sat　him　at　a　table　opposite　Brezhnev；　and　forced　him　to　act。
He　returned；　humiliated；　to　address　his　humiliated　nation。　He　was　so　humiliated　he　could　not　even　speak。　Tereza　would　never　forget　those　awful　pauses　in　the　middle　of　his　sentences。　Was　he　that　exhausted？　111？　Had　they　drugged　him？　Or　was　it　only　despair？　If　nothing　was　to　remain　of　Dubcek；　then　at　least　those　awful　long　pauses　when　he　seemed　unable　to　breathe；　when　he　gasped　for　air　before　a　whole　nation　glued　to　its　radios；　at　least　those　pauses　would　remain。　Those　pauses　contained　all　the　horror　that　had　befallen　their　country。
It　was　the　seventh　day　of　the　invasion。　She　heard　the　speech　in　the　editorial　offices　of　a　newspaper　that　had　been　transformed　overnight　into　an　organ　of　the　resistance。　Everyone　present　hated　Dubcek　at　that　moment。　They　reproached　him　for　compromising；　they　felt　humiliated　by　his　humiliation；　his　weakness　offended　them。
Thinking　in　Zurich　of　those　days；　she　no　longer　felt　any　aversion　to　the　man。　The　word　weak　no　longer　sounded　like　a　verdict。　Any　man　confronted　with　superior　strength　is　weak；　even　if　he　has　an　athletic　body　like　Dubcek's。　The　very　weakness　that　at　the　time　had　seemed　unbearable　and　repulsive；　the　weakness　that　had　driven　Tereza　and　Tomas　from　the　country；　suddenly　attracted　her。　She　realized　that　she　belonged　among　the　weak；　in　the　camp　of　the　weak；　in　the　country　of　the　weak；　and　that　she　had　to　be　faithful　to　them　precisely　because　they　were　weak　and　gasped　for　breath　in　the　middle　of　sentences。
She　felt　attracted　by　their　weakness　as　by　vertigo。　She　felt　attracted　by　it　because　she　felt　weak　herself。　Again　she　began　to　feel　jealous　and　again　her　hands　shook。　When　Tomas　noticed　it；　he　did　what　he　usually　did：　he　took　her　hands　in　his　and　tried　to　calm　them　by　pressing　hard。　She　tore　them　away　from　him。
What's　the　matter？　he　asked。
Nothing。　
What　do　you　want　me　to　do　for　you？　
I　want　you　to　be　old。　Ten　years　older。　Twenty　years　older！　
What　she　meant　was：　I　want　you　to　be　weak。　As　weak　as　I　am。

27
Karenin　was　not　overjoyed　by　the　move　to　Switzerland。　Karenin　hated　change。　Dog　time　cannot　be　plotted　along　a　straight　line；　it　does　not　move　on　and　on；　from　one　thing　to　the　next。　It　moves　in　a　circle　like　the　hands　of　a　clock；　which—they；　too；　unwilling　to　dash　madly　ahead—turn　round　and　round　the　face；　day　in　and　day　out　following　the　same　path。　In　Prague；　when　Tomas　and　Tereza　bought　a　new　chair　or　moved　a　flower　pot；　Karenin　would　look　on　in　displeasure。　It　disturbed　his　sense　of　time。　It　was　as　though　they　were　trying　to　dupe　the　hands　of　the　clock　by　changing　the　numbers　on　its　face。
Nonetheless；　he　soon　managed　to　reestablish　the　old　order　and　old　rituals　in　the　Zurich　flat。　As　in　Prague；　he　would　jump　up　on　their　bed　and　welcome　them　to　the　day；　accompany　Tereza　on　her　morning　shopping　jaunt；　and　make　certain　he　got　the　other　walks　coming　to　him　as　well。
He　was　the　timepiece　of　their　lives。　In　periods　of　despair；　she　would　remind　herself　she　had　to　hold　on　because　of　him；　because　he　was　weaker　than　she；　weaker　perhaps　even　than　Dubcek　and　their　abandoned　homeland。
One　day　when　they　came　back　from　a　walk；　the　phone　was　ringing。　She　picked　up　the　receiver　and　asked　who　it　was。
It　was　a　woman's　voice　speaking　German　and　asking　for　Tomas。　It　was　an　impatient　voice；　and　Tereza　felt　there　was　a　hint　of　derision　in　it。　When　she　said　that　Tomas　wasn't　there　and　she　didn't　know　when　he'd　be　back；　the　woman　on　the　other　end　of　the　line　started　laughing　and；　without　saying　goodbye；　hung　up。
Tereza　knew　it　did　not　mean　a　thing。　It　could　have　been　a　nurse　from　the　hospital；　a　patient；　a　secretary；　anyone。　But　still　she　was　upset　and　unable　to　concentrate　on　anything。　It　was　then　that　she　realized　she　had　lost　the　last　bit　of　strength　she　had　had　at　home：　she　was　absolutely　incapable　of　tolerating　this　absolutely　insignificant　incident。
Being　in　a　foreign　country　means　walking　a　tightrope　high　above　the　ground　without　the　net　afforded　a　person　by　the　country　where　he　has　his　family；　colleagues；　and　friends；　and　where　he　can　easily　say　what　he　has　to　say　in　a　language　he　has　known　from　childhood。　In　Prague　she　was　dependent　on　Tomas　only　when　it　came　to　the　heart；　here　she　was　dependent　on　him　for　everything。　What　would　happen　to　her　here　if　he　abandoned　her？　Would　she　have　to　live　her　whole　life　in　fear　of　losing　him？
She　told　herself：　Their　acquaintance　had　been　based　on　an　error　from　the　start。　The　copy　of　Anna　Karenina　under　her　arm　amounted　to　false　papers；　it　had　given　Tomas　the　wrong　idea。　In　spite　of　their　love；　they　had　made　each　other's　life　a　hell。　The　fact　that　they　loved　each　other　was　merely　proof　that　the　fault　lay　not　in　themselves；　in　their　behavior　or　inconstancy　of　feeling；　but　rather　in　their　incompatibility：　he　was　strong　and　she　was　weak。　She　was　like　Dubcek；　who　made　a　thirty…second　pause　in　the　middle　of　a　sentence；　she　was　like　her　country；　which　stuttered；　gasped　for　breath；　could　not　speak。
But　when　the　strong　were　too　weak　to　hurt　the　weak；　the　weak　had　to　be　strong　enough　to　leave。
And　having　told　herself　all　this；　she　pressed　her　face　against　Karenin's　furry　head　and　said；　Sorry；　Karenin。　It　looks　as　though　you're　going　to　have　to　move　again。　

28
Sitting　crushed　into　a　corner　of　the　train　compartment　with　her　heavy　suitcase　above　her　head　and　Karenin　squeezed　against　her　legs；　she　kept　thinking　about　the　cook　at　the　hotel　restaurant　where　she　had　worked　when　she　lived　with　her　mother。　The　cook　would　take　every　opportunity　to　give　her　a　slap　on　the　behind；　and　never　tired　of　asking　her　in　front　of　everyone　when　she　would　give　in　and　go　to　bed　with　him。　It　was　odd　that　he　was　the　one　who　came　to　mind。　He　had　always　been　the　prime　example　of　everything　she　loathed。　And　now　all　she　could　think　of　was　looking　him　up　and　telling　him；　You　used　to　say　you　wanted　to　sleep　with　me。　Well；　here　I　am。　
She　longed　to　do　something　that　would　prevent　her　from　turning　back　to　Tomas。　She　longed　to　destroy　brutally　the　past　seven　years　of　her　life。　It　was　vertigo。　A　heady；　insuperable　longing　to　fall。
We　might　also　call　vertigo　the　intoxication　of　the　weak。　Aware　of　his　weakness；　a　man　decides　to　give　in　rather　than　stand　up　to　it。　He　is　drunk　with　weakness；　wishes　to　grow　even　weaker；　wishes　to　fall　down　in　the　middle　of　the　main　square　in　front　of　everybody；　wishes　to　b