生命不能承受之轻-第25章

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She　had　taken　many　pictures　of　those　young　women　against　a　backdrop　of　tanks。　How　she　had　admired　them！　And　now　these　same　women　were　bumping　into　her；　meanly　and　spitefully。　Instead　of　flags；　they　held　umbrellas；　but　they　held　them　with　the　same　pride。　They　were　ready　to　fight　as　obstinately　against　a　foreign　army　as　against　an　umbrella　that　refused　to　move　out　of　their　way。

4
She　came　out　into　Old　Town　Square—the　stern　spires　of　Tyn　Church；　the　irregular　rectangle　of　Gothic　and　baroque　houses。　Old　Town　Hall；　which　dated　from　the　fourteenth　century　and　had　once　stretched　over　a　whole　side　of　the　square；　was　in　ruins　and　had　been　so　for　twenty…seven　years。　Warsaw；　Dresden；　Berlin；　Cologne；　Budapest—all　were　horribly　scarred　in　the　last　war。　But　their　inhabitants　had　built　them　up　again　and　painstakingly　restored　the　old　historical　sections。　The　people　of　Prague　had　an　inferiority　complex　with　respect　to　these　other　cities。　Old　Town　Hall　was　the　only　monument　of　note　destroyed　in　the　war；　and　they　decided　to　leave　it　in　ruins　so　that　no　Pole　or　German　could　accuse　them　of　having　suffered　less　than　their　share。　In　front　of　the　glorious　ruins；　a　reminder　for　now　and　eternity　of　the　evils　perpetrated　by　war；　stood　a　steel…bar　reviewing　stand　for　some　demonstration　or　other　that　the　Communist　Party　had　herded　the　people　of　Prague　to　the　day　before　or　would　be　herding　them　to　the　day　after。
Gazing　at　the　remains　of　Old　Town　Hall；　Tereza　was　suddenly　reminded　of　her　mother：　that　perverse　need　one　has　to　expose　one's　ruins；　one's　ugliness；　to　parade　one's　misery；　to　uncover　the　stump　of　one's　amputated　arm　and　force　the　whole　world　to　look　at　it。　Everything　had　begun　reminding　her　of　her　mother　lately。　Her　mother's　world；　which　she　had　fled　ten　years　before；　seemed　to　be　coming　back　to　her；　surrounding　her　on　all　sides。　That　was　why　she　told　Tomas　that　morning　about　how　her　mother　had　read　her　secret　diary　at　the　dinner　table　to　an　accompaniment　of　guffaws。　When　a　private　talk　over　a　bottle　of　wine　is　broadcast　on　the　radio；　what　can　it　mean　but　that　the　world　is　turning　into　a　concentration　camp？
Almost　from　childhood；　Tereza　had　used　the　term　to　express　how　she　felt　about　life　with　her　family。　A　concentration　camp　is　a　world　in　which　people　live　crammed　together　constantly；　night　and　day。　Brutality　and　violence　are　merely　secondary　（and　not　in　the　least　indispensable）　characteristics。　A　concentration　camp　is　the　complete　obliteration　of　privacy。　Prochazka；　who　was　not　allowed　to　chat　with　a　friend　over　a　bottle　of　wine　in　the　shelter　of　privacy；　lived　（unknown　to　him—a　fatal　error　on　his　part！）　in　a　concentration　camp。　Tereza　lived　in　the　concentration　camp　when　she　lived　with　her　mother。　Almost　from　childhood；　she　knew　that　a　concentration　camp　was　nothing　exceptional　or　startling　but　something　very　basic；　a　given　into　which　we　are　born　and　from　which　we　can　escape　only　with　the　greatest　of　efforts。
The　women　sitting　on　the　three　terraced　benches　were　packed　in　so　tightly　that　they　could　not　help　touching。　Sweating　away　next　to　Tereza　was　a　woman　of　about　thirty　with　a　very　pretty　face。　She　had　two　unbelievably　large；　pendulous　breasts　hanging　from　her　shoulders；　bouncing　at　the　slightest　movement。　When　the　woman　got　up；　Tereza　saw　that　her　behind　was　also　like　two　enormous　sacks　and　that　it　had　nothing　in　common　with　her　fine　face。
Perhaps　the　woman　stood　frequently　in　front　of　the　mirror　observing　her　body；　trying　to　peer　through　it　into　her　soul；　as　Tereza　had　done　since　childhood。　Surely　she；　too；　had　harbored　the　blissful　hope　of　using　her　body　as　a　poster　for　her　soul。　But　what　a　monstrous　soul　it　would　have　to　be　if　it　reflected　that　body；　that　rack　for　four　pouches。
Tereza　got　up　and　rinsed　herself　off　under　the　shower。　Then　she　went　out　into　the　open。　It　was　still　drizzling。　Standing　just　above　the　Vltava　on　a　slatted　deck；　and　sheltered　from　the　eyes　of　the　city　by　a　few　square　feet　of　tall　wooden　panel；　she　looked　down　to　see　the　head　of　the　woman　she　had　just　been　thinking　about。　It　was　bobbing　on　the　surface　of　the　rushing　river。
The　woman　smiled　up　at　her。　She　had　a　delicate　nose；　large　brown　eyes；　and　a　childish　glance。
As　she　climbed　the　ladder；　her　tender　features　gave　way　to　two　sets　of　quivering　pouches　spraying　tiny　drops　of　cold　water　right　and　left。
6
Tereza　went　in　to　get　dressed　and　stood　in　front　of　the　large　mirror。
No；　there　was　nothing　monstrous　about　her　body。　She　had　no　pouches　hanging　from　her　shoulders；　in　fact；　her　breasts　were　quite　small。　Her　mother　used　to　ridicule　her　for　having　such　small　breasts；　and　she　had　had　a　complex　about　them　until　Tomas　came　along。　But　reconciled　to　their　size　as　she　was；　she　was　still　mortified　by　the　very　large；　very　dark　circles　around　her　nipples。　Had　she　been　able　to　design　her　own　body；　she　would　have　chosen　inconspicuous　nipples；　the　kind　that　scarcely　protrude　from　the　arch　of　the　breast　and　all　but　blend　in　color　with　the　rest　of　the　skin。　She　thought　of　her　areolae　as　big　crimson　targets　painted　by　a　primitivist　of　pornography　for　the　poor。
Looking　at　herself；　she　wondered　what　she　would　be　like　if　her　nose　grew　a　millimeter　a　day。　How　long　would　it　take　before　her　face　began　to　look　like　someone　else's？
And　if　various　parts　of　her　body　began　to　grow　and　shrink　and　Tereza　no　longer　looked　like　herself；　would　she　still　be　herself；　would　she　still　be　Tereza？
Of　course。　Even　if　Tereza　were　completely　unlike　Tereza；　her　soul　inside　her　would　be　the　same　and　look　on　in　amazement　at　what　was　happening　to　her　body。
Then　what　was　the　relationship　between　Tereza　and　her　body？　Had　her　body　the　right　to　call　itself　Tereza？　And　if　not；　then　what　did　the　name　refer　to？　Merely　something　incorporeal；　intangible？
（These　are　questions　that　had　been　going　through　Tereza's　head　since　she　was　a　child。　Indeed；　the　only　truly　serious　questions　are　ones　that　even　a　child　can　formulate。　Only　the　most　naive　of　questions　are　truly　serious。　They　are　the　questions　with　no　answers。　A　question　with　no　answer　is　a　barrier　that　cannot　be　breached。　In　other　words；　it　is　questions　with　no　answers　that　set　the　limits　of　human　possibilities；　describe　the　boundaries　of　human　existence。）
Tereza　stood　bewitched　before　the　mirror；　staring　at　her　body　as　if　it　were　alien　to　her；　alien　and　yet　assigned　to　her　and　no　one　else。　She　felt　disgusted　by　it。　It　lacked　the　power　to　become　the　only　body　in　Tomas's　life。　It　had　disappointed　and　deceived　her。　All　that　night　she　had　had　to　inhale　the　aroma　of　another　woman's　groin　from　his　hair！
Suddenly　she　longed　to　dismiss　her　body　as　one　dismisses　a　servant：　to　stay　on　with　Tomas　only　as　a　soul　and　send　her　body　into　the　world　to　behave　as　other　female　bodies　behave　with　male　bodies。　If　her　body　had　failed　to　become　the　only　body　for　Tomas；　and　thereby　lost　her　the　biggest　battle　of　her　life；　it　could　just　as　well　go　off　on　its　own！
7
She　went　home　and　forced　herself　to　eat　a　stand…up　lunch　in　the　kitchen。　At　half　past　three；　she　put　Karenin　on　his　leash　and　walked　（walking　again）　to　the　outskirts　of　town　where　her　hotel　was。　When　they　fired　Tereza　from　her　job　at　the　magazine；　she　found　work　behind　the　bar　of　a　hotel。　It　happened　several　months　after　she　came　back　from　Zurich：　they　could　not　forgive　her；　in　the　end；　for　the　week　she　spent　photographing　Russian　tanks。　She　got　the　job　through　friends；　other　people　who　had　taken　refuge　there　when　thrown　out　of　work　by　the　Russians：　a　former　professor　of　theology　in　the　accounting　office；　an　ambassador　（who　had　protested　against　the　invasion　on　foreign　television）　at　the　reception　desk。
She　was　worried　about　her　legs　again。　While　working　as　a　waitress　in　the　small…town　restaurant；　she　had　been　horrified　at　the　sight　of　the　older　waitresses'　varicose　veins；　a　professional　hazard　that　came　of　a　life　of　walking；　running；　and　standing　with　heavy　loads。　But　the　new　job　was　less　demanding：　although　she　began　each　shift　by　dragging　out　heavy　cases　of　beer　and　mineral　water；　all　she　had　to　do　then　was　stand　behind　the　bar；　serve　the　customers　their　drinks；　and　wash　out　the　glasses　in　the　small　sink　on　her　side　of　the　bar。　And　through　it　all　she　had　Karenin　lying　docilely　at　her　feet。
It　was　long　pas