生命不能承受之轻-第38章

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Clumsiness　combined　with　ardor；　ardor　with　clumsiness—　they　excited　Tomas　utterly。　He　made　love　to　her　for　a　very　long　time；　constantly　scanning　her　red…blotched　face　for　that　frightened　expression　of　a　woman　whom　someone　has　tripped　and　who　is　falling；　the　inimitable　expression　that　moments　earlier　had　conveyed　excitement　to　his　brain。
Then　he　went　to　wash　in　the　bathroom。　She　followed　him　in　and　gave　him　long…drawn…out　explanations　of　where　the　soap　was　and　where　the　sponge　was　and　how　to　turn　on　the　hot　water。　He　was　surprised　that　she　went　into　such　detail　over　such　simple　matters。　At　last　he　had　to　tell　her　that　he　understood　everything　perfectly；　and　motioned　to　her　to　leave　him　alone　in　the　bathroom。
Won't　you　let　me　stay　and　watch？　she　begged。
At　last　he　managed　to　get　her　out。　As　he　washed　and　urinated　into　the　washbasin　（standard　procedure　among　Czech　doctors）；　he　had　the　feeling　she　was　running　back　and　forth　outside　the　bathroom；　looking　for　a　way　to　break　in。　When　he　turned　off　the　water　and　the　flat　was　suddenly　silent；　he　felt　he　was　being　watched。　He　was　nearly　certain　that　there　was　a　peephole　somewhere　in　the　bathroom　door　and　that　her　beautiful　eye　was　squinting　through　it。
He　went　off　in　the　best　of　moods；　trying　to　fix　her　essence　in　his　memory；　to　reduce　that　memory　to　a　chemical　formula　capable　of　defining　her　uniqueness　（her　millionth　part　dissimilarity）。　The　result　was　a　formula　consisting　of　three　givens：
1）　clumsiness　with　ardor；
2）　the　frightened　face　of　one　who　has　lost　her　equilibrium　and　is　falling；　and
3）　legs　raised　in　the　air　like　the　arms　of　a　soldier　surrendering　to　a　pointed　gun。
Going　over　them；　he　felt　the　joy　of　having　acquired　yet　another　piece　of　the　world；　of　having　taken　his　imaginary　scalpel　and　snipped　yet　another　strip　off　the　infinite　canvas　of　the　universe。
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At　about　the　same　time；　he　had　the　following　experience：　He　had　been　meeting　a　young　woman　in　a　room　that　an　old　friend　put　at　his　disposal　every　day　until　midnight。　After　a　month　or　two；　she　reminded　him　of　one　of　their　early　encounters：　they　had　made　love　on　a　rug　under　the　window　while　it　was　thundering　and　lightning　outside；　they　had　made　love　for　the　length　of　the　storm；　it　had　been　unforgettably　beautiful！
Tomas　was　appalled。　Yes；　he　remembered　making　love　to　her　on　the　rug　（his　friend　slept　on　a　narrow　couch　that　Tomas　found　uncomfortable）；　but　he　had　completely　forgotten　the　storm！　It　was　odd。　He　could　recall　each　of　their　times　together；　he　had　even　kept　close　track　of　the　ways　they　made　love　（she　refused　to　be　entered　from　behind）；　he　remembered　several　of　the　things　she　had　said　during　intercourse　（she　would　ask　him　to　squeeze　her　hips　and　to　stop　looking　at　her　all　the　time）；　he　even　remembered　the　cut　of　her　lingerie；　but　the　storm　had　left　no　trace。
Of　each　erotic　experience　his　memory　recorded　only　the　steep　and　narrow　path　of　sexual　conquest：　the　first　piece　of　verbal　aggression；　the　first　touch；　the　first　obscenity　he　said　to　her　and　she　to　him；　the　minor　perversions　he　could　make　her　acquiesce　in　and　the　ones　she　held　out　against。　All　else　he　excluded　（almost　pedantically）　from　his　memory。　He　even　forgot　where　he　had　first　seen　one　or　another　woman；　if　that　event　occurred　before　his　sexual　offensive　began。
The　young　woman　smiled　dreamily　as　she　went　on　about　the　storm；　and　he　looked　at　her　in　amazement　and　something　akin　to　shame：　she　had　experienced　something　beautiful；　and　he　had　failed　to　experience　it　with　her。　The　two　ways　in　which　their　memories　reacted　to　the　evening　storm　sharply　delimit　love　and　nonlove。
By　the　word　nonlove　I　do　not　wish　to　imply　that　he　took　a　cynical　attitude　to　the　young　woman；　that；　as　present…day　parlance　has　it；　he　looked　upon　her　as　a　sex　object；　on　the　contrary；　he　was　quite　fond　of　her；　valued　her　character　and　intelligence；　and　was　willing　to　come　to　her　aid　if　ever　she　needed　him。　He　was　not　the　one　who　behaved　shamefully　towards　her；　it　was　his　memory；　for　it　was　his　memory　that；　unbeknown　to　him；　had　excluded　her　from　the　sphere　of　love。
The　brain　appears　to　possess　a　special　area　which　we　might　call　poetic　memory　and　which　records　everything　that　charms　or　touches　us；　that　makes　our　lives　beautiful。　From　the　time　he　met　Tereza；　no　woman　had　the　right　to　leave　the　slightest　impression　on　that　part　of　his　brain。
Tereza　occupied　his　poetic　memory　like　a　despot　and　exterminated　all　trace　of　other　women。　That　was　unfair；　because　the　young　woman　he　made　love　to　on　the　rug　during　the　storm　was　not　a　bit　less　worthy　of　poetry　than　Tereza。　She　shouted；　Close　your　eyes！　Squeeze　my　hips！　Hold　me　tight！　；　she　could　not　stand　it　that　when　Tomas　made　love　he　kept　his　eyes　open；　focused　and　observant；　his　body　ever　so　slightly　arched　above　her；　never　pressing　against　her　skin。　She　did　not　want　him　to　study　her。　She　wanted　to　draw　him　into　the　magic　stream　that　may　be　entered　only　with　closed　eyes。　The　reason　she　refused　to　get　down　on　all　fours　was　that　in　that　position　their　bodies　did　not　touch　at　all　and　he　could　observe　her　from　a　distance　of　several　feet。　She　hated　that　distance。　She　wanted　to　merge　with　him。　That　is　why；　looking　him　straight　in　the　eye；　she　insisted　she　had　not　had　an　orgasm　even　though　the　rug　was　fairly　dripping　with　it。　It's　not　sensual　pleasure　I'm　after；　she　would　say；　it's　happiness。　And　pleasure　without　happiness　is　not　pleasure。　In　other　words；　she　was　pounding　on　the　gate　of　his　poetic　memory。　But　the　gate　was　shut。　There　was　no　room　for　her　in　his　poetic　memory。　There　was　room　for　her　only　on　the　rug。
His　adventure　with　Tereza　began　at　the　exact　point　where　his　adventures　with　other　women　left　off。　It　took　place　on　the　other　side　of　the　imperative　that　pushed　him　into　conquest　after　conquest。　He　had　no　desire　to　uncover　anything　in　Tereza。　She　had　come　to　him　uncovered。　He　had　made　love　to　her　before　he　could　grab　for　the　imaginary　scalpel　he　used　to　open　the　prostrate　body　of　the　world。　Before　he　could　start　wondering　what　she　would　be　like　when　they　made　love；　he　loved　her。
Their　love　story　did　not　begin　until　afterward：　she　fell　ill　and　he　was　unable　to　send　her　home　as　he　had　the　others。　Kneeling　by　her　as　she　lay　sleeping　in　his　bed；　he　realized　that　someone　had　sent　her　downstream　in　a　bulrush　basket。　I　have　said　before　that　metaphors　are　dangerous。　Love　begins　with　a　metaphor。　Which　is　to　say；　love　begins　at　the　point　when　a　woman　enters　her　first　word　into　our　poetic　memory。
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Recently　she　had　made　another　entry　into　his　mind。　Returning　home　with　the　milk　one　morning　as　usual；　she　stood　in　the　doorway　with　a　crow　wrapped　in　her　red　scarf　and　pressed　against　her　breast。　It　was　the　way　gypsies　held　their　babies。　He　would　never　forget　it：　the　crow's　enormous　plaintive　beak　up　next　to　her　face。
She　had　found　it　half…buried；　the　way　Cossacks　used　to　dig　their　prisoners　into　the　ground。　It　was　children；　she　said；　and　her　words　did　more　than　state　a　fact；　they　revealed　an　unexpected　repugnance　for　people　in　general。　It　reminded　him　of　something　she　had　said　to　him　not　long　before：　I'm　beginning　to　be　grateful　to　you　for　not　wanting　to　have　children。　
And　then　she　had　complained　to　him　about　a　man　who　had　been　bothering　her　at　work。　He　had　grabbed　at　a　cheap　necklace　of　hers　and　suggested　that　the　only　way　she　could　have　afforded　it　was　by　doing　some　prostitution　on　the　side。　She　was　very　upset　about　it。　More　than　necessary；　thought　Tomas。　He　suddenly　felt　dismayed　at　how　little　he　had　seen　of　her　the　last　two　years；　he　had　so　few　opportunities　to　press　her　hands　in　his　to　stop　them　from　trembling。
The　next　morning　he　had　gone　to　work　with　Tereza　on　his　mind。　The　woman　who　gave　the　window　washers　their　assignments　told　him　that　a　private　customer　had　insisted　on　him　personally。　Tomas　was　not　looking　forward　to　it；　he　was　afraid　it　was　still　another　woman。　Fully　occupied　with　Tereza；　he　was　in　no　mood　for　adventure。
When　the　door　opened；　he　gave　a　sigh　of　relief。　He　saw　a　tall；　slightly　stooped　man　before　him。　The　man　had　a　big　chin　and　seemed　vaguely　familiar。
Come　in；　said　the　man　with　a　smile；　taking　him　inside。
There　was　also　a　young　man　standing　there。　His　face　was　bright　red。　He　was　looking　at　Tomas　and　trying　to　smile。
I