生命不能承受之轻-第57章

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the　rabbit　home　with　the　feeling　that　she　was　nearly　at　her　goal；　the　place　where　she　wanted　to　be　and　would　never　forsake。
Wandering　the　streets　of　Prague；　she　had　no　trouble　finding　her　house；　the　house　where　she　had　lived　with　Mama　and　Papa　as　a　small　girl。　But　Mama　and　Papa　were　gone。　She　was　greeted　by　two　old　people　she　had　never　seen　before；　but　whom　she　knew　to　be　her　great…grandfather　and　great…grandmother。　They　both　had　faces　as　wrinkled　as　the　bark　of　a　tree；　and　Tereza　was　happy　she　would　be　living　with　them。　But　for　now；　she　wanted　to　be　alone　with　her　animal。　She　immediately　found　the　room　she　had　been　given　at　the　age　of　five；　when　her　parents　decided　she　deserved　her　own　living　space。
It　had　a　bed；　a　table；　and　a　chair。　The　table　had　a　lamp　on　it；　a　lamp　that　had　never　stopped　burning　in　anticipation　of　her　return；　and　on　the　lamp　perched　a　butterfly　with　two　large　eyes　painted　on　its　widespread　wings。　Tereza　knew　she　was　at　her　goal。　She　lay　down　on　the　bed　and　pressed　the　rabbit　to　her　face。

7
He　was　sitting　at　the　desk　where　he　usually　read　his　books；　an　open　envelope　with　a　letter　in　it　lying　in　front　of　him。　From　time　to　time　I　get　letters　I　haven't　told　you　about；　he　said　to　Tereza。　They're　from　my　son。　I've　tried　to　keep　his　life　and　mine　completely　separate；　and　look　how　fate　is　getting　even　with　me。　A　few　years　ago　he　was　expelled　from　the　university。　Now　he　drives　a　tractor　in　a　village。　Our　lives　may　be　separate；　but　they　run　in　the　same　direction；　like　parallel　lines。　
Why　didn't　you　ever　tell　me　about　the　letters？　Tereza　asked；　with　a　feeling　of　great　relief。
I　don't　know。　It　was　too　unpleasant；　I　suppose。　Does　he　write　often？　Now　and　then。　What　about？　Himself。　And　is　it　interesting？　
Yes；　it　is。　You　remember　that　his　mother　was　an　ardent　Communist。　Well；　he　broke　with　her　long　ago。　Then　he　took　up　with　people　who　had　trouble　like　ours；　and　got　involved　in　political　activities　with　them。　Some　of　them　are　in　prison　now。　But　he's　broken　with　them；　too。　In　his　letters　he　calls　them　'eternal　revolutionaries。'　
Does　that　mean　he's　made　his　peace　with　the　regime？　No；　not　in　the　least。　He　believes　in　God　and　thinks　that　that's　the　key。　He　says　we　should　all　live　our　daily　lives　according　to　the　dictates　of　religion　and　pay　no　heed　to　the　regime；　completely　ignore　it。　If　we　believe　in　God；　he　claims；　we　can　take　any　situation　and；　by　means　of　our　own　behavior；　transform　it　into　what　he　calls　'the　kingdom　of　God　on　earth。'　He　tells　me　that　the　Church　is　the　only　voluntary　association　in　ourcountry　which　eludes　the　control　of　the　state。　I　wonder　whether　he's　joined　the　Church　because　it　helps　him　to　oppose　the　regime　or　because　he　really　believes　in　God。　Why　don't　you　ask　him？　
I　used　to　admire　believers；　Tomas　continued。　I　thought　they　had　an　odd　transcendental　way　of　perceiving　things　which　was　closed　to　me。　Like　clairvoyants；　you　might　say。　But　my　son's　experience　proves　that　faith　is　actually　quite　a　simple　matter。　He　was　down　and　out；　the　Catholics　took　him　in；　and　before　he　knew　it；　he　had　faith。　So　it　was　gratitude　that　decided　the　issue；　most　likely。　Human　decisions　are　terribly　simple。　Haven't　you　ever　answered　his　letters？　He　never　gives　a　return　address；　he　said；　though　the　postmark　indicates　the　name　of　the　district。　I　could　just　send　a　letter　to　the　local　collective　farm。　
Tereza　was　ashamed　of　having　been　suspicious　of　Tomas；　and　hoped　to　expiate　her　guilt　with　a　rush　of　benevolence　towards　his　son。　Then　why　not　drop　him　a　line；　invite　him　to　come　and　see　us？　
He　looks　like　me；　said　Tomas。　When　he　talks；　his　upper　lip　curls　just　like　mine。　The　thought　of　watching　my　own　lips　go　on　about　the　kingdom　of　God—it　seems　too　strange。　Tereza　burst　out　laughing。　Tomas　laughed　with　her。
Don't　be　such　a　child；　Tomas！　said　Tereza。　It's　ancient　history；　after　all；　you　and　your　first　wife。　What's　it　to　him？　What's　he　got　to　do　with　it？　Why　hurt　the　boy　just　because　you　had　bad　taste　when　you　were　young？　
Frankly；　I　have　stage　fright　at　the　thought　of　meeting　him。　That's　the　main　reason　I　haven't　done　anything　about　it。　I　don't　know　what's　made　me　so　headstrong　and　kept　me　from　seeing　him。　Sometimes　you　make　up　your　mind　about　something　without　knowing　why；　and　your　decision　persists　by　the　power　of　inertia。　Every　year　it　gets　harder　to　change。　
Invite　him；　she　said。
That　afternoon　she　was　on　her　way　back　from　the　cow　sheds　when　she　heard　voices　from　the　road。　Coming　closer；　she　saw　Tomas's　pickup。　Tomas　was　bent　over；　changing　a　tire；　while　some　of　the　men　stood　about　looking　on　and　waiting　for　him　to　finish。
She　could　not　tear　her　eyes　away　from　him：　he　looked　like　an　old　man。　His　hair　had　gone　gray；　and　his　lack　of　coordination　was　not　that　of　a　surgeon　turned　driver　but　of　a　man　no　longer　young。
She　recalled　a　recent　talk　with　the　chairman　of　the　collective　farm。　He　had　told　her　that　Tomas's　pickup　was　in　miserable　condition。　He　said　it　as　a　joke；　not　a　complaint；　but　she　could　tell　he　was　concerned。　Tomas　knows　the　insides　of　the　body　better　than　the　insides　of　an　engine；　he　said　with　a　laugh。　He　then　confessed　that　he　had　made　several　visits　to　the　authorities　to　request　permission　for　Tomas　to　resume　his　medical　practice；　if　only　locally。　He　had　learned　that　the　police　would　never　grant　it。
She　had　stepped　behind　a　tree　trunk　so　that　none　of　the　men　by　the　pickup　could　see　her。　Standing　there　observing　him；　she　suffered　a　bout　of　self…recrimination：　It　was　her　fault　that　he　had　come　back　to　Prague　from　Zurich；　her　fault　that　he　had　left　Prague；　and　even　here　she　could　not　leave　him　in　peace；　torturing　him　with　her　secret　suspicions　while　Karenin　lay　dying。
She　had　always　secretly　reproached　him　for　not　loving　her　enough。　Her　own　love　she　considered　above　reproach；　while　his　seemed　mere　condescension。
Now　she　saw　that　she　had　been　unfair：　If　she　had　really　loved　Tomas　with　a　great　love；　she　would　have　stuck　it　out　with　him　abroad！　Tomas　had　been　happy　there；　a　new　life　was　opening　for　him！　And　she　had　left　him！　True；　at　the　time　she　had　convinced　herself　she　was　being　magnanimous；　giving　him　his　freedom。　But　hadn't　her　magnanimity　been　merely　an　excuse？　She　knew　all　along　that　he　would　come　home　to　her！　She　had　summoned　him　farther　and　farther　down　after　her　like　the　nymphs　who　lured　unsuspecting　villagers　to　the　marshes　and　left　them　there　to　drown。　She　had　taken　advantage　of　a　night　of　stomach　cramps　to　inveigle　him　into　moving　to　the　country！　How　cunning　she　could　be！　She　had　summoned　him　to　follow　her　as　if　wishing　to　test　him　again　and　again；　to　test　his　love　for　her；　she　had　summoned　him　persistently；　and　here　he　was；　tired　and　gray；　with　stiffened　fingers　that　would　never　again　be　capable　of　holding　a　scalpel。
Now　they　were　in　a　place　that　led　nowhere。　Where　could　they　go　from　here？　They　would　never　be　allowed　abroad。　They　would　never　find　a　way　back　to　Prague：　no　one　would　give　them　work。　They　didn't　even　have　a　reason　to　move　to　another　village。
Good　God；　had　they　had　to　cover　all　that　distance　just　to　make　her　believe　he　loved　her？
At　last　Tomas　succeeded　in　getting　the　tire　back　on。　He　climbed　in　behind　the　wheel；　the　men　jumped　in　the　back；　and　the　engine　roared。
She　went　home　and　drew　a　bath。　Lying　in　the　hot　water；　she　kept　telling　herself　that　she　had　set　a　lifetime　of　her　weaknesses　against　Tomas。　We　all　have　a　tendency　to　consider　strength　the　culprit　and　weakness　the　innocent　victim。　But　now　Tereza　realized　that　in　her　case　the　opposite　was　true！　Even　her　dreams；　as　if　aware　of　the　single　weakness　in　a　man　otherwise　strong；　made　a　display　of　her　suffering　to　him；　thereby　forcing　him　to　retreat。　Her　weakness　was　aggressive　and　kept　forcing　him　to　capitulate　until　eventually　he　lost　his　strength　and　was　transformed　into　the　rabbit　in　her　arms。　She　could　not　get　that　dream　out　of　her　mind。
She　stood　up　from　her　bath　and　went　to　put　on　some　nice　clothes。　She　wanted　to　look　her　best　to　please　him；　make　him　happy。
Just　as　she　buttoned　the　last　button；　in　burst　Tomas　with　the　chairman　of　the　collective　farm　and　an　unusually　pale　young　farm　worker。
Quick！　shouted　Tomas。　Something　strong　to　drink！　Tereza　ran　out　and　came　back　with　a　bottle　of　slivovitz。　She　poured　some　int