the notch on the ax and on being found out-第68章

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lightning…flash　I　beheld　the　archwaythe　stranger　with　the
startled　eyesthis　stranger　no　longer　unknown　to　me；　but　too
fatally　recognized　as　Bourgonefand　at　his　feet　the　murdered　girl！

Moved　by　what　subtle　springs　of　suggestion　I　know　not；　but　there
before　me　stood　that　dreadful　vision；　seen　in　a　lurid　light；　but
seen　as　clearly　as　if　the　actual　presence　of　the　objects　were
obtruding　itself　upon　my　eyes。　　In　the　inexpressible　horror　of　this
vision　my　heart　seemed　clutched　with　an　icy　hand。

Fortunately　Bourgonef's　attention　was　called　away　from　me。　　He
spoke　angrily　some　short　sentence；　which　of　course　was　in　Russian；
and　therefore　unintelligible　to　me。　　He　then　stooped；　and　picking
up　the　rouge…pot；　held　it　towards　me　with　his　melancholy　smile。　　He
was　very　red　in　the　face；　but　that　may　have　been　either　anger　or
the　effect　of　sudden　stooping。　　〃I　see　you　are　surprised　at　these
masquerading　follies；〃　he　said　in　a　tone　which；　though　low；　was
perfectly　calm。　　〃You　must　not　suppose　that　I　beautify　my　sallow
cheeks　on　ordinary　occasions。〃

He　then　quietly　handed　the　pot　to　Ivan；　who　replaced　it　with　the
gloves　and　the　beard　in　the　box；　and　after　making　an　inquiry　which
sounded　like　a　growl；　to　which　Bourgonef　answered　negatively；　he
continued　his　packing。

Bourgonef　resumed　his　cigar　and　his　argument　as　if　nothing　had
happened。

The　vision　had　disappeared；　but　a　confused　mass　of　moving　figures
took　its　place。　　My　heart　throbbed　so　violently　that　it　seemed　to
me　as　if　its　tumult　must　be　heard　by　others。　　Yet　my　face　must　have
been　tolerably　calm；　since　Bourgonef　made　no　comment　on　it。

I　answered　his　remarks　in　vague　fragments；　for；　in　truth；　my
thoughts　were　flying　from　conjecture　to　conjecture。　　I　remembered
that　the　stranger　had　a　florid　complexion；　was　this　rouge？　　It　is
true　that　I　fancied　the　stranger　carried　a　walking…stick　in　his
right　hand；　if　so；　this　was　enough　to　crush　all　suspicions　of　his
identity　with　Bourgonef；　but　then　I　was　rather　hazy　on　this　point；
and　probably　did　not　observe　a　walking…stick。

After　a　while　my　inattention　struck　him；　and　looking　at　me　with
some　concern；　he　inquired　if　there　was　anything　the　matter。　　I
pleaded　a　colic；　which　I　attributed　to　the　imprudence　of　having
indulged　in　sauerkraut　at　dinner。　　He　advised　me　to　take　a　little
brandy；　but；　affecting　a　fresh　access　of　pain；　I　bade　him　good…
night。　　He　hoped　I　should　be　all　right　on　the　morrowif　not；　he
added；　we　can　postpone　our　journey　till　the　day　after。

Once　in　my　own　room　I　bolted　the　door；　and　sat　down　on　the　edge　of
the　bed　in　a　tumult　of　excitement。


V

FLUCTUATIONS


Alone　with　my　thoughts；　and　capable　of　pursuing　conjectures　and
conclusions　without　external　interruption；　I　quickly　exhausted　all
the　hypothetical　possibilities　of　the　case；　and；　from　having
started　with　the　idea　that　Bourgonef　was　the　assassin；　I　came　at
last　to　the　more　sensible　conclusion　that　I　was　a　constructive
blockhead。　　My　suspicions　were　simply　outrageous　in　their　defect　of
evidence；　and　could　never　for　one　moment　have　seemed　otherwise　to
any　imagination　less　riotously　active　than　mine。

I　bathed　my　heated　head；　undressed　myself；　and　got　into　bed；
considering　what　I　should　say　to　the　police　when　I　went　next
morning　to　communicate　my　suspicions。　　And　it　is　worthy　of　remark；
as　well　as　somewhat　ludicrously　self…betraying；　that　no　sooner　did
I　mentally　see　myself　in　the　presence　of　the　police；　and　was　thus
forced　to　confront　my　suspicions　with　some　appearance　of　evidence；
than　the　whole　fabric　of　my　vision　rattled　to　the　ground。　　What　had
I　to　say　to　the　police？　　Simply　that；　on　the　evening　of　the　night
when　Lieschen　was　murdered；　I　had　passed　in　a　public　thoroughfare　a
man　whom　I　could　not　identify；　but　who　as　I　could　not　help
fancying；　seemed　to　recognize　me。　　This　man；　I　had　persuaded
myself；　was　the　murderer；　for　which　persuasion　I　was　unable　to
adduce　a　tittle　of　evidence。　　It　was　uncolored　by　the　remotest
possibility。　　It　was　truly　and　simply　the　suggestion　of　my　vagrant
fancy；　which　had　mysteriously　settled　itself　into　a　conviction；　and
having　thus　capriciously　identified　the　stranger　with　Lieschen's
murderer；　I　now；　upon　evidence　quite　as　preposterous；　identified
Bourgonef　with　the　stranger。

The　folly　became　apparent　even　to　myself。　　If　Bourgonef　had　in　his
possession　a　rouge…pot　and　false　beard；　I　could　not　but　acknowledge
that　he　made　no　attempt　to　conceal　them；　nor　had　he　manifested　any
confusion　on　their　appearance。　　He　had　quietly　characterized　them
as　masquerading　follies。　　Moreover；　I　now　began　to　remember
distinctly　that　the　stranger　did　carry　a　walking…stick　in　his　right
hand；　and　as　Bourgonef　had　lost　his　right　arm；　that　settled　the
point。

Into　such　complications；　would　the　tricks　of　imagination　lead　me！
I　blushed　mentally；　and　resolved　to　let　it　serve　as　a　lesson　in
future。　　It　is　needless；　however；　to　say　that　the　lesson　was　lost；
as　such　lessons　always　are　lost；　a　strong　tendency　in　any　direction
soon　disregards　all　the　teachings　of　experience。　　I　am　still　not
the　less　the　victim　of　my　constructive　imagination；　because　I　have
frequently　had　to　be　ashamed　of　its　vagaries。

The　next　morning　I　awoke　with　a　lighter　breast；　rejoicing　in　the
caution　which　had　delayed　me　from　any　rash　manifestation　of
suspicions　now　seen　to　be　absurd。　　I　smiled　as　the　thought　arose：
what　if　this　suspected　stranger　should　also　be　pestered　by　an
active　imagination；　and　should　entertain　similar　suspicions　of　me？
He　must　have　seen　in　my　eyes　the　look　of　recognition　which　I　saw　in
his。　　On　hearing　of　the　murder；　our　meeting　may　also　have　recurred
to　him；　and　his　suspicions　would　have　this　color；　wanting　to　mine；
that　I　happen　to　inherit　with　my　Italian　blood　a　somewhat　truculent
appearance；　which　has　gained　for　me　among　my　friends　the　playful
sobriquet　of　〃the　brigand。〃

Anxious　to　atone　at　once　for　my　folly；　and　to　remove　from　my　mind
any　misgivingif　it　existedat　my　quitting　him　so　soon　after　the
disclosures　of　the　masquerading　details；　I　went　to　Bourgonef　as
soon　as　I　was　dressed　and　proposed　a　ramble　till　the　diligence
started　for　Munich。　　He　was　sympathetic　in　his　inquiries　about　my
colic；　which　I　assured　him　had　quite　passed　away；　and　out　we　went。
The　sharp　morning　air　of　March　made　us　walk　briskly；　and　gave　a
pleasant　animation　to　our　thoughts。　　As　he　discussed　the　acts　of
the　provisional　government；　so　wise；　temperate；　and　energetic；　the
fervor　and　generosity　of　his　sentiments　stood　out　in　such　striking
contrast　with　the　deed　I　had　last　night　recklessly　imputed　to　him
that　I　felt　deeply　ashamed；　and　was　nearly　carried　away　by　mingled
admiration　and　self…reproach　to　confess　the　absurd　vagrancy　of　my
thoughts　and　humbly　ask　his　pardon。　　But　you　can　understand　the
reluctance　at　a　confession　so　insulting　to　him；　so　degrading　to　me。
It　is　at　all　times　difficult　to　tell　a　man；　face　to　face；　eye　to
eye；　the　evil　you　have　thought　of　him；　unless　the　recklessness　of
anger　seizes　on　it　as　a　weapon　with　which　to　strike；　and　I　had　now
so　completely　unsaid　to　myself　all　that　I　once　had　thought　of　evil；
that　to　put　it　in　words　seemed　a　gratuitous　injury　to　me　and　insult
to　him。

A　day　or　two　after　our　arrival　in　Munich　a　reaction　began　steadily
to　set　in。　　Ashamed　as　I　was　of　my　suspicions；　I　could　not
altogether　banish　from　my　mind　the　incident　which　had　awakened
them。　　The　image　of　that　false　beard　would　mingle　with　my　thoughts。
I　was　vaguely　uncomfortable　at　the　idea　of　Bourgonef's　carrying
about　with　him　obvious　materials　of　disguise。　　In　itself　this　would
have　had　little　significance；　but　coupled　with　the　fact　that　his
devoted　servant　wasin　spite　of　all　Bourgonef's　eulogies
repulsively　ferocious　in　aspect；　capable；　as　I　could　not　help
believing；　of　any　brutality；the　suggestion　was　unpleasant。　　You
will　understand　that　having　emphatically　acquitted　Bourgonef　in　my
mind；　I　did　not　again　distinctly　charge　him　with　any　complicity　in
the　mysterious　murder；　on　the　contrary；　I　should　indignantly　have
repelled　such　a　thought；　but　the　uneasy　sense　of　some　mystery　about
him；　coupled　with　the　accessories　of　disguise；　and　the　aspect　of
the　se