the notch on the ax and on being found out-第69章

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repelled　such　a　thought；　but　the　uneasy　sense　of　some　mystery　about
him；　coupled　with　the　accessories　of　disguise；　and　the　aspect　of
the　servant；　gave　rise　to　dim；　shadowy　forebodings　which　ever　and
anon　passed　across　my　mind。

Did　it　ever　occur　to　you；　reader；　to　reflect　on　the　depths　of
deceit　which　lie　still　and　dark　even　in　the　honestest　minds？
Society　reposes　on　a　thin　crust　of　convention；　underneath　which　lie
fathomless　possibilities　of　crime；　and　consequently　suspicions　of
crime。　　Friendship；　however　close　and　dear；　is　not　free　from　its
reserves；　unspoken　beliefs；　more　or　less　suppressed　opinions。　　The
man　whom　you　would　indignantly　defend　against　any　accusation
brought　by　another；　so　confident　are　you　in　his　unshakable
integrity；　you　may　yourself　momentarily　suspect　of　crimes　far
exceeding　those　which　you　repudiate。　　Indeed；　I　have　known
sagacious　men　hold　that　perfect　frankness　in　expressing　the
thoughts　is　a　sure　sign　of　imperfect　friendship；　something　is
always　suppressed；　and　it　is　not　he　who　loves　you　that　〃tells　you
candidly　what　he　thinks〃　of　your　person；　your　pretensions；　your
children；　or　your　poems。　　Perfect　candor　is　dictated　by　envy；　or
some　other　unfriendly　feeling；　making　friendship　a　stalking…horse；
under　cover　of　which　it　shoots　the　arrow　which　will　rankle。
Friendship　is　candid　only　when　the　candor　is　urgentmeant　to　avert
impending　danger　or　to　rectify　an　error。　　The　candor　which　is　an
impertinence　never　springs　from　friendship。　　Love　is　sympathetic。

I　do　not；　of　course；　mean　to　intimate　that　my　feeling　for　Bourgonef
was　of　that　deep　kind　which　justifies　the　name　of　friendship。　　I
only　want　to　say　that　in　our　social　relations　we　are　constantly
hiding　from　each　other；　under　the　smiles　and　courtesies　of　friendly
interest；　thoughts　which；　if　expressed；　would　destroy　all　possible
communionand　that；　nevertheless；　we　are　not　insincere　in　our
smiles　and　courtesies；　and　therefore　there　is　nothing　paradoxical
in　my　having　felt　great　admiration　for　Bourgonef；　and　great
pleasure　in　his　society；　while　all　the　time　there　was　deep　down　in
the　recesses　of　my　thoughts　an　uneasy　sense　of　a　dark　mystery　which
possibly　connected　him　with　a　dreadful　crime。

This　feeling　was　roused　into　greater　activity　by　an　incident　which
now　occurred。　　One　morning　I　went　to　Bourgonef's　room；　which　was　at
some　distance　from　mine　on　the　same　floor；　intending　to　propose　a
visit　to　the　sculpture　at　the　Glyptothek。　　To　my　surprise　I　found
Ivan　the　serf　standing　before　the　closed　door。　　He　looked　at　me
like　a　mastiff　about　to　spring；　and　intimated　by　significant
gestures　that　I　was　not　allowed　to　enter　the　room。　　Concluding　that
his　master　was　occupied　in　some　way；　and　desired　not　to　be
disturbed；　I　merely　signified　by　a　nod　that　my　visit　was　of　no
consequence；　and　went　out。　　On　returning　about　an　hour　afterwards　I
saw　Ivan　putting　three　pink　letters　into　the　letter…box　of　the
hotel。　　I　attached　no　significance　to　this　very　ordinary　fact　at
the　time；　but　went　up　to　my　room　and　began　writing　my　letters；　one
of　which　was　to　my　lawyer；　sending　him　an　important　receipt。　　The
dinner…bell　sounded　before　I　had　half　finished　this　letter；　but　I
wrote　on；　determined　to　have　done　with　it　at　once；　in　case　the
afternoon　should　offer　any　expedition　with　Bourgonef。

At　dinner　he　quietly　intimated　that　Ivan　had　informed　him　of　my
visit；　and　apologized　for　not　having　been　able　to　see　me。　　I；　of
course；　assured　him　that　no　apology　was　necessary；　and　that　we　had
plenty　of　time　to　visit　sculpture　together　without　intruding　on　his
private　hours。　　He　informed　me　that　he　was　that　afternoon　going　to
pay　a　visit　to　Schwanthaler；　the　sculptor；　and　if　I　desired　it；　he
would　ask　permission　on　another　occasion　to　take　me　with　him。　　I
jumped　at　the　proposal；　as　may　be　supposed。

Dinner　over；　I　strolled　into　the　Englische　Garten；　and　had　my
coffee　and　cigar　there。　　On　my　return　I　was　vexed　to　find　that　in
the　hurry　of　finishing　my　letters　I　had　sealed　the　one　to　my
lawyer；　and　had　not　enclosed　the　receipt　which　had　been　the　object
of　writing。　　Fortunately　it　was　not　too　late。　　Descending　to　the
bureau　of　the　hotel；　I　explained　my　mistake　to　the　head…waiter；　who
unlocked　the　letter…box　to　search　for　my　letter。　　It　was　found　at
once；　for　there　were　only　seven　or　eight　in　the　box。　　Among　these
my　eye　naturally　caught　the　three　pink　letters　which　I　had　that
morning　seen　Ivan　drop　into　the　box；　but　although　they　were　SEEN　by
me　they　were　not　NOTICED　at　the　time；　my　mind　being　solely　occupied
with　rectifying　the　stupid　blunder　I　had　made。

Once　more　in　my　own　room　a　sudden　revelation　startled　me。　　Everyone
knows　what　it　is　to　have　details　come　under　the　eye　which　the　mind
first　interprets　long　after　the　eye　ceases　to　rest　upon　them。　　The
impressions　are　received　passively；　but　they　are　registered；　and
can　be　calmly　read　whenever　the　mind　is　in　activity。　　It　was　so
now。　　I　suddenly；　as　if　now　for　the　first　time；　saw　that　the
addresses　on　Bourgonef's　letters　were　written　in　a　fluent；　masterly
hand；　bold　in　character；　and　with　a　certain　sweep　which　might　have
come　from　a　painter。　　The　thrill　which　this　vision　gave　will　be
intelligible　when　you　remember　that　Bourgonef　had　lost　or　pretended
to　have　lost　his　right　arm；　and　was；　as　I　before　intimated；　far
from　dexterous　with　his　left。　　That　no　man　recently　thrown　upon　the
use　of　a　left　hand　could　have　written　those　addresses　was　too
evident。　　What；　then；　was　the　alternative？　　The　empty　sleeve　was　an
imposture！　　At　once　the　old　horrible　suspicion　returned；　and　this
time　with　tenfold　violence；　and　with　damnatory　confirmation。

Pressing　my　temples　between　my　hands；　I　tried　to　be　calm　and　to
survey　the　evidence　without　precipitation；　but　for　some　time　the
conflict　of　thoughts　was　too　violent。　　Whatever　might　be　the
explanation；　clear　it　was　that　Bourgonef；　for　some　purposes；　was
practising　a　deception；　and　had；　as　I　knew；　other　means　of
disguising　his　appearance。　　This；　on　the　most　favorable
interpretation；　branded　him　with　suspicion。　　This　excluded　him　from
the　circle　of　honest　men。

But　did　it　connect　him　with　the　murder　of　Lieschen　Lehfeldt？　　In　my
thought　it　did　so　indubitably；　but　I　was　aware　of　the　difficulty　of
making　this　clear　to　anyone　else。


VI

FIRST　LOVE


If　the　reader　feels　that　my　suspicions　were　not　wholly　unwarranted；
were　indeed　inevitable；　he　will　not　laugh　at　me　on　learning　that
once　more　these　suspicions　were　set　aside；　and　the　factthe
damnatory　fact；　as　I　regarded　itdiscovered　by　me　so　accidentally；
and；　I　thought；　providentially；　was　robbed　of　all　its　significance
by　Bourgonef　himself　casually　and　carelessly　avowing　it　in
conversation；　just　as　one　may　avow　a　secret　infirmity；　with　some
bitterness；　but　without　any　implication　of　deceit　in　its
concealment。

I　was　the　more　prepared　for　this　revulsion　of　feeling；　by　the
difficulty　I　felt　in　maintaining　my　suspicions　in　the　presence　of
one　so　gentle　and　so　refined。　　He　had　come　into　my　room　that
evening　to　tell　me　of　his　visit　to　Schwanthaler；　and　of　the
sculptor's　flattering　desire　to　make　my　personal　acquaintance。　　He
spoke　of　Schwanthaler；　and　his　earnest　efforts　in　art；　with　so　much
enthusiasm；　and　was　altogether　so　charming；　that　I　felt　abashed
before　him；　incapable　of　ridding　myself　of　the　dreadful　suspicions；
yet　incapable　of　firmly　believing　him　to　be　what　I　thought。　　But
more　than　this；　there　came　the　new　interest　awakened　in　me　by　his
story；　and　when；　in　the　course　of　his　story；　he　accidentally
disclosed　the　fact　that　he　had　not　lost　his　arm；　all　my　suspicions
vanished　at　once。

We　had　got；　as　usual；　upon　politics；　and　were　differing　more　than
usual；　because　he　gave　greater　prominence　to　his　sympathy　with　the
Red　Republicans。　　He　accused　me　of　not　being　〃thorough…going；〃
which　I　admitted。　　This　he　attributed　to　the　fact　of　my　giving　a
divided　heart　to　politicsa　condition　natural　enough　at　my　age；
and　with　my　hopes。　　〃Well；〃　said　I；　laughing；　〃you　don't　mean　to
take　a　lofty　stand　upon　your　few　years'　seniority。　　If　my　age
renders　it　natural；　does　yours　profoundly　alter　such　a　conviction？〃

〃My　age；　no。　　But　you　have　the　hope