5 midnigh+sun-第23章
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I could answer that last one。 If I forced her into this empty half…life through my
weakness and selfishness； surely she would hate me。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
89
But there was one more horrifying image—worse than any image I'd ever held
inside my head。
My own eyes； deep crimson with human blood； the eyes of the monster。 Bella's
broken body in my arms； ashy white； drained； lifeless。 It was so concrete； so clear。
I couldn't stand to see this。 Could not bear it。 I tried to banish it from my mind；
tried to see something else； anything else。 Tried to see again the expression on her living
face that had obstructed my view for the last chapter of my existence。 All to no avail。
Alice's bleak vision filled my head； and I writhed internally with the agony it
caused。 Meanwhile； the monster in me was overflowing with glee； jubilant at the
likelihood of his success。 It sickened me。
This could not be allowed。 There had to be a way to circumvent the future。 I
would not let Alice's visions direct me。 I could choose a different path。 There was
always a choice。
There had to be。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
90
5。 Invitations
High school。 Purgatory no longer； it was now purely hell。 Torment and fire？yes； I had
both。
I was doing everything correctly now。 Every 〃i〃 dotted； every 〃t〃 crossed。 No
one could complain that I was shirking my responsibilities。
To please Esme and protect the others； I stayed in Forks。 I returned to my old
schedule。 I hunted no more than the rest of them。 Everyday； I attended high school and
played human。 Everyday； I listened carefully for anything new about the Cullens—there
never was anything new。 The girl did not speak one word of her suspicions。 She just
repeated the same story again and again—I'd been standing with her and then pulled her
out of the way—till her eager listeners got bored and stopped looking for more details。
There was no danger。 My hasty action had hurt no one。
No one but myself。
I was determined to change the future。 Not the easiest task to set for oneself； but
there was no other choice that I could live with。
Alice said that I would not be strong enough to stay away from the girl。 I would
prove her wrong。
I'd thought the first day would be the hardest。 By the end of it； I'd been sure that
was the case。 I'd been wrong； though。
It had rankled； knowing that I would hurt the girl。 I'd comforted myself with the
fact that her pain would be nothing more than a pinprick—just a tiny sting of rejection—
compared to mine。 Bella was human； and she knew that I was something else； something
wrong； something frightening。 She would probably be more relieved than wounded when
I turned my face away from her and pretended that she didn't exist。
〃Hello； Edward；〃 she'd greeted me； that first day back in biology。 Her voice had
been pleasant； friendly； one hundred and eighty degrees from the last time I'd spoken
with her。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
91
Why？ What did the change mean？ Had she forgotten？ Decided she had
imagined the whole episode？ Could she possibly have forgiven me for not following
through on my promise？
The questions had burned like the thirst that attacked me every time I breathed。
Just one moment to look in her eyes。 Just to see if I could read the answers
there？
No。 I could not allow myself even that。 Not if I was going to change the future。
I'd moved my chin an inch in her direction without looking away from the front
of the room。 I'd nodded once； and then turned my face straight forward。
She did not speak to me again。
That afternoon； as soon as school was finished； my role played； I ran to Seattle as
I had the day before。 It seemed that I could handle the aching just slightly better when I
was flying over the ground； turning everything around me into a green blur。
This run became my daily habit。
Did I love her？ I did not think so。 Not yet。 Alice's glimpses of that future had
stuck with me； though； and I could see how easy it would be to fall into loving Bella。 It
would be exactly like falling： effortless。 Not letting myself love her was the opposite of
falling—it was pulling myself up a cliff…face； hand over hand； the task as grueling as if I
had no more than mortal strength。
More than a month passed； and every day it got harder。 That made no sense to
me—I kept waiting to get over it； to have it get easier。 This must be what Alice had
meant when she'd predicted that I would not be able to stay away from the girl。 She had
seen the escalation of the pain。 But I could handle pain。
I would not destroy Bella's future。 If I was destined to love her； then wasn't
avoiding her the very least I could do？
Avoiding her was about the limit of what I could bear； though。 I could pretend to
ignore her； and never look her way。 I could pretend that she was of no interest to me。
But that was the extent； just pretense and not reality。
I still hung on every breath she took； every word she said。
I lumped my torments into four categories。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
92
The first two were familiar。 Her scent and her silence。 Or； rather—to take the
responsibility on myself where it belonged—my thirst and my curiosity。
The thirst was the most primal of my torments。 It was my habit now to simply not
breathe at all in Biology。 Of course； there were always the exceptions—when I had to
answer a question or something of the sort； and I would need my breath to speak。 Each
time I tasted the air around the girl； it was the same as the first day—fire and need and
brutal violence desperate to break free。 It was hard to cling even slightly to reason or
restraint in those moments。 And； just like that first day； the monster in me would roar； so
close to the surface？
The curiosity was the most constant of my torments。 The question was never out
of my mind： What is she thinking now？ When I heard her quietly sigh。 When she
twisted a lock of hair absently around her finger。 When she threw her books down with
more force than usual。 When she rushed to class late。 When she tapped her foot
impatiently against the floor。 Each movement caught in my peripheral vision was a
maddening mystery。 When she spoke to the other human students； I analyzed her every
word and tone。 Was she speaking her thoughts； or what she thought she should say？ It
often sounded to me like she was trying to say what her audience expected； and this
reminded me of my family and our daily life of illusion—we were better at it than she
was。 Unless I wrong about that； just imagining things。 Why would she have to play a
role？ She was one of them—a human teenager。
Mike Newton was the most surprising of my torments。 Who would have ever
dreamed that such a generic； boring mortal could be so infuriating？ To be fair； I should
have felt some gratitude to the annoying boy； more than the others； he kept the girl
talking。 I learned so much about her through these conversations—I was still compiling
my list—but； contrarily； Mike's assistance with this project only aggravated me more。 I
didn't want Mike to be the one that unlocked her secrets。 I wanted to do that。
It helped that he never noticed her small revelations； her little slips。 He knew
nothing about her。 He'd created a Bella in his head that didn't exist—a girl just as
generic as he was。 He hadn't observed the unselfishness and bravery that set her apart
from other humans； he didn't hear the abnormal maturity of her spoken thoughts。 He
didn't perceive that when she spoke of her mother； she sounded like a parent speaking of
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
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a child rather than the other way around—loving； indulgent； slightly amused； and fiercely
protective。 He didn't hear the patience in her voice when she feigned interest in his
rambling stories； and didn't guess at the kindness behind that patience。
Through her conversations with Mike； I was able to add the most important
quality to my list； the most revealing of them all； as simple as it was rare。 Bella was
good。 All the other things added up to that whole—k
