david copperfield(大卫.科波维尔)-第183章
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lady； in my heart！’
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
David Copperfield
He walked across the room； and came back to the same place；
holding the chair with a grasp that trembled； like his subdued
voice； in its earnestness。
‘I regarded myself as a refuge； for her； from the dangers and
vicissitudes of life。 I persuaded myself that； unequal though we
were in years； she would live tranquilly and contentedly with me。 I
did not shut out of my consideration the time when I should leave
her free； and still young and still beautiful； but with her judgement
more matured—no； gentlemen—upon my truth！’
His homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and
generosity。 Every word he uttered had a force that no other grace
could have imparted to it。
‘My life with this lady has been very happy。 Until tonight； I have
had uninterrupted occasion to bless the day on which I did her
great injustice。’
His voice； more and more faltering in the utterance of these
words； stopped for a few moments； then he went on：
‘Once awakened from my dream—I have been a poor dreamer；
in one way or other； all my life—I see how natural it is that she
should have some regretful feeling towards her old companion
and her equal。 That she does regard him with some innocent
regret； with some blameless thoughts of what might have been；
but for me； is； I fear； too true。 Much that I have seen； but not
noted； has come back upon me with new meaning； during this last
trying hour。 But； beyond this； gentlemen； the dear lady’s name
never must be coupled with a word； a breath； of doubt。’
For a little while； his eye kindled and his voice was firm； for a
little while he was again silent。 Presently； he proceeded as before：
‘It only remains for me； to bear the knowledge of the
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
David Copperfield
unhappiness I have occasioned； as submissively as I can。 It is she
who should reproach； not I。 To save her from misconstruction；
cruel misconstruction； that even my friends have not been able to
avoid； becomes my duty。 The more retired we live； the better I
shall discharge it。 And when the time comes—may it come soon； if
it be His merciful pleasure！—when my death shall release her
from constraint； I shall close my eyes upon her honoured face；
with unbounded confidence and love； and leave her； with no
sorrow then； to happier and brighter days。’
I could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and
goodness； so adorned by； and so adorning； the perfect simplicity of
his manner； brought into my eyes。 He had moved to the door；
when he added：
‘Gentlemen； I have shown you my heart。 I am sure you will
respect it。 What we have said tonight is never to be said more。
Wickfield； give me an old friend’s arm upstairs！’
Mr。 Wickfield hastened to him。 Without interchanging a word
they went slowly out of the room together； Uriah looking after
them。
‘Well； Master Copperfield！’ said Uriah； meekly turning to me。
‘The thing hasn’t took quite the turn that might have been
expected； for the old Scholar—what an excellent man！—is as blind
as a brickbat； but this family’s out of the cart； I think！’
I needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as I
never was before； and never have been since。
‘You villain；’ said I； ‘what do you mean by entrapping me into
your schemes？ How dare you appeal to me just now； you false
rascal； as if we had been in discussion together？’
As we stood； front to front； I saw so plainly； in the stealthy
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
David Copperfield
exultation of his face； what I already so plainly knew； I mean that
he forced his confidence upon me； expressly to make me
miserable； and had set a deliberate trap for me in this very matter；
that I couldn’t bear it。 The whole of his lank cheek was invitingly
before me； and I struck it with my open hand with that force that
my fingers tingled as if I had burnt them。
He caught the hand in his； and we stood in that connexion；
looking at each other。 We stood so； a long time； long enough for
me to see the white marks of my fingers die out of the deep red of
his cheek； and leave it a deeper red。
‘Copperfield；’ he said at length； in a breathless voice； ‘have you
taken leave of your senses？’
‘I have taken leave of you；’ said I； wresting my hand away。 ‘You
dog； I’ll know no more of you。’
‘Won’t you？’ said he； constrained by the pain of his cheek to put
his hand there。 ‘Perhaps you won’t be able to help it。 Isn’t this
ungrateful of you； now？’
‘I have shown you often enough；’ said I； ‘that I despise you。 I
have shown you now； more plainly； that I do。 Why should I dread
your doing your worst to all about you？ What else do you ever do？’
He perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that
had hitherto restrained me in my communications with him。 I
rather think that neither the blow； nor the allusion； would have
escaped me； but for the assurance I had had from Agnes that
night。 It is no matter。
There was another long pause。 His eyes； as he looked at me；
seemed to take every shade of colour that could make eyes ugly。
‘Copperfield；’ he said； removing his hand from his cheek； ‘you
have always gone against me。 I know you always used to be
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
David Copperfield
against me at Mr。 Wickfield’s。’
‘You may think what you like；’ said I； still in a towering rage。 ‘If
it is not true； so much the worthier you。’
‘And yet I always liked you； Copperfield！’ he rejoined。
I deigned to make him no reply； and； taking up my hat； was
going out to bed； when he came between me and the door。
‘Copperfield；’ he said； ‘there must be two parties to a quarrel。 I
won’t be one。’
‘You may go to the devil！’ said I。
‘Don’t say that！’ he replied。 ‘I know you’ll be sorry afterwards。
How can you make yourself so inferior to me； as to show such a
bad spirit？ But I forgive you。’
‘You forgive me！’ I repeated disdainfully。
‘I do； and you can’t help yourself；’ replied Uriah。 ‘To think of
your going and attacking me； that have always been a friend to
you！ But there can’t be a quarrel without two parties； and I won’t
be one。 I will be a friend to you； in spite of you。 So now you know
what you’ve got to expect。’
The necessity of carrying on this dialogue （his part in which
was very slow； mine very quick） in a low tone； that the house
might not be disturbed at an unseasonable hour； did not improve
my temper； though my passion was cooling down。 Merely telling
him that I should expect from him what I always had expected；
and had never yet been disappointed in； I opened the door upon
him； as if he had been a great walnut put there to be cracked； and
went out of the house。 But he slept out of the house too； at his
mother’s lodging； and before I had gone many hundred yards；
came up with me。
‘You know； Copperfield；’ he said； in my ear （I did not turn my
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
David Copperfield
head）； ‘you’re in quite a wrong position’； which I felt to be true；
and that made me chafe the more； ‘you can’t make this a brave
thing； and you can’t help being forgiven。 I don’t intend to mention
it to mother； nor to any living soul。 I’m determined to forgive you。
But I do wonder that you should lift your hand against a person
that you knew to be so umble！’
I felt only less mean than he。 He knew me better than I knew
myself。 If he had retorted or openly exasperated me； it would have
been a relief and a justification； but he had put me on a slow fire；
on which I lay tormented half the night。
In the morning； when I came out； the early church…bell was
ringing； and he was walking up and down with his mother。 He
addressed me as if nothing had happened； and I could do no less
than reply。 I had struck him hard enough to give him the
toothache； I suppose。 At all events his face was tied up in a black
silk handkerchief； which； with his hat perched
