the idle thoughts of an idle fellow[1].(一个浪子的随想)-第21章
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impossible for him to go through the ordeal with a second。 He stands in far
too much dread of the whole female sex to want to go gadding about with
many of them。 One is quite enough for him。
Now； it is different with the young man who is not shy。 He has
temptations which his bashful brother never encounters。 He looks around
and everywhere sees roguish eyes and laughing lips。 What more natural
than that amid so many roguish ayes and laughing lips he should become
confused and； forgetting for the moment which particular pair of roguish
ayes and laughing lips it is that he belongs to； go off making love to the
wrong set。 The shy man； who never looks at anything but his own boots；
sees not and is not tempted。 Happy shy man！
Not but what the shy man himself would much rather not be happy in
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
that way。 He longs to 〃go it〃 with the others； and curses himself every day
for not being able to。 He will now and again； screwing up his courage by a
tremendous effort； plunge into roguishness。 But it is always a terrible
_fiasco_； and after one or two feeble flounders he crawls out again； limp
and pitiable。
I say 〃pitiable；〃 though I am afraid he never is pitied。 There are certain
misfortunes which； while inflicting a vast amount of suffering upon their
victims； gain for them no sympathy。 Losing an umbrella； falling in love；
toothache； black eyes； and having your hat sat upon may be mentioned as
a few examples； but the chief of them all is shyness。 The shy man is
regarded as an animate joke。 His tortures are the sport of the drawing…
room arena and are pointed out and discussed with much gusto。
〃Look；〃 cry his tittering audience to each other； 〃he's blushing！〃
〃Just watch his legs；〃 says one。
〃Do you notice how he is sitting？〃 adds another： 〃right on the edge of
the chair。〃
〃Seems to have plenty of color；〃 sneers a military…looking gentleman。
〃Pity he's got so many hands；〃 murmurs an elderly lady； with her own
calmly folded on her lap。 〃They quite confuse him。〃
〃A yard or two off his feet wouldn't be a disadvantage；〃 chimes in the
comic man； 〃especially as he seems so anxious to hide them。〃
And then another suggests that with such a voice he ought to have
been a sea…captain。 Some draw attention to the desperate way in which he
is grasping his hat。 Some comment upon his limited powers of
conversation。 Others remark upon the troublesome nature of his cough。
And so on； until his peculiarities and the company are both thoroughly
exhausted。
His friends and relations make matters still more unpleasant for the
poor boy （friends and relations are privileged to be more disagreeable than
other people）。 Not content with making fun of him among themselves；
they insist on his seeing the joke。 They mimic and caricature him for his
own edification。 One； pretending to imitate him； goes outside and comes
in again in a ludicrously nervous manner； explaining to him afterward that
that is the way hemeaning the shy fellowwalks into a room； or； turning
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
to him with 〃This is the way you shake hands；〃 proceeds to go through a
comic pantomime with the rest of the room； taking hold of every one's
hand as if it were a hot plate and flabbily dropping it again。 And then they
ask him why he blushes； and why he stammers； and why he always speaks
in an almost inaudible tone； as if they thought he did it on purpose。 Then
one of them； sticking out his chest and strutting about the room like a
pouter…pigeon； suggests quite seriously that that is the style he should
adopt。 The old man slaps him on the back and says： 〃Be bold； my boy。
Don't be afraid of any one。〃 The mother says； 〃Never do anything that you
need be ashamed of； Algernon； and then you never need be ashamed of
anything you do；〃 and； beaming mildly at him； seems surprised at the
clearness of her own logic。 The boys tell him that he's 〃worse than a girl；〃
and the girls repudiate the implied slur upon their sex by indignantly
exclaiming that they are sure no girl would be half as bad。
They are quite right； no girl would be。 There is no such thing as a shy
woman； or； at all events； I have never come across one； and until I do I
shall not believe in them。 I know that the generally accepted belief is quite
the reverse。 All women are supposed to be like timid； startled fawns；
blushing and casting down their gentle eyes when looked at and running
away when spoken to； while we man are supposed to be a bold and
rollicky lot； and the poor dear little women admire us for it； but are terribly
afraid of us。 It is a pretty theory； but； like most generally accepted theories；
mere nonsense。 The girl of twelve is self…contained and as cool as the
proverbial cucumber； while her brother of twenty stammers and stutters by
her side。 A woman will enter a concert…room late； interrupt the
performance； and disturb the whole audience without moving a hair； while
her husband follows her； a crushed heap of apologizing misery。
The superior nerve of women in all matters connected with love； from
the casting of the first sheep's…eye down to the end of the honeymoon； is
too well acknowledged to need comment。 Nor is the example a fair one to
cite in the present instance； the positions not being equally balanced。 Love
is woman's business； and in 〃business〃 we all lay aside our natural
weaknessesthe shyest man I ever knew was a photographic tout。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
ON BABIES。
Oh； yes； I doI know a lot about 'em。 I was one myself once； though
not longnot so long as my clothes。 They were very long； I recollect； and
always in my way when I wanted to kick。 Why do babies have such yards
of unnecessary clothing？ It is not a riddle。 I really want to know。 I never
could understand it。 Is it that the parents are ashamed of the size of the
child and wish to make believe that it is longer than it actually is？ I asked
a nurse once why it was。 She said：
〃Lor'； sir； they always have long clothes； bless their little hearts。〃
And when I explained that her answer； although doing credit to her
feelings； hardly disposed of my difficulty； she replied：
〃Lor'； sir； you wouldn't have 'em in short clothes； poor little dears？〃
And she said it in a tone that seemed to imply I had suggested some
unmanly outrage。
Since than I have felt shy at making inquiries on the subject； and the
reasonif reason there beis still a mystery to me。 But indeed； putting
them in any clothes at all seems absurd to my mind。 Goodness knows
there is enough of dressing and undressing to be gone through in life
without beginning it before we need； and one would think that people who
live in bed might at all events be spared the torture。 Why wake the poor
little wretches up in the morning to take one lot
