stage-land-第3章
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direction。
Not but what it must be confessed that her change of feeling is； under
the circumstances； only natural。 He took her away from her happy；
peaceful home when she was very young and brought her up to this
wicked overgrown London。 He did not marry her。 There is no earthly
reason why he should not have married her。 She must have been a fine
girl at that time （and she is a good…looking woman as it is； with dash
and go about her）； and any other man would have settled down cozily
with her and have led a simple； blameless life。
But the stage villain is built cussed。
He ill…uses this female most shockinglynot for any cause or motive
whatever； indeed； his own practical interests should prompt him to
treat her well and keep friends with herbut from the natural
cussedness to which we have just alluded。 When he speaks to her he
seizes her by the wrist and breathes what he's got to say into her
ear； and it tickles and revolts her。
The only thing in which he is good to her is in the matter of dress。
He does not stint her in dress。
The stage villain is superior to the villain of real life。 The
villain of real life is actuated by mere sordid and selfish motives。
The stage villain does villainy； not for any personal advantage to
himself； but merely from the love of the thing as an art。 Villainy is
to him its own reward； he revels in it。
〃Better far be poor and villainous；〃 he says to himself； 〃than possess
all the wealth of the Indies with a clear conscience。 I will be a
villain；〃 he cries。 〃I will； at great expense and inconvenience to
myself； murder the good old man； get the hero accused of the crime；
and make love to his wife while he is in prison。 It will be a risky
and laborious business for me from beginning to end； and can bring me
no practical advantage whatever。 The girl will call me insulting
names when I pay her a visit； and will push me violently in the chest
when I get near her； her golden…haired infant will say I am a bad man
and may even refuse to kiss me。 The comic man will cover me with
humorous opprobrium； and the villagers will get a day off and hang
about the village pub and hoot me。 Everybody will see through my
villainy； and I shall be nabbed in the end。 I always am。 But it is
no matter； I will be a villainha！ ha！〃
On the whole； the stage villain appears to us to be a rather badly
used individual。 He never has any 〃estates〃 or property himself； and
his only chance of getting on in the world is to sneak the hero's。 He
has an affectionate disposition； and never having any wife of his own
he is compelled to love other people's； but his affection is ever
unrequited； and everything comes wrong for him in the end。
Our advice to stage villains generally； after careful observation of
（stage） life and （stage） human nature； is as follows：
Never be a stage villain at all if you can help it。 The life is too
harassing and the remuneration altogether disproportionate to the
risks and labor。
If you have run away with the clergyman's daughter and she still
clings to you； do not throw her down in the center of the stage and
call her names。 It only irritates her； and she takes a dislike to you
and goes and warns the other girl。
Don't have too many accomplices； and if you have got them； don't keep
sneering at them and bullying them。 A word from them can hang you；
and yet you do all you can to rile them。 Treat them civilly and let
them have their fair share of the swag。
Beware of the comic man。 When you are committing a murder or robbing
a safe you never look to see where the comic man is。 You are so
careless in that way。 On the whole； it might be as well if you
murdered the comic man early in the play。
Don't make love to the hero's wife。 She doesn't like you； how can you
expect her to？ Besides； it isn't proper。 Why don't you get a girl of
your own？
Lastly； don't go down to the scenes of your crimes in the last act。
You always will do this。 We suppose it is some extra cheap excursion
down there that attracts you。 But take our advice and don't go。 That
is always where you get nabbed。 The police know your habits from
experience。 They do not trouble to look for you。 They go down in the
last act to the old hall or the ruined mill where you did the deed and
wait for you。
In nine cases out of ten you would get off scot…free but for this
idiotic custom of yours。 Do keep away from the place。 Go abroad or
to the sea…side when the last act begins and stop there till it is
over。 You will be safe then。
THE HEROINE。
She is always in troubleand don't she let you know it； too！ Her
life is undeniably a hard one。 Nothing goes right with her。 We all
have our troubles； but the stage heroine never has anything else。 If
she only got one afternoon a week off from trouble or had her Sundays
free it would be something。
But no； misfortune stalks beside her from week's beginning to week's
end。
After her husband has been found guilty of murder； which is about the
least thing that can ever happen to him； and her white…haired father
has become a bankrupt and has died of a broken heart； and the home of
her childhood has been sold up； then her infant goes and contracts a
lingering fever。
She weeps a good deal during the course of her troubles； which we
suppose is only natural enough； poor woman。 But it is depressing from
the point of view of the audience； and we almost wish before the
evening is out that she had not got quite so much trouble。
It is over the child that she does most of her weeping。 The child has
a damp time of it altogether。 We sometimes wonder that it never
catches rheumatism。
She is very good； is the stage heroine。 The comic man expresses a
belief that she is a born angel。 She reproves him for this with a
tearful smile （it wouldn't be her smile if it wasn't tearful）。
〃Oh； no；〃 she says （sadly of course）； 〃I have many； many faults。〃
We rather wish that she would show them a little more。 Her excessive
goodness seems somehow to pall upon us。 Our only consolation while
watching her is that there are not many good women off the stage。
Life is bad enough as it is； if there were many women in real life as
good as the stage heroine； it would be unbearable。
The stage heroine's only pleasure in life is to go out in a snow…storm
without an umbrella and with no bonnet on。 She has a bonnet； we know
（rather a tasteful little thing）； we have seen it hanging up behind
the door of her room； but when she comes out for a night stroll during
a heavy snow…storm （accompanied by thunder）； she is most careful to
leave it at home。 Maybe she fears the snow will spoil it； and she is
a careful girl。
She always brings her child out with her on these occasions。 She
seems to think that it will freshen it up。 The child does not
appreciate the snow as much as she does。 He says it's cold。
One thing that must irritate the stage heroine very much on these
occasions is the way in which the snow seems to lie in wait for her
and follow her about。 It is quite a fine night before she comes on
the scene： the moment she appears it begins to snow。 It snows
heavily all the while she remains about； and the instant she goes it
clears up again and keeps dry for the rest of the evening。
The way the snow 〃goes〃 for that poor woman is most unfair。 It always
snows much heavier in the particular spot where she is sitting than it
does anywhere else in the whole street。 Why； we have sometimes seen a
heroine sitting in the midst of a blinding snow…storm while the other
side of the road was as dry as a bone。 And it never seemed to occur
to her to cross over。
We have even known a more than unusually malignant snow…storm to
follow a heroine three times round the stage and then go off （R。） with
her。
Of course you can't get away from a snow…storm like that！ A stage
snow…storm is the kind of snow…storm that would follow you upstairs
and want to come into bed with you。
Another curious thing about these stage snow…storms is that the moon
is always shining brightly through the whole of them。 And it shines
only on the heroine； and it follows her about just like th
