stage-land-第4章
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only on the heroine； and it follows her about just like the snow does。
Nobody fully understands what a wonderful work of nature the moon is
except people acquainted with the stage。 Astronomy teaches you
something about the moon； but you learn a good deal more from a few
visits to a theater。 You will find from the latter that the moon only
shines on heroes and heroines； with perhaps an occasional beam on the
comic man： it always goes out when it sees the villain coming。
It is surprising； too； how quickly the moon can go out on the stage。
At one moment it is riding in full radiance in the midst of a
cloudless sky； and the next instant it is gone！ Just as though it had
been turned off at a meter。 It makes you quite giddy at first until
you get used to it。
The stage heroine is inclined to thoughtfulness rather than gayety。
In her cheerful moments the stage heroine thinks she sees the spirit
of her mother； or the ghost of her father； or she dreams of her dead
baby。
But this is only in her very merry moods。 As a rule； she is too much
occupied with weeping to have time for frivolous reflections。
She has a great flow of language and a wonderful gift of metaphor and
similemore forcible than elegantand this might be rather trying in
a wife under ordinary circumstances。 But as the hero is generally
sentenced to ten years' penal servitude on his wedding…morn； he
escapes for a period from a danger that might well appall a less
fortunate bridegroom。
Sometimes the stage heroine has a brother； and if so he is sure to be
mistaken for her lover。 We never came across a brother and sister in
real life who ever gave the most suspicious person any grounds for
mistaking them for lovers； but the stage brother and sister are so
affectionate that the error is excusable。
And when the mistake does occur and the husband comes in suddenly and
finds them kissing and raves she doesn't turn round and say：
〃Why； you silly cuckoo； it's only my brother。〃
That would be simple and sensible； and would not suit the stage
heroine at all。 No； she does all in her power to make everybody
believe it is true； so that she can suffer in silence。
She does so love to suffer。
Marriage is undoubtedly a failure in the case of the stage heroine。
If the stage heroine were well advised she would remain single。 Her
husband means well。 He is decidedly affectionate。 But he is
unfortunate and inexperienced in worldly affairs。 Things come right
for him at the end of the play； it is true； but we would not recommend
the heroine to place too much reliance upon the continuance of this
happy state of affairs。 From what we have seen of her husband and his
business capabilities during the five acts preceding； we are inclined
to doubt the possibility of his being anything but unfortunate to the
end of his career。
True； he has at last got his 〃rights〃 （which he would never have lost
had he had a head instead of a sentimental bladder on his shoulders）；
the Villain is handcuffed； and he and the heroine have settled down
comfortably next door to the comic man。
But this heavenly existence will never last。 The stage hero was built
for trouble； and he will be in it again in another month； you bet。
They'll get up another mortgage for him on the 〃estates；〃 and he won't
know； bless you； whether he really did sign it or whether he didn't；
and out he will go。
And he'll slop his name about to documents without ever looking to see
what he's doing； and be let in for Lord knows what； and another wife
will turn up for him that he had married when a boy and forgotten all
about。
And the next corpse that comes to the village he'll get mixed up
withsure toand have it laid to his door； and there'll be all the
old business over again。
No； our advice to the stage heroine is to get rid of the hero as soon
as possible； marry the villain； and go and live abroad somewhere where
the comic man won't come fooling around。
She will be much happier。
THE COMIC MAN。
He follows the hero all over the world。 This is rough on the hero。
What makes him so gone on the hero is that when they were boys
together the hero used to knock him down and kick him。 The comic man
remembers this with a glow of pride when he is grown up； and it makes
him love the hero and determine to devote his life to him。
He is a man of humble stationthe comic man。 The village blacksmith
or a peddler。 You never see a rich or aristocratic comic man on the
stage。 You can have your choice on the stage； you can be funny and of
lowly origin； or you can be well…to…do and without any sense of humor。
Peers and policemen are the people most utterly devoid of humor on the
stage。
The chief duty of the comic man's life is to make love to
servant…girls； and they slap his face； but it does not discourage him；
he seems to be more smitten by them than ever。
The comic man is happy under any fate； and he says funny things at
funerals and when the bailiffs are in the house or the hero is waiting
to be hanged。
This sort of man is rather trying in real life。 In real life such a
man would probably be slaughtered to death and buried at an early
period of his career； but on the stage they put up with him。
He is very good； is the comic man。 He can't bear villainy。 To thwart
villainy is his life's ambition； and in this noble object fortune
backs him up grandly。 Bad people come and commit their murders and
thefts right under his nose； so that he can denounce them in the last
act。
They never see him there； standing close beside them； while they are
performing these fearful crimes。
It is marvelous how short…sighted people on the stage are。 We always
thought that the young lady in real life was moderately good at not
seeing folks she did not want to when they were standing straight in
front of her； but her affliction in this direction is as nothing
compared with that of her brothers and sisters on the stage。
These unfortunate people come into rooms where there are crowds of
people aboutpeople that it is most important that they should see；
and owing to not seeing whom they get themselves into fearful trouble；
and they never notice any of them。 They talk to somebody opposite；
and they can't see a third person that is standing bang between the
two of them。
You might fancy they wore blinkers。
Then； again； their hearing is so terribly weak。 It really ought to be
seen to。 People talk and chatter at the very top of their voices
close behind them； and they never hear a worddon't know anybody's
there； even。 After it has been going on for half an hour； and the
people 〃up stage〃 have made themselves hoarse with shouting； and
somebody has been boisterously murdered and all the furniture upset；
then the people 〃down stage〃 〃think they hear a noise。〃
The comic man always rows with his wife if he is married or with his
sweetheart if he is not married。 They quarrel all day long。 It must
be a trying life； you would think； but they appear to like it。
How the comic man lives and supports his wife （she looks as if it
wanted something to support her； too） and family is always a mystery
to us。 As we have said； he is not a rich man and he never seems to
earn any money。 Sometimes he keeps a shop； and in the way he manages
business it must be an expensive thing to keep； for he never charges
anybody for anything； he is so generous。 All his customers seem to be
people more or less in trouble； and he can't find it in his heart to
ask them to pay for their goods under such distressing circumstances。
He stuffs their basket full with twice as much as they came to buy；
pushes their money back into their hands； and wipes away a tear。
Why doesn't a comic man come and set up a grocery store in our
neighborhood？
When the shop does not prove sufficiently profitable （as under the
above…explained method sometimes happens to be the case） the comic
man's wife seeks to add to the income by taking in lodgers。 This is a
bad move on her part； for it always ends in the lodgers taking her in。
The hero and heroine； who seem to have been waiting for something of
the sort； immediately come and take possessio
