the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第7章

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thumbscrews；　when　we　was　in　a　Tower　where　so　many　poor　pepl's
heads　had　been　cut　off。　　This　made　the　Warder　stammer　and　turn
red。

I　was　so　blessed　with　the　little　girl's　brightness　that　I　could
have　kissed　the　dear　child；　and　I　would　if　she'd　been　six　years
older。

I　think　my　companions　intended　makin　a　day　of　it；　for　they　all
had　sandwiches；　sassiges；　etc。　　The　sad…lookin　man；　who　had
wanted　us　to　drop　a　tear　afore　we　started　to　go　round；　fling'd
such　quantities　of　sassige　into　his　mouth；　that　I　expected　to　see
him　choke　hisself　to　death。　　He　said　to　me；　in　the　Beauchamp
Tower；　where　the　poor　prisoners　writ　their　onhappy　names　on　the
cold　walls；　〃This　is　a　sad　sight。〃

〃It　is；　indeed；〃　I　anserd。　　〃You're　black　in　the　face。　　You
shouldn't　eat　sassige　in　public　without　some　rehearsals
beforehand。　　You　manage　it　orkwardly。〃

〃No；〃　he　said；　〃I　mean　this　sad　room。〃

Indeed；　he　was　quite　right。　　Tho'　so　long　ago　all　these　drefful
things　happened；　I　was　very　glad　to　git　away　from　this　gloomy
room；　and　go　where　the　rich　and　sparklin　Crown　Jewils　is　kept。　　I
was　so　pleased　with　the　Queen's　Crown；　that　it　occurd　to　me　what
a　agree'ble　surprise　it　would　be　to　send　a　sim'lar　one　home　to　my
wife；　and　I　asked　the　Warder　what　was　the　vally　of　a　good；
well…constructed　Crown　like　that。　　He　told　me；　but　on　cypherin　up
with　a　pencil　the　amount　of　funs　I　have　in　the　Jint　Stock　Bank；　I
conclooded　I'd　send　her　a　genteel　silver　watch　instid。

And　so　I　left　the　Tower。　　It　is　a　solid　and　commandin　edifis；　but
I　deny　that　it　is　cheerful。　　I　bid　it　adoo　without　a　pang。

I　was　droven　to　my　hotel　by　the　most　melancholly　driver　of　a
four…wheeler　that　I　ever　saw。　　He　heaved　a　deep　sigh　as　I　gave
him　two　shillings。

〃I'll　give　you　six　d。's　more；〃　I　said；　〃if　it　hurts　you　so。〃

〃It　isn't　that；〃　he　said；　with　a　hart…rendin　groan；　〃it's　only　a
way　I　have。　　My　mind's　upset　to…day。　　I　at　one　time　tho't　I'd
drive　you　into　the　Thames。　　I've　been　readin　in　all　the　daily
papers　to　try　and　understand　about　Governor　Ayre；　and　my　mind　is
totterin。　　It's　really　wonderful　I　didn't　drive　you　into　the
Thames。〃

I　asked　the　onhappy　man　what　his　number　was；　so　I　could　redily
find　him　in　case　I　should　want　him　agin；　and　bad　him　good…bye。
And　then　I　tho't　what　a　frollicksome　day　I'd　made　of　it。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Respectably；　&c。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。7。　　SCIENCE　AND　NATURAL　HISTORY。

MR。　PUNCH；　My　dear　Sir；I　was　a　little　disapinted　in　not
receivin　a　invitation　to　jine　in　the　meetins　of　the　Social
Science　Congress。

I　don't　exackly　see　how　they　go　on　without　me。

I　hope　it　wasn't　the　intentions　of　the　Sciencers　to　exclood　me
from　their　deliberations。

Let　it　pars。　　I　do　not　repine。　　Let　us　remember　Homer。　　Twenty
cities　claim　Homer　dead；　thro'　which　the　livin　Mr。　Homer　couldn't
have　got　trusted　for　a　sandwich　and　a　glass　of　bitter　beer；　or
words　to　that　effect。

But　perhaps　it　was　a　oversight。　　Certinly　I　have　been　hospitably
rec'd　in　this　country。　　Hospitality　has　been　pored　all　over　me。
At　Liverpool　I　was　asked　to　walk　all　over　the　docks；　which　are
nine　miles　along；　and　I　don't　remember　a　instance　since　my　'rival
in　London　of　my　gettin　into　a　cab　without　a　Briton　comin　and
perlitly　shuttin　the　door　for　me；　and　then　extendin　his　open　hand
to'ards　me；　in　the　most　frenly　manner　possible。　　Does　he　not；　by
this　simple　yit　tuchin　gesture；　welcum　me　to　England？　　Doesn't
he？　　Oh　yesI　guess　he　doesn't　he。　　And　it's　quite　right　among
two　great　countries　which　speak　the　same　langwidge；　except　as
regards　H's。　　And　I've　been　allowed　to　walk　round　all　the
streets。　　Even　at　Buckinham　Pallis；　I　told　a　guard　I　wanted　to
walk　round　there；　and　he　said　I　could　walk　round　there。　　I
ascertained　subsequent　that　he　referd　to　the　sidewalk　instid　of
the　Pallisbut　I　couldn't　doubt　his　hospital　feelins。

I　prepared　a　Essy　on　Animals　to　read　before　the　Social　Science
meetins。　　It　is　a　subjeck　I　may　troothfully　say　I　have
successfully　wrastled　with。　　I　tackled　it　when　only　nineteen
years　old。　　At　that　tender　age　I　writ　a　Essy　for　a　lit'ry
Institoot　entitled；　〃Is　Cats　to　be　Trusted？〃　　Of　the　merits　of
that　Essy　it　doesn't　becum　me　to　speak；　but　I　may　be　excoos'd　for
mentionin　that　the　Institoot　parsed　a　resolution　that　〃whether　we
look　upon　the　length　of　this　Essy；　or　the　manner　in　which　it　is
written；　we　feel　that　we　will　not　express　any　opinion　of　it；　and
we　hope　it　will　be　read　in　other　towns。〃

Of　course　the　Essy　I　writ　for　the　Social　Science　Society　is　a
more　finisheder　production　than　the　one　on　Cats；　which　was　wroten
when　my　mind　was　crood；　and　afore　I　had　masterd　a　graceful　and
ellygant　stile　of　composition。　　I　could　not　even　punctooate　my
sentences　proper　at　that　time；　and　I　observe　with　pane；　on　lookin
over　this　effort　of　my　yooth；　that　its　beauty　is　in　one　or　two
instances　mar'd　by　ingrammaticisms。　　This　was　unexcusable；　and
I'm　surprised　I　did　it。　　A　writer　who　can't　write　in　a　grammerly
manner　better　shut　up　shop。

You　shall　hear　this　Essy　on　Animals。　　Some　day　when　you　have　four
hours　to　spare；　I'll　read　it　to　you。　　I　think　you'll　enjoy　it。
Or；　what　will　be　much　better；　if　I　may　suggestomit　all　picturs
in　next　week's　〃Punch；〃　and　do　not　let　your　contributors　write
enything　whatever　（let　them　have　a　holiday；　they　can　go　to　the
British　Mooseum；）　and　publish　my　Essy　intire。　　It　will　fill　all
your　collumes　full；　and　create　comment。　　Does　this　proposition
strike　you？　　Is　it　a　go？〃

In　case　I　had　read　the　Essy　to　the　Social　Sciencers；　I　had
intended　it　should　be　the　closin　attraction。　　I　had　intended　it
should　finish　the　proceedins。　　I　think　it　would　have　finished
them。　　I　understand　animals　better　than　any　other　class　of　human
creatures。　　I　have　a　very　animal　mind；　and　I've　been　identified
with　'em　doorin　my　entire　professional　career　as　a　showman；　more
especial　bears；　wolves；　leopards　and　serpunts。

The　leopard　is　as　lively　a　animal　as　I　ever　came　into　contack
with。　　It　is　troo　he　cannot　change　his　spots；　but　you　can　change
'em　for　him　with　a　paint…brush；　as　I　once　did　in　the　case　of　a
leopard　who　wasn't　nat'rally　spotted　in　a　attractive　manner。　　In
exhibitin　him　I　used　to　stir　him　up　in　his　cage　with　a　protracted
pole；　and　for　the　purpuss　of　making　him　yell　and　kick　up　in　a
leopardy　manner；　I　used　to　casionally　whack　him　over　the　head。
This　would　make　the　children　inside　the　booth　scream　with　fright；
which　would　make　fathers　of　families　outside　the　booth　very
anxious　to　come　inbecause　there　is　a　large　class　of　parents　who
have　a　uncontrollable　passion　for　takin　their　children　to　places
where　they　will　stand　a　chance　of　being　frightened　to　death。

One　day　I　whacked　this　leopard　more　than　ushil；　which　elissited　a
remonstrance　from　a　tall　gentleman　in　spectacles；　who　said；　〃My
good　man；　do　not　beat　the　poor　caged　animal。　　Rather　fondle　him。〃

〃I'll　fondle　him　with　a　club；〃　I　anserd；　hitting　him　another
whack。

〃I　prythy　desist；〃　said　the　gentleman；　〃stand　aside；　and　see　the
effeck　of　kindness。　　I　understand　the　idiosyncracies　of　these
creeturs　better　than　you　do。〃

With　that　he　went　up　to　the　cage；　and　thrustin　his　face　in
between　the　iron　bars；　he　said；　soothinly；　〃Come　hither；　pretty
creetur。〃

The　pretty　creetur　come…hithered　rayther　speedy；　and　seized　the
gentleman　by　the　whiskers；　which　he　tore　off　about　enuff　to　stuff
a　small　cushion　with。

He　said；　〃You　vagabone；　I'll　have　you　indicted　for　exhibitin
dangerous　and　immoral　animals。〃

I　replied；　〃Gentle　Sir；　there　isn't　a　animal　here　that　hasn't　a
beautiful　moral；　but　you　mustn't　fondle　'em。　　You　mustn't　meddle
with　their　idiotsyncracies。〃

The　gentleman　was　a　dramatic　cricket；　and　he　wrote　a　article　for
a　paper；　in　which　he　said　my　entertainment　was　a　decided　failure。

As　regards　Bears；　you　can　teach　'em　to　do　interesting　things；　but
they're　onreliable。　　I　had　a　very　large　grizzly　bear　once；　who
would　dance；　and　larf；　and　lay　down；　and　bow　his　head　in　grief；
and　give　a　mournful　wale；　etsetry。　　But　he　often　annoyed　me。　　It
will　be　remembered　that　on　the　occasion　of　the　first　battle　of
Bull　Run；　it　suddenly　occurd　to　the　Fed'ral