the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第8章

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will　be　remembered　that　on　the　occasion　of　the　first　battle　of
Bull　Run；　it　suddenly　occurd　to　the　Fed'ral　soldiers　that　they
had　business　in　Washington　which　ought　not　to　be　neglected；　and
they　all　started　for　that　beautiful　and　romantic　city；
maintaining　a　rate　of　speed　durin　the　entire　distance　that　would
have　done　credit　to　the　celebrated　French　steed　〃Gladiateur。〃
Very　nat'rally　our　Gov'ment　was　deeply　grieved　at　this　defeat；
and　I　said　to　my　Bear；　shortly　after；　as　I　was　givin　a　exhibition
in　OhioI　said；　〃Brewin；　are　you　not　sorry　the　National　arms　has
sustained　a　defeat？〃　　His　business　was　to　wale　dismal；　and　bow
his　head　down；　the　band　（a　barrel　organ　and　a　wiolin）　playin　slow
and　melancholly　moosic。　　What　did　the　grizzly　old　cuss　do；
however；　but　commence　darncin　and　larfin　in　the　most　joyous
manner？　　I　had　a　narrer　escape　from　being　imprisoned　for
disloyalty。

I　will　relate　another　incident　in　the　career　of　this　retchid
Bear。　　I　used　to　present　what　I　called　in　the　bills　a　Beautiful
living　Picturshowing　the　Bear's　fondness　for　his　Master：　　in
which　I'd　lay　down　on　a　piece　of　carpeting；　and　the　Bear　would
come　and　lay　down　beside　me；　restin　his　right　paw　on　my　breast；
the　Band　playing　〃Home；　Sweet　Home；〃　very　soft　and　slow。　　Altho'
I　say　it；　it　was　a　tuchin　thing　to　see。　　I've　seen　Tax…Collectors
weep　over　that　performance。

Well；　one　day　I　said；　〃Ladies　and　Gentlemen；　we　will　show　you　the
Bear's　fondness　for　his　master；〃　and　I　went　and　laid　down。　　I
tho't　I　observed　a　pecooliar　expression　into　his　eyes；　as　he
rolled　clumsily　to'ards　me；　but　I　didn't　dream　of　the　scene　which
follered。　　He　laid　down；　and　put　his　paw　on　my　breast。
〃Affection　of　the　Bear　for　his　Master；〃　I　repeated。　　〃You　see　the
Monarch　of　the　Western　Wilds　in　a　subjugated　state。　　Fierce　as
these　animals　naturally　are；　we　now　see　that　they　have　hearts　and
can　love。　　This　Bear；　the　largest　in　the　world；　and　measurin
seventeen　feet　round　the　body；　loves　me　as　a　mer…ther　loves　her
che…ild！〃　　But　what　was　my　horror　when　the　grizzly　and　infamus
Bear　threw　his　other　paw　UNDER　me；　and　riz　with　me　to　his　feet。
Then　claspin　me　in　a　close　embrace　he　waltzed　up　and　down　the
platform　in　a　frightful　manner；　I　yellin　with　fear　and　anguish。
To　make　matters　wuss；　a　low　scurrilus　young　man　in　the　audiens
hollered　out：

〃Playfulness　of　the　Bear！　　Quick　moosic！〃

I　jest　'scaped　with　my　life。　　The　Bear　met　with　a　wiolent　death
the　next　day；　by　bein　in　the　way　when　a　hevily　loaded　gun　was
fired　off　by　one　of　my　men。

But　you　should　hear　my　Essy　which　I　wrote　for　the　Social　Science
Meetins。　　It　would　have　had　a　movin　effeck　on　them。

I　feel　that　I　must　now　conclood。

I　have　read　Earl　Bright's　speech　at　Leeds；　and　I　hope　we　shall
now　hear　from　John　Derby。　　I　trust　that　not　only　they；　but　Wm。　E。
Stanley　and　Lord　Gladstone　will　cling　inflexibly　to　those　great
fundamental　principles；　which　they　understand　far　better　than　I
do；　and　I　will　add　that　I　do　not　understand　anything　about　any　of
them　whatever　in　the　leastand　let　us　all　be　happy；　and　live
within　our　means；　even　if　we　have　to　borrer　money　to　do　it　with。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Very　respectfully　yours；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。8。　　A　VISIT　TO　THE　BRITISH　MUSEUM。

MR。　PUNCH；　My　dear　Sir；You　didn't　get　a　instructiv　article　from
my　pen　last　week　on　account　of　my　nervus　sistim　havin　underwent　a
dreffle　shock。　　I　got　caught　in　a　brief　shine　of　sun；　and　it
utterly　upsot　me。　　I　was　walkin　in　Regent　Street　one　day　last
week；　enjoyin　your　rich　black　fog　and　bracing　rains；　when　all　at
once　the　Sun　bust　out　and　actooally　shone　for　nearly　half　an　hour
steady。　　I　acted　promptly。　　I　called　a　cab　and　told　the　driver　to
run　his　hoss　at　a　friteful　rate　of　speed　to　my　lodgins；　but　it
wasn't　of　no　avale。　　I　had　orful　cramps；　and　my　appytite　left　me；
and　my　pults　went　down　to　10　degrees　below　zero。　　But　by　careful
nussin　I　shall　no　doubt　recover　speedy；　if　the　present　sparklin
and　exileratin　weather　continners。

＇All　of　the　foregoin　is　sarcasum。＇

It's　a　sing'lar　fack；　but　I　never　sot　eyes　on　your　excellent
British　Mooseum　till　the　other　day。　　I've　sent　a　great　many　peple
there；　as　also　to　your　genial　Tower　of　London；　however。　　It
happened　thusly：　　When　one　of　my　excellent　countrymen　jest
arrived　in　London　would　come　and　see　me；　and　display　a
inclination　to　cling　to　me　too　lengthy；　thus　showing　a　respect
for　me　which　I　feel　I　do　not　deserve；　I　would　sugjest　a　visit　to
the　Mooseum　and　Tower。　　The　Mooseum　would　ockepy　him　a　day　at
leest；　and　the　Tower　another。　　Thus　I've　derived　considerable
peace　and　comfort　from　them　noble　edifisses；　and　I　hope　they　will
long　continner　to　grace　your　metroplis。　　There's　my　fren　Col。
Larkins；　from　Wisconsin；　who　I　regret　to　say　understands　the
Jamaica　question；　and　wants　to　talk　with　me　about　it；　I　sent　him
to　the　Tower　four　days　ago；　and　he　hasn't　got　throogh　with　it
yit。　　He　likes　it　very　much；　and　he　writes　me　that　he　can't　never
thank　me　sufficient　for　directin　him　to　so　interestin　a　bildin。
I　writ　him　not　to　mention　it。　　The　Col。　says　it　is　fortnit　we
live　in　a　intellectooal　age　which　wouldn't　countenance　such
infamus　things　as　occurd　in　this　Tower。　　I'm　aware　that　it　is
fashin'ble　to　compliment　this　age；　but　I　ain't　so　clear　that　the
Col。　is　altogether　right。　　This　is　a　very　respectable　age；　but
it's　pretty　easily　riled；　and　considerin　upon　how　slight　a
provycation　we　who　live　in　it　go　to　cuttin　each　other's　throats；
it　may　perhaps　be　doubted　whether　our　intellecks　is　so　much
massiver　than　our　ancestors'　intellecks　was；　after　all。

I　allus　ride　outside　with　the　cabman。　　I　am　of　humble　parentage；
but　I　have　（if　you　will　permit　me　to　say　so）　the　spirit　of　the
eagle；　which　chafes　when　shut　up　in　a　four…wheeler；　and　I　feel
much　eagler　when　I'm　in　the　open　air。　　So　on　the　mornin　on　which
I　went　to　the　Mooseum　I　lit　a　pipe；　and　callin　a　cab；　I　told　the
driver　to　take　me　there　as　quick　as　his　Arabian　charger　could　go。
The　driver　was　under　the　inflooence　of　beer　and　narrerly　escaped
runnin　over　a　aged　female　in　the　match　trade；　whereupon　I
remonstratid　with　him。　　I　said；　〃That　poor　old　woman　may　be　the
only　mother　of　a　young　man　like　you。〃　　Then　throwing　considerable
pathos　into　my　voice；　I　said：

〃That　poor　old　woman　may　be　the　only　mother　of　a　young　man　like
you。　　Then　throwing　considerable　pathos　into　my　voice　I　said；
〃You　have　a　mother？〃

He　said；　〃You　lie！〃　　I　got　down　and　called　another　cab；　but　said
nothin　to　this　driver　about　his　parents。

The　British　Mooseum　is　a　magnificent　free　show　for　the　people。
It　is　kept　open　for　the　benefit　of　all。

The　humble　costymonger；　who　traverses　the　busy　streets　with　a
cart　containin　all　kinds　of　vegetables；　such　as　carrots；　turnips；
etc；　and　drawn　by　a　spirited　jackasshe　can　go　to　the　Mooseum
and　reap　benefits　therefrom　as　well　as　the　lord　of　high　degree。

〃And　this；〃　I　said；　〃is　the　British　Mooseum！　　〃These　noble
walls；〃　I　continnerd；　punching　them　with　my　umbreller　to　see　if
the　masonry　was　all　rightbut　I　wasn't　allowd　to　finish　my
enthoosiastic　remarks；　for　a　man　with　a　gold　band　on　his　hat
said；　in　a　hash　voice；　that　I　must　stop　pokin　the　walls。　　I　told
him　I　would　do　so　by　all　means。　　〃You　see；〃　I　said；　taking　hold
of　the　tassel　which　waved　from　the　man's　belt；　and　drawin　him
close　to　me　in　a　confidential　way；　〃You　see；　I'm　lookin　round
this　Mooseum；　and　if　I　like　it　I　shall　buy　it。〃

Instid　of　larfin　hartily　at　these　remarks；　which　was　made　in　a
goakin　spirit；　the　man　frowned　darkly　and　walked　away。

I　first　visited　the　stuffed　animals；　of　which　the　gorillers
interested　me　most。　　These　simple…minded　monsters　live　in　Afriky；
and　are　believed　to　be　human　beins　to　a　slight　extent；　altho'
they　are　not　allowed　to　vote。　　In　this　department　is　one　or　two
superior　giraffes。　　I　never　woulded　I　were　a　bird；　but　I've
sometimes　wished　I　was　a　giraffe；　on　account　of　the　long　distance
from　his　mouth　to　his　stummuck。　　Hence；　if　he　loved　beer；　one
mugful　would　give　him　as　much　enjoyment　while　goin　down；　as　forty
mugfuls　would　ordinary　persons。　　And　he　wouldn't　get　intoxicated；
which　is　a　beast