the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第10章
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CHRIS。 sot his foot onto these 'ere shores。 It would have
been better for us of the present day if the injins had given
him a warm meal and sent him home ore the ragin' billers。 For
the savages owned the country； and COLUMBUS was a fillibuster。
CORTEZ； PIZARRO； and WALKER were one…horse fillibusters
COLUMBUS was a four…horse team fillibuster； and a large yaller
dog under the waggin。 I say； in view of the mess we are
makin' of things； it would have been better for us if cOLUMBUS
had staid to home。 It would have been better for the show
bisniss。 The circulation of 〃Vanity Fair〃 would be larger；
and the proprietors would all have boozum pins！ Yes； sir； and
perhaps a ten…pin alley。
By which I don't wish to be understood as intimatin' that the
scalpin' wretches who are in the injin bisness at the present
day are of any account； or calculated to make home happy；
specially the Sioxes of Minnesoty； who desarve to be murdered
in the first degree； and if POPE will only stay in St。 Paul
and not go near 'em HIMSELF； I reckon they will be。
2。12。 ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND。
Richmond； Va。May； 18 & 65。
OLONZO WARD。
Afore I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol I
desire to cimply say that I hav seen a low and skurrilus noat
in the paper from a certin purson who singes hisself Olonzo
Ward； & sez he is my berruther。 I did ONCE hav a berruther of
that name； but I do not recugnize him now。 To me he is wuss
than ded！ I took him from collige sum 16 years ago and gave
him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my Show。 How did
he repay me for this kindness？ He basely undertook （one day
while in a Backynalian mood on rum & right in sight of the
aujience in the tent） to stand upon his hed； whareby he
betray'd his sex on account of his boots & his Beard fallin'
off his face； thus rooinin' my prospecks in that town； &
likewise incurrin' the seris displeasure of the Press； which
sed boldly I was triflin with the feelin's of a intelligent
public。 I know no such man as Olonzo Ward。 I do not even
wish his name breathed in my presents。 I do not recognize
him。 I perfectly disgust him。
RICHMOND。
The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb。 I cum
here a few days arter the city catterpillertulated。
My naburs seemed surprised & astonisht at this darin' bravery
onto the part of a man at my time of life； but our family was
never know'd to quale in danger's stormy hour。
My father was a sutler in the Revolootion War。 My father once
had a intervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette。
He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars； promisin' to pay
him in the Fall； but Lafy said 〃he couldn't see it in those
lamps。〃 Lafy was French； and his knowledge of our langwidge
was a little shaky。
Immejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to the Spotswood
House； and callin' to my assistans a young man from our town
who writes a good runnin' hand； I put my ortograph on the
Register； and handin' my umbrella to a baldheded man behind
the counter； who I s'posed was Mr。 Spotswood； I said； 〃Spotsy；
how does she run？〃
He called a cullud purson； and said；
〃Show the gen'lman to the cowyard； and giv' him cart number
1。〃
〃Isn't Grant here？〃 I said。 〃Perhaps Ulyssis wouldn't mind my
turnin' in with him。〃
〃Do you know the Gin'ral？〃 inquired Mr。 Spotswood。
〃Wall； no； not 'zacky； but he'll remember me。 His
brother…in…law's Aunt bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi
all one winter。 My uncle Levi's rye meal was〃
〃Pooh！ pooh！〃 said Spotsy； 〃don't bother me；〃 and he shuv'd
my umbrella onto the floor。 Obsravin' to him not to be so
keerless with that wepin； I accompanid the African to my
lodgins。
〃My brother；〃 I sed； 〃air you aware that you've bin
mancipated？ Do you realize how glorus it is to be free？ Tell
me； my dear brother； does it not seem like some dreams； or do
you realize the great fact in all its livin' and holy
magnitood？〃
He sed he would take some gin。
I was show'd to the cowyard and laid down under a one…mule
cart。 The hotel was orful crowded； and I was sorry I hadn't
gone to the Libby Prison。 Tho' I should hav' slept comf'ble
enuff if the bed…clothes hadn't bin pulled off me durin' the
night； by a scoundrul who cum and hitched a mule to the cart
and druv it off。 I thus lost my cuverin'； and my throat feels
a little husky this mornin'。
Gin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the city； givin
me my choice of hospitals。
He has also very kindly placed at my disposal a smallpox
amboolance。
UNION SENTIMENT。
There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment in this city。 I
see it on ev'ry hand。
I met a man to…dayI am not at liberty to tell his name； but
he is a old and inflooentooial citizen of Richmond； and sez
he； 〃Why！ We've bin fightin' agin the Old Flag！ Lor' bless
me； how sing'lar！〃 He then borrer'd five dollars of me and
bust into a flood of teers。
Sed another （a man of standin' and formerly a bitter rebuel）；
〃Let us at once stop this effooshun of Blud！ The Old Flag is
good enuff for me。 Sir；〃 he added； 〃you air from the North！
Have you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about you？〃
I told him no； but I knew a man from Vermont who had just
organized a sort of restaurant； where he could go and make a
very comfortable breakfast on New England rum and cheese。 He
borrowed fifty cents of me； and askin' me to send him Wm。
Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon as I got home； he walked
off。
Said another； 〃There's bin a tremendous Union feelin here from
the fust。 But we was kept down by a rain of terror。 Have you
a dagerretype of Wendell Phillips about your person？ and will
you lend me four dollars for a few days till we air once more
a happy and united people。〃
JEFF。 DAVIS。
Jeff。 Davis is not pop'lar here。 She is regarded as a
Southern sympathizer。 & yit I'm told he was kind to his
Parents。 She ran away from 'em many years ago； and has never
bin back。 This was showin' 'em a good deal of consideration
when we refleck what his conduck has been。 Her captur in
female apparel confooses me in regard to his sex； & you see I
speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise； & I guess he
feels so hisself。
R。 LEE。
Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller。
He was opposed to the war at the fust； and draw'd his sword
very reluctant。 In fact； he wouldn't hav' drawd his sword at
all； only he had a large stock of military clothes on hand；
which he didn't want to waste。 He sez the colored man is
right； and he will at once go to New York and open a Sabbath
School for negro minstrels。
THE CONFEDERATE ARMY。
The surrender of R。 Lee； J。 Johnston and others leaves the
Confedrit Army in a ruther shattered state。 That army now
consists of Kirby Smith； four mules and a Bass drum； and is
movin' rapidly to'rds Texis。
A PROUD AND HAWTY SUTHENER。
Feelin' a little peckish； I went into a eatin' house to…day
and encountered a young man with long black hair and slender
frame。 He didn't wear much clothes； and them as he did wear
looked onhealthy。 He frowned on me； and sed； kinder scornful；
〃So； Siryou come here to taunt us in our hour of trouble； do
you？〃
〃No；〃 said I； 〃I cum here for hash！〃
〃Pish…haw！〃 he sed sneerinly； 〃I mean you air in this city for
the purposes of gloating over a fallen people。 Others may
basely succumb； but as for me； I will never yieldNEVER；
NEVER！〃
〃Hav' suthin' to eat！〃 I pleasantly suggested。
〃Tripe and onions！〃 he sed furcely； then he added； 〃I eat with
you； but I hate you。 You're a low…lived Yankee！〃
To which I pleasantly replied； 〃How'l you have your tripe？〃
〃Fried； mudsill！ with plenty of ham…fat！〃
He et very ravenus。 Poor feller！ He had lived on odds and
ends for several days； eatin' crackers that had bin turned
over by revelers in the bread tray at the bar。
He got full at last； and his hart softened a little to'ards
me。 〃After all；〃 he sed； 〃you have sum people at the North
who air not wholly loathsum beasts？〃
〃Well； yes；〃 I sed；
