the professor(教授)-第56章
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… Page 207…
The Professor 207
“If I had a home in England； I believe it would recall it；” I
answered； and； in truth； there was a sort of illusion in seeing the
fair…complexioned English…looking girl presiding at the English
meal； and speaking in the English language。
“You have then no home？” was her remark。
“None； nor ever have had。 If ever I possess a home； it must be
of my own making； and the task is yet to begin。” And； as I spoke； a
pang； new to me； shot across my heart： it was a pang of
mortification at the humility of my position； and the inadequacy of
my means； while with that pang was born a strong desire to do
more； earn more； be more； possess more； and in the increased
possessions； my roused and eager spirit panted to include the
home I had never had； the wife I inwardly vowed to win。
Frances’ tea was little better than hot water； sugar； and milk；
and her pistolets； with which she could not offer me butter； were
sweet to my palate as manna。
The repast over； and the treasured plate and porcelain being
washed and put by； the bright table rubbed still brighter； “le chat
de ma tante Julienne” also being fed with provisions brought forth
on a plate for its special use； a few stray cinders； and a scattering
of ashes too； being swept from the hearth； Frances at last sat
down； and then； as she took a chair opposite to me； she betrayed；
for the first time； a little embarrassment； and no wonder； for
indeed I had unconsciously watched her rather too closely；
followed all her steps and all her movements a little too
perseveringly with my eyes； for she mesmerized me by the grace
and alertness of her action—by the deft； cleanly； and even
decorative effect resulting from each touch of her slight and fine
fingers； and when； at last； she subsided to stillness； the intelligence
Charlotte Bronte ElecBook Classics
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The Professor 208
of her face seemed beauty to me； and I dwelt on it accordingly。
Her colour； however； rising； rather than settling with repose； and
her eyes remaining downcast； though I kept waiting for the lids to
be raised that I might drink a ray of the light I loved—a light
where fire dissolved in softness； where affection tempered
penetration； where； just now at least； pleasure played with
thought—this expectation not being gratified； I began at last to
suspect that I had probably myself to blame for the
disappointment； I must cease gazing； and begin talking； if I wished
to break the spell under which she now sat motionless； so
recollecting the composing effect which an authoritative tone and
manner had ever been wont to produce on her； I said—
“Get one of your English books； mademoiselle； for the rain yet
falls heavily； and will probably detain me half an hour longer。
Released； and set at ease； up she rose； got her book； and
accepted at once the chair I placed for her at my side。 She had
selected “Paradise Lost” from her shelf of classics； thinking； I
suppose； the religious character of the book best adapted it to
Sunday； I told her to begin at the beginning； and while she read
Milton’s invocation to that heavenly muse； who on the “secret top
of Oreb or Sinai” had taught the Hebrew shepherd how in the
womb of chaos； the conception of a world had originated and
ripened； I enjoyed； undisturbed； the treble pleasure of having her
near me； hearing the sound of her voice—a sound sweet and
satisfying in my ear—and looking； by intervals； at her face： of this
last privilege； I chiefly availed myself when I found fault with an
intonation； a pause； or an emphasis； as long as I dogmatized； I
might also gaze； without exciting too warm a flush。
“Enough；” said I； when she had gone through some half dozen
Charlotte Bronte ElecBook Classics
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The Professor 209
pages （a work of time with her； for she read slowly and paused
often to ask and receive information）—“enough； and now the rain
is ceasing； and I must soon go。” For indeed； at that moment；
looking towards the window； I saw it all blue； the thunder…clouds
were broken and scattered； and the setting August sun sent a
gleam like the reflection of rubies through the lattice。 I got up； I
drew on my gloves。
“You have not yet found another situation to supply the place of
that from which you were dismissed by Mdlle Reuter？”
“No； monsieur； I have made inquiries everywhere； but they all
ask me for references； and to speak truth； I do not like to apply to
the directress； because I consider she acted neither justly nor
honourably towards me； she used underhand means to set my
pupils against me； and thereby render me unhappy while I held
my place in her establishment； and she eventually deprived me of
it by a masked and hypocritical manoeuvre； pretending that she
was acting for my good； but really snatching from me my chief
means of subsistence； at a crisis when not only my own life； but
that of another； depended on my exertions： of her I will never
more ask a favour。”
“How； then； do you propose to get on？ How do you live now？”
“I have still my lace…mending trade； with care it will keep me
from starvation； and I doubt not by dint of exertion to get better
employment yet； it is only a fortnight since I began to try； my
courage or hopes are by no means worn out yet。”
“And if you get what you wish； what then？ what are？ your
ultimate views？”
“To save enough to cross the Channel： I always look to England
as my Canaan。”
Charlotte Bronte ElecBook Classics
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The Professor 210
“Well； well—ere long I shall pay you another visit； good evening
now；” and I left her rather abruptly； I had much ado to resist a
strong inward impulse； urging me to take a warmer； more
expressive leave： what so natural as to fold her for a moment in a
close embrace； to imprint one kiss on her cheek or forehead？ I was
not unreasonable—that was all I wanted； satisfied in that point； I
could go away content； and Reason denied me even this； she
ordered me to turn my eyes from her face； and my steps from her
apartment—to quit her as dryly and coldly as I would have quitted
old Madame Pelet。 I obeyed； but I swore rancorously to be
avenged one day。 “I’ll earn a right to do as I please in this ma
