a far country-第101章
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I can't define that divorce isn't for us。 I'm not talking about right
and wrong in the ordinary senseit's just what I feel。 I've ceased to
think。〃
〃Nancy！〃 I reproached her。
〃I can't help itI don't want to be morbid。 Do you remember my asking
you about God？the first day this began？ and whether you had a god？
Well； that's the trouble with us all to…day； we haven't any God； we're
wanderers； drifters。 And now it's just life that's got hold of us； my
dear； and swept us away together。 That's our justificationif we needed
oneit's been too strong for us。〃 She leaned back against the tree and
closed her eyes。 〃We're like chips in the torrent of it； Hugh。〃。。。。
It was not until the shadow of the forest had crept far across the lake
and the darkening waters were still that we rose reluctantly to put the
dishes in the tea basket and start on our homeward journey。 The tawny
fires of the sunset were dying down behind us； the mist stealing；
ghostlike； into the valleys below； in the sky a little moon curled like a
freshly cut silver shaving； that presently turned to gold； the white star
above it to fire。
Where the valleys widened we came to silent； decorous little towns and
villages where yellow…lit windows gleaming through the trees suggested
refuge and peace； while we were wanderers in the night。 It was Nancy's
mood； and now； in the evening's chill； it recurred to me poignantly。 In
one of these villages we passed a church； its doors flung open； the
congregation was singing a familiar hymn。 I slowed down the car； I felt
her shoulder pressing against my own； and reached out my hand and found
hers。
〃Are you warm enough？〃 I asked。。。。
We spoke but little on that drive； we had learned the futility of words
to express the greater joys and sorrows； the love that is compounded of
these。
It was late when we turned in between the white dates and made our way up
the little driveway to the farmhouse。 I bade her good night on the steps
of the porch。
〃You do love me； don't you？〃 she whispered； clinging to me with a sudden；
straining passion。 〃You will love me； always no matter what happens？〃
〃Why； of course； Nancy；〃 I answered。
〃I want to hear you say it； 'I love you； I shall love you always。'〃
I repeated it fervently。。。。
〃No matter what happens？〃
〃No matter what happens。 As if I could help it； Nancy！ Why are you so
sad to…night？〃
〃Ah； Hugh； it makes me sadI can't tell why。 It is so great； it is so
terrible； and yet it's so sweet and beautiful。〃
She took my face in her hands and pressed a kiss against my forehead。。。。
The next day was dark。 At two o'clock in the afternoon the electric
light was still burning over my desk when the telephone rang and I heard
Nancy's voice。
〃Is that you； Hugh？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃I have to go East this afternoon。〃
〃Why？〃 I asked。 Her agitation had communicated itself to me。 〃I thought
you weren't going until Thursday。 What's the matter？〃
〃I've just had a telegram；〃 she said。 〃Ham's been hurtI don't know how
badlyhe was thrown from a polo pony this morning at Narragansett； in
practice； and they're taking him to Boston to a private hospital。 The
telegram's from Johnny Shephard。 I'll be at the house in town at four。〃
Filled with forebodings I tried in vain to suppress I dropped the work I
was doing and got up and paced the room； pausing now and again to gaze
out of the window at the wet roofs and the grey skies。 I was aghast at
the idea of her going to Ham now even though he were hurt badly hurt； and
yet I tried to think it was natural； that it was fine of her to respond
to such a call。 And she couldn't very well refuse his summons。 But it
was not the news of her husband's accident that inspired the greater
fear； which was quelled and soothed only to rise again when I recalled
the note I had heard in her voice； a note eloquent of tragedyof tragedy
she had foreseen。 At length； unable to remain where I was any longer； I
descended to the street and walked uptown in the rain。 The Durrett house
was closed； the blinds of its many windows drawn； but Nancy was watching
for me and opened the door。 So used had I grown to seeing her in the
simple linen dresses she had worn in the country； a costume associated
with exclusive possession； that the sight of her travelling suit and hat
renewed in me an agony of apprehension。 The unforeseen event seemed to
have transformed her once more。 Her veil was drawn up； her face was
pale； in her eyes were traces of tears。
〃You're going？〃 I asked； as I took her hands。
〃Hugh； I have to go。〃
She led me through the dark； shrouded drawing room into the little salon
where the windows were open on the silent city…garden。 I took her in my
arms； she did not resist； as I half expected； but clung to me with what
seemed desperation。
〃I have to go； dearyou won't make it too hard for me！ It's only
ordinary decency； and there's no one else to go to him。〃
She drew me to the sofa； her eyes beseeching me。
〃Listen； dear； I want you to see it as I see it。 I know that you will；
that you do。 I should never be able to forgive myself if I stayed away
now； Ineither of us could ever be happy about it。 You do see； don't
you？〃 she implored。
〃Yes；〃 I admitted agitatedly。
Her grasp on my hand tightened。
〃I knew you would。 But it makes me happier to hear you say it。〃
We sat for a moment in helpless silence； gazing at one another。 Slowly
her eyes had filled。
〃Have you heard anything more？〃 I managed to ask。
She drew a telegram from her bag； as though the movement were a relief。
〃This is from the doctor in Bostonhis name is Magruder。 They have got
Ham there； it seems。 A horse kicked him in the head； after he fell；he
had just recovered consciousness。〃
I took the telegram。 The wordy seemed meaningless； all save those of the
last sentence。 〃The situation is serious； but by no means hopeless。〃
Nancy had not spoken of that。 The ignorant cruelty of its convention！
The man must have known what Hambleton Durrett was！ Nancy read my
thoughts； and took the paper from my hand。
〃Hugh； dear； if it's hard for you； try to understand that it's terrible
for me to think that he has any claim at all。 I realize now； as I never
did before； how wicked it was in me to marry him。 I hate him； I can't
bear the thought of going near him。〃
She fell into wild weeping。 I tried to comfort her； who could not
comfort myself； I don't remember my inadequate words。 We were
overwhelmed； obliterated by the sense of calamity。。。。 It was she who
checked herself at last by an effort that was almost hysterical。
〃I mustn't yield to it！〃 she said。 〃It's time to leave and the train
goes at six。 No； you mustn't come to the station； HughI don't think I
could stand it。 I'll send you a telegram。〃 She rose。 〃You must go now
you must。〃
〃You'll come back to me？〃 I demanded thickly； as I held her。
〃Hugh； I am yours； now and always。 How can you doubt it？〃
At last I released her； when she had begged me again。 And I found myself
a little later walking past the familiar； empty houses of those
streets。。。。
The front pages of the evening newspapers announced the accident to
Hambleton Durrett； and added that Mrs。 Durrett； who had been lingering in
the city； had gone to her husband's bedside。 The morning papers
contained more of biography and ancestry； but had little to add to the
bulletin； and there was no lack of speculation at the Club and elsewhere
as to Ham's ability to rally from such a shock。 I could not bear to
listen to these comments： they were violently distasteful to me。 The
unforeseen accident and Nancy's sudden departure had thrown my life
completely out of gear： I could not attend to business； I dared not go
away lest the news from Nancy be delayed。 I spent the hours in an
exhausting mental state that alternated between hope and fear； a state of
unmitigated； intense desire； of balked realization； sometimes heightening
into that sheer terror I had felt when I had detected over the telephone
that note in her voice that seemed of despair。 Had she had a
presentiment； all along； that something would occur to separate us？ As I
went b
