a far country-第102章

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presentiment；　all　along；　that　something　would　occur　to　separate　us？　　As　I
went　back　over　the　hours　we　had　passed　together　since　she　had
acknowledged　her　love；　in　spite　of　myself　the　conviction　grew　on　me　that
she　had　never　believed　in　the　reality　of　our　future。　　Indeed；　she　had
expressed　her　disbelief　in　words。　　Had　she　been　looking　all　along　for　a
signa　sign　of　wrath？　　And　would　she　accept　this　accident　of　Ham's　as
such？

Retrospection　left　me　trembling　and　almost　sick。

It　was　not　until　the　second　morning　after　her　departure　that　I　received　a
telegram　giving　the　name　of　her　Boston　hotel；　and　saying　that　there　was
to　be　a　consultation　that　day；　and　as　soon　as　it　had　taken　place　she
would　write。　　Such　consolation　as　I　could　gather　from　it　was　derived　from
four　words　at　the　end；she　missed　me　dreadfully。　　Some　tremor　of　pity
for　her　entered　into　my　consciousness；　without　mitigating　greatly　the
wildness　of　my　resentment；　of　my　forebodings。

I　could　bear　no　longer　the　city；　the　Club；　the　office；　the　daily　contact
with　my　associates　and　clients。　　Six　hours　distant；　near　Rossiter；　was　a
small　resort　in　the　mountains　of　which　I　had　heard。　　I　telegraphed　Nancy
to　address　me　there；　notified　the　office；　packed　my　bag；　and　waited
impatiently　for　midday；　when　I　boarded　the　train。　　At　seven　I　reached　a
little　station　where　a　stage　was　waiting　to　take　me　to　Callender's　Mill。

It　was　not　until　morning　that　I　beheld　my　retreat；　when　little　wisps　of
vapour　were　straying　over　the　surface　of　the　lake；　and　the　steep　green
slopes　that　rose　out　of　the　water　on　the　western　side　were　still　in
shadow。　　The　hotel；　a　much　overgrown　and　altered　farm…house；　stood；
surrounded　by　great　trees；　in　an　ancient　clearing　that　sloped　gently　to
the　water's　edge；　where　an　old…fashioned；　octagonal　summerhouse
overlooked　a　landing　for　rowboats。　　The　resort；　indeed；　was　a　survival　of
simpler　times。。。。

In　spite　of　the　thirty…odd　guests；　people　of　very　moderate　incomes　who
knew　the　place　and　had　come　here　year　after　year；　I　was　as　much　alone　as
if　I　had　been　the　only　sojourner。　　The　place　was　so　remote；　so　peaceful
in　contrast　to　the　city　I　had　left；　which　had　become　intolerable。　　And　at
night；　during　hours　of　wakefulness；　the　music　of　the　waters　falling　over
the　dam　was　soothing。　　I　used　to　walk　down　there　and　sit　on　the　stones　of
the　ruined　mill；　or　climb　to　the　crests　on　the　far　side　of　the　pond　to
gaze　for　hours　westward　where　the　green　billows　of　the　Alleghenies　lost
themselves　in　the　haze。　　I　had　discovered　a　new　country；　here；　when　our
trials　should　be　over；　I　would　bring　Nancy；　and　I　found　distraction　in
choosing　sites　for　a　bungalow。　　In　my　soul　hope　flowered　with　little
watering。　　Uncertain　news　was　good　news。　　After　two　days　of　an　impatience
all　but　intolerable；　her　first　letter　arrived；　I　learned　that　the
specialists　had　not　been　able　to　make　a　diagnosis；　and　I　began　to　take
heart　again。　　At　times；　she　said；　Ham　was　delirious　and　difficult　to
manage；　at　other　times　he　sank　into　a　condition　of　coma；　and　again　he
seemed　to　know　her　and　Ralph；　who　had　come　up　from　Southampton；　where　he
had　been　spending　the　summer。　　One　doctor　thought　that　Ham's　remarkable
vitality　would　pull　him　through；　in　spite　of　what　his　life　had　been。　　The
shockas　might　have　been　surmisedhad　affected　the　brain。。。。　　The
letters　that　followed　contained　no　additional　news；　she　did　not　dwell　on
the　depressing　reactions　inevitable　from　the　situation　in　which　she　found
herselfone　so　much　worse　than　mine；　she　expressed　a　continual　longing
for　me；　and　yet　I　had　trouble　to　convince　myself　that　they　did　not　lack
the　note　of　reassurance　for　which　I　strained　as　I　eagerly　scanned　them
of　reassurance　that　she　had　no　intention　of　permitting　her　husband's
condition　to　interfere　with　that　ultimate　happiness　on　which　it　seemed　my
existence　depended。　　I　tried　to　account　for　the　absence　of　this　note　by
reflecting　that　the　letters　were　of　necessity　brief；　hurriedly　scratched
off　at　odd　moments；　and　a　natural　delicacy　would　prevent　her　from
referring　to　our　future　at　such　a　time。　　They　recorded　no　change　in　Ham's
condition　save　that　the　periods　of　coma　had　ceased。　　The　doctors　were
silent；　awaiting　the　arrival　in　this　country　of　a　certain　New　York
specialist　who　was　abroad。　　She　spent　most　of　her　days　at　the　hospital；
returning　to　the　hotel　at　night　exhausted：　the　people　she　knew　in　the
various　resorts　around　Boston　had　been　most　kind；　sending　her　flowers；
and　calling　when　in　town　to　inquire。　　At　length　came　the　news　that　the
New　York　doctor　was　home　again；　and　coming　to　Boston。　　In　that　letter　was
a　sentence　which　rang　like　a　cry　in　my　ears：　〃Oh；　Hugh；　I　think　these
doctors　know　now　what　the　trouble　is；　I　think　I　know。　　They　are　only
waiting　for　Dr。　Jameson　to　confirm　it。〃

It　was　always　an　effort　for　me　to　control　my　impatience　after　the　first
rattling　was　heard　in　the　morning　of　the　stage　that　brought　the　mail；　and
I　avoided　the　waiting　group　in　front　of　the　honeycombed　partition　of
boxes　beside　the　〃office。〃　　On　the　particular　morning　of　which　I　am　now
writing　the　proprietor　himself　handed　me　a　letter　of　ominous　thickness
which　I　took　with　me　down　to　the　borders　of　the　lake　before　tearing　open
the　flap。　　In　spite　of　the　calmness　and　restraint　of　the　first　lines；
because　of　them；　I　felt　creeping　over　me　an　unnerving　sensation　I　knew
for　dread。。。。

〃Hugh；　the　New　York　doctor　has　been　here。　　It　is　as　I　have　feared　for
some　weeks；　but　I　couldn't　tell　you　until　I　was　sure。　　Ham　is　not　exactly
insane；　but　he　is　childish。　　Sometimes　I　think　that　is　even　worse。　　I
have　had　a　talk　with　Dr。　Jameson；　who　has　simply　confirmed　the　opinion
which　the　other　physicians　have　gradually　been　forming。　　The　accident　has
precipitated　a　kind　of　mental　degeneration；　but　his　health；　otherwise；
will　not　be　greatly　affected。

〃Jameson　was　kind；　but　very　frank；　for　which　I　was　grateful。　　He　did　not
hesitate　to　say　that　it　would　have　been　better　if　the　accident　had　been
fatal。　　Ham　won't　be　helpless；　physically。　　Of　course　he　won't　be　able　to
play　polo；　or　take　much　active　exercise。　　If　he　were　to　be　helpless；　I
could　feel　that　I　might　be　of　some　use；　at　least　of　more　use。　　He　knows
his　friends。　　Some　of　them　have　been　here　to　see　him；　and　he　talks　quite
rationally　with　them；　with　Ralph；　with　me；　only　once　in　a　while　he　says
something　silly。　　It　seems　odd　to　write　that　he　is　not　responsible；　since
he　never　has　been；his　condition　is　so　queer　that　I　am　at　a　loss　to
describe　it。　　The　other　morning；　before　I　arrived　from　the　hotel　and　when
the　nurse　was　downstairs；　he　left　the　hospital；　and　we　found　him　several
blocks　along　Commonwealth　Avenue；　seated　on　a　bench；　without　a　hathe
was　annoyed　that　he　had　forgotten　it；　and　quite　sensible　otherwise。　　We
began　by　taking　him　out　every　morning　in　an　automobile。　　To…day　he　had　a
walk　with　Ralph；　and　insisted　on　going　into　a　club　here；　to　which　they
both　belong。　　Two　or　three　men　were　there　whom　they　knew；　and　he　talked
to　them　about　his　fall　from　the　pony　and　told　them　just　how　it　happened。

At　such　times　only　a　close　observer　can　tell　from　his　manner　that
everything　is　not　right。

〃Ralph；　who　always　could　manage　him；　prevented　his　taking　anything　to
drink。　　He　depends　upon　Ralph；　and　it　will　be　harder　for　me　when　he　is
not　with　us。　　His　attitude　towards　me　is　just　about　what　it　has　always
been。　　I　try　to　amuse　him　by　reading　the　newspapers　and　with　games；　we
have　a　chess…board。　　At　times　he　seems　grateful；　and　then　he　will
suddenly　grow　tired　and　hard　to　control。　　Once　or　twice　I　have　had　to
call　in　Dr。　Magruder；　who　owns　the　hospital。

〃It　has　been　terribly　hard　for　me　to　write　all　this；　but　I　had　to　do　it；
in　order　that　you　might　understand　the　situation　completely。　　Hugh　dear；
I　simply　can't　leave　him。　　This　has　been　becoming　clearer　and　clearer　to
me　all　these　weeks；　but　it　breaks　my　heart　to　have　to　write　it。　　I　have
struggled　against　it；　I　have　lain　awake　nights　trying　to　find
justification　for　going　to　you；　but　it　is　stronger　than　I。　　I　am　afraid
of　itI　suppose　that's　the　truth。　　Even　in　those　unforgettable　days　at
the　farm　I　was　afraid　of　it；　although　I　did　not　know　wh