a far country-第94章

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once　in　a　while；　during　the　day；　when　the　tension　relaxed；　the
recollection　of　what　had　happened　flowed　back　into　my　consciousness。
Maude　was　going！

I　had　telephoned　Nancy；　making　an　appointment　for　the　afternoon。
Sometimesnot　too　frequentlywe　were　in　the　habit　of　going　out　into　the
country　in　one　of　her　motors；　a　sort　of　landaulet；　I　believe；　in　which　we
were　separated　from　the　chauffeur　by　a　glass　screen。　　She　was　waiting　for
me　when　I　arrived；　at　four；　and　as　soon　as　we　had　shot　clear　of　the　city；
〃Maude　is　going　away；〃　I　told　her。

〃Going　away？〃　she　repeated；　struck　more　by　the　tone　of　my　voice　than　by
what　I　had　said。

〃She　announced　last　night　that　she　was　going　abroad　indefinitely。〃

I　had　been　more　than　anxious　to　see　how　Nancy　would　take　the　news。　　A
flush　gradually　deepened　in　her　cheeks。

〃You　mean　that　she　is　going　to　leave　you？〃

〃It　looks　that　way。　　In　fact；　she　as　much　as　said　so。〃

〃Why？〃　said　Nancy。

〃Well；　she　explained　it　pretty　thoroughly。　　Apparently；　it　isn't　a　sudden
decision；〃　I　replied；　trying　to　choose　my　words；　to　speak　composedly　as　I
repeated　the　gist　of　our　conversation。　　Nancy；　with　her　face　averted；
listened　in　silencea　silence　that　continued　some　time　after　I　had
ceased　to　speak。

〃She　didn'tshe　didn't　mention？〃　the　sentence　remained　unfinished。

〃No；〃　I　said　quickly；　〃she　didn't。　　She　must　know；　of　course；　but　I'm
sure　that　didn't　enter　into　it。〃

Nancy's　eyes　as　they　returned　to　me　were　wet；　and　in　them　was　an
expression　I　had　never　seen　before；of　pain；　reproach；　of　questioning。
It　frightened　me。

〃Oh；　Hugh；　how　little　you　know！〃　she　cried。

〃What　do　you　mean？〃　I　demanded。

〃That　is　what　has　brought　her　to　this　decisionyou　and　I。〃

〃You　mean　thatthat　Maude　loves　me？　　That　she　is　jealous？〃　　I　don't　know
how　I　managed　to　say　it。

〃No　woman　likes　to　think　that　she　is　a　failure；〃　murmured　Nancy。

〃Well；　but　she　isn't　really；〃　I　insisted。　　〃She　could　have　made　another
man　happya　better　man。　　It　was　all　one　of　those　terrible　mistakes　our
modern　life　seems　to　emphasize　so。〃

〃She　is　a　woman；〃　Nancy　said；　with　what　seemed　a　touch　of　vehemence。
〃It's　useless　to　expect　you　to　understand。。。。　　Do　you　remember　what　I
said　to　you　about　her？　　How　I　appealed　to　you　when　you　married　to　try　to
appreciate　her？〃

〃It　wasn't　that　I　didn't　appreciate　her；〃　I　interrupted；　surprised　that
Nancy　should　have　recalled　this；　〃she　isn't　the　woman　for　me；　we　aren't
made　for　each　other。　　It　was　my　mistake；　my　fault；　I　admit；　but　I　don't
agree　with　you　at　all；　that　we　had　anything　to　do　with　her　decision。　　It
is　just　thethe　culmination　of　a　long　period　of　incompatibility。　　She
has　come　to　realize　that　she　has　only　one　life　to　live；　and　she　seems
happier；　more　composed；　more　herself　than　she　has　ever　been　since　our
marriage。　　Of　course　I　don't　mean　to　say　it　isn't　painful　for　her。。。。
But　I　am　sure　she　isn't　well；　that　it　isn't　because　of　our　seeing　one
another；〃　I　concluded　haltingly。

〃She　is　finer　than　either　of　us；　Hugh；far　finer。〃

I　did　not　relish　this　statement。

〃She's　fine；　I　admit。　　But　I　can't　see　how　under　the　circumstances　any　of
us　could　have　acted　differently。〃　　And　Nancy　not　replying；　I　continued：
〃She　has　made　up　her　mind　to　go；I　suppose　I　could　prevent　it　by　taking
extreme　measures；but　what　good　would　it　do？　　Isn't　it；　after　all；　the
most　sensible；　the　only　way　out　of　a　situation　that　has　become
impossible？　　Times　have　changed；　Nancy；　and　you　yourself　have　been　the
first　to　admit　it。　　Marriage　is　no　longer　what　it　was；　and　people　are
coming　to　look　upon　it　more　sensibly。　　In　order　to　perpetuate　the
institution；　as　it　was；　segregation；　insulation；　was　the　only　course。
Men　segregated　their　wives；　women　their　husbands；the　only　logical
method　of　procedure；　but　it　limited　the　individual。　　Our　mothers　and
fathers　thought　it　scandalous　if　husband　or　wife　paid　visits　alone。　　It
wasn't　done。　　But　our　modern　life　has　changed　all　that。　　A　marriage；　to
be　a　marriage；　should　be　proof　against　disturbing　influences；　should
leave　the　individuals　free；　the　binding　element　should　be　love；　not　the
force　of　an　imposed　authority。　　You　seemed　to　agree　to　all　this。〃

〃Yes；　I　know；〃　she　admitted。　　〃But　I　cannot　think　that　happiness　will
ever　grow　out　of　unhappiness。〃

〃But　Maude　will　not　be　unhappy；〃　I　insisted。　　〃She　will　be　happier；　far
happier；　now　that　she　has　taken　the　step。〃

〃Oh；　I　wish　I　thought　so；〃　Nancy　exclaimed。　　〃Hugh；　you　always　believe
what　you　want　to　believe。　　And　the　children。　　How　can　you　bear　to　part
with　them？〃

I　was　torn；　I　had　a　miserable　sense　of　inadequacy。

〃I　shall　miss　them；〃　I　said。　　〃I　have　never　really　appreciated　them。　　I
admit　I　don't　deserve　to　have　them；　and　I　am　willing　to　give　them　up　for
you；　for　Maude。。。〃

We　had　made　one　of　our　favourite　drives　among　the　hills　on　the　far　side
of　the　Ashuela；　and　at　six　were　back　at　Nancy's　house。　　I　did　not　go　in；
but　walked　slowly　homeward　up　Grant　Avenue。　　It　had　been　a　trying
afternoon。　　I　had　not　expected；　indeed；　that　Nancy　would　have　rejoiced；
but　her　attitude；　her　silences；　betraying；　as　they　did；　compunctions；
seemed　to　threaten　our　future　happiness。




XXII。

One　evening　two　or　three　days　later　I　returned　from　the　office　to　gaze　up
at　my　house；　to　realize　suddenly　that　it　would　be　impossible　for　me　to
live　there；　in　those　great；　empty　rooms；　alone；　and　I　told　Maude　that　I
would　go　to　the　Clubduring　her　absence。　　I　preferred　to　keep　up　the
fiction　that　her　trip　would　only　be　temporary。　　She　forbore　from
contradicting　me；　devoting　herself　efficiently　to　the　task　of　closing　the
house；　making　it　seem；　somehow；　a　rite；the　final　rite　in　her　capacity
as　housewife。　　The　drawing…room　was　shrouded；　and　the　library；　the　books
wrapped　neatly　in　paper；　a　smell　of　camphor　pervaded　the　place；　the
cheerful　schoolroom　was　dismantled；　trunks　and　travelling　bags　appeared。
The　solemn　butler　packed　my　clothes；　and　I　arranged　for　a　room　at　the
Club　in　the　wing　that　recently　had　been　added　for　the　accommodation　of
bachelors　and　deserted　husbands。　　One　of　the　ironies　of　those　days　was
that　the　children　began　to　suggest　again　possibilities　of　happiness　I　had
missedespecially　Matthew。　　With　all　his　gentleness；　the　boy　seemed　to
have　a　precocious　understanding　of　the　verities；　and　the　capacity　for
suffering　which　as　a　child　I　had　possessed。　　But　he　had　more　self…
control。　　Though　he　looked　forward　to　the　prospect　of　new　scenes　and
experiences　with　the　anticipation　natural　to　his　temperament；　I　thought
he　betrayed　at　moments　a　certain　intuition　as　to　what　was　going　on。

〃When　are　you　coming　over；　father？〃　he　asked　once。　　〃How　soon　will　your
business　let　you？〃

He　had　been　brought　up　in　the　belief　that　my　business　was　a　tyrant。

〃Oh；　soon；　Matthew；sometime　soon；〃　I　said。

I　had　a　feeling　that　he　understood　me；　not　intellectually；　but
emotionally。　　What　a　companion　he　might　have　been！。。。。　　Moreton　and　Biddy
moved　me　less。　　They　were　more　robust；　more　normal；　less　introspective
and　imaginative；　Europe　meant　nothing　to　them；　but　they　were　frankly
delighted　and　excited　at　the　prospect　of　going　on　the　ocean；　asking
dozens　of　questions　about　the　great　ship；　impatient　to　embark。。。。。

〃I　shan't　need　all　that；　Hugh；〃　Maude　said；　when　I　handed　her　a　letter　of
credit。　　〃II　intend　to　live　quite　simply；　and　my　chief　expenses　will　be
the　children's　education。　　I　am　going　to　give　them　the　best；　of　course。〃

〃Of　course；〃　I　replied。　　〃But　I　want　you　to　live　over　there　as　you　have
been　accustomed　to　live　here。　　It's　not　exactly　generosity　on　my　part；I
have　enough；　and　more　than　enough。〃

She　took　the　letter。

〃Another　thingI'd　rather　you　didn't　go　to　New　York　with　us；　Hugh。　　I
know　you　are　busy〃

〃Of　course　I'm　going；〃　I　started　to　protest。

〃No；〃　she　went　on；　firmly。　　〃I'd　rather　you　didn't。　　The　hotel　people
will　put　me　on　the　steamer　very　comfortably；and　there　are　other　reasons
why　I　do　not　wish　it。〃　　I　did　not　insist。。。。　　On　the　afternoon　of　her
departure；　when　I　came　uptown；　I　found　her　pinning　some　roses　on　her
jacket。

〃Perry　and　Lucia　sent　them；〃　she　informed　me。　　She　maintained　the
friendly；　impersonal　manner　to　the　ve