the hand of ethelberta-第69章

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almost　as　revolutionary　as　Sol。　　Father；　I　cannot　endure　this　kind
of　existence　any　longer；　I　sleep　at　night　as　if　I　had　committed　a
murder：　　I　start　up　and　see　processions　of　people；　audiences；
battalions　of　lovers　obtained　under　false　pretencesall　denouncing
me　with　the　finger　of　ridicule。　　Mother's　suggestion　about　my
marrying　I　followed　out　as　far　as　dogged　resolution　would　carry　me；
but　during　my　journey　here　I　have　broken　down；　for　I　don't　want　to
marry　a　second　time　among　people　who　would　regard　me　as　an　upstart
or　intruder。　　I　am　sick　of　ambition。　　My　only　longing　now　is　to　fly
from　society　altogether；　and　go　to　any　hovel　on　earth　where　I　could
be　at　peace。'

'Whathas　anybody　been　insulting　you？'　said　Mrs。　Chickerel。

'Yes；　or　rather　I　sometimes　think　he　may　have：　　that　is；　if　a
proposal　of　marriage　is　only　removed　from　being　a　proposal　of　a　very
different　kind　by　an　accident。'

'A　proposal　of　marriage　can　never　be　an　insult；'　her　mother
returned。

'I　think　otherwise；'　said　Ethelberta。

'So　do　I；'　said　her　father。

'Unless　the　man　was　beneath　you；　and　I　don't　suppose　he　was　that；'
added　Mrs。　Chickerel。

'You　are　quite　right；　he　was　not　that。　　But　we　will　not　talk　of　this
branch　of　the　subject。　　By　far　the　most　serious　concern　with　me　is
that　I　ought　to　do　some　good　by　marriage；　or　by　heroic　performance
of　some　kind；　while　going　back　to　give　the　rudiments　of　education　to
remote　hamleteers　will　do　none　of　you　any　good　whatever。'

'Never　you　mind　us；'　said　her　father；　'mind　yourself。'

'I　shall　hardly　be　minding　myself　either；　in　your　opinion；　by　doing
that；'　said　Ethelberta　dryly。　'But　it　will　be　more　tolerable　than
what　I　am　doing　now。　　Georgina；　and　Myrtle；　and　Emmeline；　and　Joey
will　not　get　the　education　I　intended　for　them；　but　that　must　go；　I
suppose。'

'How　full　of　vagaries　you　are；'　said　her　mother。　　'Why　won't　it　do
to　continue　as　you　are？　　No　sooner　have　I　learnt　up　your　schemes；
and　got　enough　used　to　'em　to　see　something　in　'em；　than　you　must
needs　bewilder　me　again　by　starting　some　fresh　one；　so　that　my　mind
gets　no　rest　at　all。'

Ethelberta　too　keenly　felt　the　justice　of　this　remark；　querulous　as
it　was；　to　care　to　defend　herself。　　It　was　hopeless　to　attempt　to
explain　to　her　mother　that　the　oscillations　of　her　mind　might　arise
as　naturally　from　the　perfection　of　its　balance；　like　those　of　a
logan…stone；　as　from　inherent　lightness；　and　such　an　explanation；
however　comforting　to　its　subject；　was　little　better　than　none　to
simple　hearts　who　only　could　look　to　tangible　outcrops。

'Really；　Ethelberta；'　remonstrated　her　mother；　'this　is　very　odd。
Making　yourself　miserable　in　trying　to　get　a　position　on　our　account
is　one　thing；　and　not　necessary；　but　I　think　it　ridiculous　to　rush
into　the　other　extreme；　and　go　wilfully　down　in　the　scale。　　You　may
just　as　well　exercise　your　wits　in　trying　to　swim　as　in　trying　to
sink。'

'Yes；　that's　what　I　think；'　said　her　father。　'But　of　course　Berta
knows　best。'

'I　think　so　too；'　said　Gwendoline。

'And　so　do　I；'　said　Cornelia。　'If　I　had　once　moved　about　in　large
circles　like　Ethelberta；　I　wouldn't　go　down　and　be　a　schoolmistress…
…not　I。'

'I　own　it　is　foolishsuppose　it　is；'　said　Ethelberta　wearily；　and
with　a　readiness　of　misgiving　that　showed　how　recent　and　hasty　was
the　scheme。　　'Perhaps　you　are　right；　mother；　anything　rather　than
retreat。　　I　wonder　if　you　are　right！　　Well；　I　will　think　again　of　it
to…night。　　Do　not　let　us　speak　more　about　it　now。'

She　did　think　of　it　that　night；　very　long　and　painfully。　　The
arguments　of　her　relatives　seemed　ponderous　as　opposed　to　her　own
inconsequent　longing　for　escape　from　galling　trammels。　　If　she　had
stood　alone；　the　sentiment　that　she　had　begun　to　build　but　was　not
able　to　finish；　by　whomsoever　it　might　have　been　entertained；　would
have　had　few　terrors；　but　that　the　opinion　should　be　held　by　her
nearest　of　kin；　to　cause　them　pain　for　life；　was　a　grievous　thing。
The　more　she　thought　of　it；　the　less　easy　seemed　the　justification
of　her　desire　for　obscurity。　　From　regarding　it　as　a　high　instinct
she　passed　into　a　humour　that　gave　that　desire　the　appearance　of　a
whim。　　But　could　she　really　set　in　train　events；　which；　if　not
abortive；　would　take　her　to　the　altar　with　Viscount　Mountclere？

In　one　determination　she　never　faltered；　to　commit　her　sin
thoroughly　if　she　committed　it　at　all。　　Her　relatives　believed　her
choice　to　lie　between　Neigh　and　Ladywell　alone。　　But　once　having
decided　to　pass　over　Christopher；　whom　she　had　loved；　there　could　be
no　pausing　for　Ladywell　because　she　liked　him；　or　for　Neigh　in　that
she　was　influenced　by　him。　　They　were　both　too　near　her　level　to　be
trusted　to　bear　the　shock　of　receiving　her　from　her　father's　hands。
But　it　was　possible　that　though　her　genesis　might　tinge　with
vulgarity　a　commoner's　household；　susceptible　of　such　depreciation；
it　might　show　as　a　picturesque　contrast　in　the　family　circle　of　a
peer。　　Hence　it　was　just　as　well　to　go　to　the　end　of　her　logic；
where　reasons　for　tergiversation　would　be　most　pronounced。　　This
thought　of　the　viscount；　however；　was　a　secret　for　her　own　breast
alone。

Nearly　the　whole　of　that　night　she　sat　weighingfirst；　the　question
itself　of　marrying　Lord　Mountclere；　and；　at　other　times；　whether；
for　safety；　she　might　marry　him　without　previously　revealing　family
particulars　hitherto　held　necessary　to　be　revealeda　piece　of
conduct　she　had　once　felt　to　be　indefensible。　　The　ingenious
Ethelberta；　much　more　prone　than　the　majority　of　women　to　theorize
on　conduct；　felt　the　need　of　some　soothing　defence　of　the　actions
involved　in　any　ambiguous　course　before　finally　committing　herself
to　it。

She　took　down　a　well…known　treatise　on　Utilitarianism　which　she　had
perused　once　before；　and　to　which　she　had　given　her　adherence　ere
any　instance　had　arisen　wherein　she　might　wish　to　take　it　as　a
guide。　　Here　she　desultorily　searched　for　argument；　and　found　it；
but　the　application　of　her　author's　philosophy　to　the　marriage
question　was　an　operation　of　her　own；　as　unjustifiable　as　it　was
likely　in　the　circumstances。

'The　ultimate　end；'　she　read；　'with　reference　to　and　for　the　sake　of
which　all　other　things　are　desirable　（whether　we　are　considering　our
own　good　or　that　of　other　people）　is　an　existence　exempt　as　far　as
possible　from　pain；　and　as　rich　as　possible　in　enjoyments；　both　in
point　of　quantity　and　quality。　。　。　。　　This　being；　according　to　the
utilitarian　opinion；　the　end　of　human　action；　is　necessarily　also
the　standard　of　morality。'

It　was　an　open　question；　so　far；　whether　her　own　happiness　should　or
should　not　be　preferred　to　that　of　others。　　But　that　her　personal
interests　were　not　to　be　considered　as　paramount　appeared　further
on：

'The　happiness　which　forms　the　standard　of　what　is　right　in　conduct
is　not　the　agent's　own　happiness　but　that　of　all　concerned。　　As
between　his　own　happiness　and　that　of　others；　utilitarianism
requires　him　to　be　as　strictly　impartial　as　a　disinterested　and
benevolent　spectator。'

As　to　whose　happiness　was　meant　by　that　of　'other　people；'　'all
concerned；'　and　so　on；　her　luminous　moralist　soon　enlightened　her：

'The　occasions　on　which　any　person　（except　one　in　a　thousand）　has　it
in　his　power　to　do　this　on　an　extended　scalein　other　words；　to　be
a　public　benefactorare　but　exceptional；　and　on　these　occasions
alone　is　he　called　on　to　consider　public　utility；　in　every　other
case　private　utility；　the　interest　or　happiness　of　some　few　persons；
is　all　he　has　to　attend　to。'

And　that　these　few　persons　should　be　those　endeared　to　her　by　every
domestic　tie　no　argument　was　needed　to　prove。　　That　their　happiness
would　be　in　proportion　to　her　own　well…doing；　and　power　to　remove
their　risks　of　indigence；　required　no　proving　either　to　her　now。

By　a　sorry　but　unconscious　misapplication　of　sound　and　wide
reasoning　did　the　active　mind　of　Ethelberta　thus　find　itself　a
solace。　　At　about　the　midnight　hour　she　felt　more　fortified　on　the
expediency　of　marriage　with　Lord　Mountclere　than　she　had　done　at　all
since　musing　on　it。　　In　respect　of　the　second　query；　whether　or　not；
in　that　event；　to　conceal　from　Lord　Mountclere　t