the professor at the breakfast table-第5章

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a　Professor　to　the　bough　of　which　his　chair　is　made。　　You　can't　shake

him　off；　and　it　is　as　much　as　you　can　do　to　pull　him　off。　　Hence；　by

a　chain　of　induction　I　need　not　unwind；　he　tends　to　conservatism

generally。



But　then；　you　know；　if　you　are　sailing　the　Atlantic；　and　all　at　once

find　yourself　in　a　current；　and　the　sea　covered　with　weeds；　and　drop

your　Fahrenheit　over　the　side　and　find　it　eight　or　ten　degrees　higher

than　in　the　ocean　generally；　there　is　no　use　in　flying　in　the　face　of

facts　and　swearing　there　is　no　such　thing　as　a　Gulf…Stream；　when　you

are　in　it。



You　can't　keep　gas　in　a　bladder；　and　you　can't　keep　knowledge　tight

in　a　profession。　　Hydrogen　will　leak　out；　and　air　will　leak　in；

through　India…rubber；　and　special　knowledge　will　leak　out；　and

general　knowledge　will　leak　in；　though　a　profession　were　covered　with

twenty　thicknesses　of　sheepskin　diplomas。



By　Jove；　Sir；　till　common　sense　is　well　mixed　up　with　medicine；　and

common　manhood　with　theology；　and　common　honesty　with　law；　We　the

people；　Sir；　some　of　us　with　nut…crackers；　and　some　of　us　with　trip…

hammers；　and　some　of　us　with　pile…drivers；　and　some　of　us　coming　with

a　whish！　like　air…stones　out　of　a　lunar　volcano；　will　crash　down　on

the　lumps　of　nonsense　in　all　of　them　till　we　have　made　powder　of

themlike　Aaron's　calf



＇See　Holmes　poem：　〃When　doctor's　take　what　they　would　give　and

lawyers　give　what　they　would　take　and　strawberries　grow　larger　down

through　the　box。〃　　　D。W。＇



If　to　be　a　conservative　is　to　let　all　the　drains　of　thought　choke　up

and　keep　all　the　soul's　windows　down；to　shut　out　the　sun　from　the

east　and　the　wind　from　the　west；to　let　the　rats　run　free　in　the

cellar；　and　the　moths　feed　their　fill　in　the　chambers；　and　the

spiders　weave　their　lace　before　the　mirrors；　till　the　soul's　typhus

is　bred　out　of　our　neglect；　and　we　begin　to　snore　in　its　coma　or　rave

in　its　delirium；I；　Sir；　am　a　bonnet…rouge；　a　red　cap　of　the

barricades；　my　friends；　rather　than　a　conservative。



Were　you　born　in　Boston；　Sir？said　the　little　man；looking　eager

and　excited。



I　was　not；I　replied。



It's　a　pity；it's　a　pity；said　the　little　man；it　's　the　place　to

be　born　in。　　But　if　you　can't　fix　it　so　as　to　be　born　here；　you　can

come　and　live　here。　　Old　Ben　Franklin；　the　father　of　American　science

and　the　American　Union；　was　n't　ashamed　to　be　born　here。　　Jim　Otis；

the　father　of　American　Independence；　bothered　about　in　the　Cape　Cod

marshes　awhile；　but　he　came　to　Boston　as　soon　as　he　got　big　enough。

Joe　Warren；　the　first　bloody　ruffed…shirt　of　the　Revolution；　was　as

good　as　born　here。　　Parson　Charming　strolled　along　this　way　from

Newport；　and　stayed　here。　　Pity　old　Sam　Hopkins　hadn't　come；　too；

we'd　have　made　a　man　of　him；poor；　dear；　good　old　Christian　heathen！

There　he　lies；　as　peaceful　as　a　young　baby；　in　the　old　burying…

ground！　　I've　stood　on　the　slab　many　a　time。　　Meant　well；meant

well。　　Juggernaut。　　Parson　Charming　put　a　little　oil　on　one　linchpin；

and　slipped　it　out　so　softly；　the　first　thing　they　knew　about　it　was

the　wheel　of　that　side　was　down。　　T'　other　fellow's　at　work　now；　but

he　makes　more　noise　about　it。　　When　the　linchpin　comes　out　on　his

side；　there'll　be　a　jerk；　I　tell　you！　Some　think　it　will　spoil　the

old　cart；　and　they　pretend　to　say　that　there　are　valuable　things　in

it　which　may　get　hurt。　　Hope　not；hope　not。　　But　this　is　the　great

Macadamizing　place；always　cracking　up　something。



Cracking　up　Boston　folks；said　the　gentleman　with　the　diamond…pin；

whom；　for　convenience'　sake；　I　shall　hereafter　call　the　Koh…i…noor。



The　little　man　turned　round　mechanically　towards　him；　as　Maelzel's

Turk　used　to　turn；　carrying　his　head　slowly　and　horizontally；　as　if

it　went　by　cogwheels。　Cracking　up　all　sorts　of　things；native　and

foreign　vermin　included；said　the　little　man。



This　remark　was　thought　by　some　of　us　to　have　a　hidden　personal

application；　and　to　afford　a　fair　opening　for　a　lively　rejoinder；　if

the　Koh…i…noor　had　been　so　disposed。　　The　little　man　uttered　it　with

the　distinct　wooden　calmness　with　which　the　ingenious　Turk　used　to

exclaim；　E…chec！　so　that　it　must　have　been　heard。　　The　party　supposed

to　be　interested　in　the　remark　was；　however；　carrying　a　large　knife…

bladeful　of　something　to　his　mouth　just　then；　which；　no　doubt；

interfered　with　the　reply　he　would　have　made。



My　friend　who　used　to　board　here　was　accustomed　sometimes；　in　a

pleasant　way；　to　call　himself　the　Autocrat　of　the　table；meaning；　I

suppose；　that　he　had　it　all　his　own　way　among　the　boarders。　　I　think

our　small　boarder　here　is　like　to　prove　a　refractory　subject；　if　I

undertake　to　use　the　sceptre　my　friend　meant　to　bequeath　me；　too

magisterially。　　I　won't　deny　that　sometimes；　on　rare　occasions；　when

I　have　been　in　company　with　gentlemen　who　preferred　listening；　I　have

been　guilty　of　the　same　kind　of　usurpation　which　my　friend　openly

justified。　　But　I　maintain；　that　I；　the　Professor；　am　a　good

listener。　　If　a　man　can　tell　me　a　fact　which　subtends　an　appreciable

angle　in　the　horizon　of　thought；　I　am　as　receptive　as　the

contribution…box　in　a　congregation　of　colored　brethren。　　If；　when　I

am　exposing　my　intellectual　dry…goods；　a　man　will　begin　a　good　story；

I　will　have　them　all　in；　and　my　shutters　up；　before　he　has　got　to　the

fifth　〃says　he；〃　and　listen　like　a　three…years'　child；　as　the　author

of　the　〃Old　Sailor〃　says。　　I　had　rather　hear　one　of　those　grand

elemental　laughs　from　either　of　our　two　Georges；　（fictitious　names；

Sir　or　Madam；）　glisten　to　one　of　those　old　playbills　of　our　College

days；　in　which　〃Tom　and　Jerry〃　（〃Thomas　and　Jeremiah；〃　as　the　old

Greek　Professor　was　said　to　call　it）　was　announced　to　be　brought　on

the　stage　with　whole　force　of　the　Faculty；　read　by　our　Frederick；　（no

such　person；　of　course；）　than　say　the　best　things　I　might　by　any

chance　find　myself　capable　of　saying。　　Of　course；　if　I　come　across　a

real　thinker；　a　suggestive；　acute；　illuminating；　informing　talker；　I

enjoy　the　luxury　of　sitting　still　for　a　while　as　much　as　another。



Nobody　talks　much　that　does　n't　say　unwise　things；things　he　did　not

mean　to　say；　as　no　person　plays　much　without　striking　a　false　note

sometimes。　　Talk；　to　me；　is　only　spading　up　the　ground　for　crops　of

thought。　　I　can't　answer　for　what　will　turn　up。　　If　I　could；　it　would

n't　be　talking；　but　〃speaking　my　piece。〃　　Better；　I　think；　the　hearty

abandonment　of　one's　self　to　the　suggestions　of　the　moment　at　the

risk　of　an　occasional　slip　of　the　tongue；　perceived　the　instant　it

escapes；　but　just　one　syllable　too　late；　than　the　royal　reputation　of

never　saying　a　foolish　thing。



What　shall　I　do　with　this　little　man？There　is　only　one　thing　to

do；and　that　is　to　let　him　talk　when　he　will。　　The　day　of　the

〃Autocrat's〃　monologues　is　over。



My　friend；said　I　to　the　young　fellow　whom；　as　I　have　said；　the

boarders　call　〃John；〃My　friend；I　said；　one　morning；　after

breakfast；can　you　give　me　any　information　respecting　the　deformed

person　who　sits　at　the　other　end　of　the　table？



What！　the　Sculpin？said　the　young　fellow。



The　diminutive　person；　with　angular　curvature　of　the　spine；I　said；…

…and　double　talipes　varus；I　beg　your　pardon；with　two　club…feet。



Is　that　long　word　what　you　call　it　when　a　fellah　walks　so？said　the

young　man；　making　his　fists　revolve　round　an　imaginary　axis；　as　you

may　have　seen　youth　of　tender　age　and　limited　pugilistic　knowledge；

when　they　show　how　they　would　punish　an　adversary；　themselves

protected　by　this　rotating　guard；the　middle　knuckle；　meantime；

thumb…supported；　fiercely　prominent；　death…threatening。



It　is；said　I。　But　would　you　have　the　kindness　to　tell　me　if　you

know　anything　about　this　deformed　person？



About　the　Sculpin？said　the　young　fellow。



My　good　friend；said　I；I　am　sure；　by　your　countenance；　you　would

not　hurt　the　feelings　of　one　who　has　been　hardly　enough　treated　by

Nature　to　be　spared　by　his　fellows。　　Even　in　speaking　of　him