fantastic fables-第2章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！




required　to　swear　that　he　has　never　defiled　himself　with　an　



unworthy　woman。　　In　my　desk　you　will　find　a　crimson　candle；　which　



has　been　blessed　by　the　High　Priest　and　has　a　peculiar　mystical　



significance。　　Swear　to　me　that　while　it　is　in　existence　you　will　



not　remarry。〃







The　Woman　swore　and　the　Man　died。　　At　the　funeral　the　Woman　stood　



at　the　head　of　the　bier；　holding　a　lighted　crimson　candle　till　it　



was　wasted　entirely　away。















The　Blotted　Escutcheon　and　the　Soiled　Ermine















A　BLOTTED　Escutcheon；　rising　to　a　question　of　privilege；　said：







〃Mr。　Speaker；　I　wish　to　hurl　back　an　allegation　and　explain　that　



the　spots　upon　me　are　the　natural　markings　of　one　who　is　a　direct　



descendant　of　the　sun　and　a　spotted　fawn。　　They　come　of　no　accident　



of　character；　but　inhere　in　the　divine　order　and　constitution　of　



things。〃







When　the　Blotted　Escutcheon　had　resumed　his　seat　a　Soiled　Ermine　



rose　and　said：







〃Mr。　Speaker；　I　have　heard　with　profound　attention　and　entire　



approval　the　explanation　of　the　honourable　member；　and　wish　to　



offer　a　few　remarks　on　my　own　behalf。　　I；　too；　have　been　foully　



calumniated　by　our　ancient　enemy；　the　Infamous　Falsehood；　and　I　



wish　to　point　out　that　I　am　made　of　the　fur　of　the　MUSTELA　



MACULATA；　which　is　dirty　from　birth。〃















The　Ingenious　Patriot















HAVING　obtained　an　audience　of　the　King　an　Ingenious　Patriot　pulled　



a　paper　from　his　pocket；　saying：







〃May　it　please　your　Majesty；　I　have　here　a　formula　for　constructing　



armour…plating　which　no　gun　can　pierce。　　If　these　plates　are　



adopted　in　the　Royal　Navy　our　warships　will　be　invulnerable；　and　



therefore　invincible。　　Here；　also；　are　reports　of　your　Majesty's　



Ministers；　attesting　the　value　of　the　invention。　　I　will　part　with　



my　right　in　it　for　a　million　tumtums。〃







After　examining　the　papers；　the　King　put　them　away　and　promised　him　



an　order　on　the　Lord　High　Treasurer　of　the　Extortion　Department　for　



a　million　tumtums。







〃And　here；〃　said　the　Ingenious　Patriot；　pulling　another　paper　from　



another　pocket；　〃are　the　working　plans　of　a　gun　that　I　have　



invented；　which　will　pierce　that　armour。　　Your　Majesty's　Royal　



Brother；　the　Emperor　of　Bang；　is　anxious　to　purchase　it；　but　



loyalty　to　your　Majesty's　throne　and　person　constrains　me　to　offer　



it　first　to　your　Majesty。　　The　price　is　one　million　tumtums。〃







Having　received　the　promise　of　another　check；　he　thrust　his　hand　



into　still　another　pocket；　remarking：







〃The　price　of　the　irresistible　gun　would　have　been　much　greater；　



your　Majesty；　but　for　the　fact　that　its　missiles　can　be　so　



effectively　averted　by　my　peculiar　method　of　treating　the　armour　



plates　with　a　new…　〃







The　King　signed　to　the　Great　Head　Factotum　to　approach。







〃Search　this　man；〃　he　said；　〃and　report　how　many　pockets　he　has。〃







〃Forty…three；　Sire；〃　said　the　Great　Head　Factotum；　completing　the　



scrutiny。







〃May　it　please　your　Majesty；〃　cried　the　Ingenious　Patriot；　in　



terror；　〃one　of　them　contains　tobacco。〃







〃Hold　him　up　by　the　ankles　and　shake　him；〃　said　the　King；　〃then　



give　him　a　check　for　forty…two　million　tumtums　and　put　him　to　



death。　　Let　a　decree　issue　declaring　ingenuity　a　capital　offence。〃















Two　Kings















THE　King　of　Madagao；　being　engaged　in　a　dispute　with　the　King　of　



Bornegascar；　wrote　him　as　follows：







〃Before　proceeding　further　in　this　matter　I　demand　the　recall　of　



your　Minister　from　my　capital。〃







Greatly　enraged　by　this　impossible　demand；　the　King　of　Bornegascar　



replied：







〃I　shall　not　recall　my　Minister。　　Moreover；　if　you　do　not　



immediately　retract　your　demand　I　shall　withdraw　him！〃







This　threat　so　terrified　the　King　of　Madagao　that　in　hastening　to　



comply　he　fell　over　his　own　feet；　breaking　the　Third　Commandment。















An　Officer　and　a　Thug















A　CHIEF　of　Police　who　had　seen　an　Officer　beating　a　Thug　was　very　



indignant；　and　said　he　must　not　do　so　any　more　on　pain　of　



dismissal。







〃Don't　be　too　hard　on　me；〃　said　the　Officer；　smiling；　〃I　was　



beating　him　with　a　stuffed　club。〃







〃Nevertheless；〃　persisted　the　Chief　of　Police；　〃it　was　a　liberty　



that　must　have　been　very　disagreeable；　though　it　may　not　have　hurt。　　



Please　do　not　repeat　it。〃







〃But；〃　said　the　Officer；　still　smiling；　〃it　was　a　stuffed　Thug。〃







In　attempting　to　express　his　gratification；　the　Chief　of　Police　



thrust　out　his　right　hand　with　such　violence　that　his　skin　was　



ruptured　at　the　arm…pit　and　a　stream　of　sawdust　poured　from　the　



wound。　　He　was　a　stuffed　Chief　of　Police。















The　Conscientious　Official















WHILE　a　Division　Superintendent　of　a　railway　was　attending　closely　



to　his　business　of　placing　obstructions　on　the　track　and　tampering　



with　the　switches　he　received　word　that　the　President　of　the　road　



was　about　to　discharge　him　for　incompetency。







〃Good　Heavens！〃　he　cried；　〃there　are　more　accidents　on　my　division　



than　on　all　the　rest　of　the　line。〃







〃The　President　is　very　particular；〃　said　the　Man　who　brought　him　



the　news；　〃he　thinks　the　same　loss　of　life　might　be　effected　with　



less　damage　to　the　company's　property。〃







〃Does　he　expect　me　to　shoot　passengers　through　the　car　windows？〃　



exclaimed　the　indignant　official；　spiking　a　loose　tie　across　the　



rails。　　〃Does　he　take　me　for　an　assassin？〃















How　Leisure　Came















A　MAN　to　Whom　Time　Was　Money；　and　who　was　bolting　his　breakfast　in　



order　to　catch　a　train；　had　leaned　his　newspaper　against　the　sugar…



bowl　and　was　reading　as　he　ate。　　In　his　haste　and　abstraction　he　



stuck　a　pickle…fork　into　his　right　eye；　and　on　removing　the　fork　



the　eye　came　with　it。　　In　buying　spectacles　the　needless　outlay　for　



the　right　lens　soon　reduced　him　to　poverty；　and　the　Man　to　Whom　



Time　Was　Money　had　to　sustain　life　by　fishing　from　the　end　of　a　



wharf。















The　Moral　Sentiment















A　PUGILIST　met　the　Moral　Sentiment　of　the　Community；　who　was　



carrying　a　hat…box。　　〃What　have　you　in　the　hat…box；　my　friend？〃　



inquired　the　Pugilist。







〃A　new　frown；〃　was　the　answer。　　〃I　am　bringing　it　from　the　frownery　



…　the　one　over　there　with　the　gilded　steeple。〃







〃And　what　are　you　going　to　do　with　the　nice　new　frown？〃　the　



Pugilist　asked。







〃Put　down　pugilism　…　if　I　have　to　wear　it　night　and　day；〃　said　the　



Moral　Sentiment　of　the　Community；　sternly。







〃That's　right；〃　said　the　Pugilist；　〃that　is　right；　my　good　friend；　



if　pugilism　had　been　put　down　yesterday；　I　wouldn't　have　this　kind　



of　Nose　to…day。　　I　had　a　rattling　hot　fight　last　evening　with　…　〃







〃Is　that　so？〃　cried　the　Moral　Sentiment　of　the　Community；　with　



sudden　animation。　　〃Which　licked？　　Sit　down　here　on　the　hat…box　and　



tell　me　all　about　it！〃















The　Politicians















AN　Old　Politician　and　a　Young　Politician　were　travelling　through　a　



beautiful　country；　by　the　dusty　highway　which　leads　to　the　City　of　



Prosperous　Obscurity。　　Lured　by　the　flowers　and　the　shade　and　



charmed　by　the　songs　of　birds　which　invited　to　woodland　paths　and　



green　fields；　his　imagination　fired　by　glimpses　of　golden　domes　and　



glittering　palaces　in　the　distance　on　either　hand；　the　Young　



Politician　said：







〃Let　us；　I　beseech　thee；　turn　aside　from　this　comfortless　road　



leading；　thou　knowest　whither；　but　not　I。　　Let　us　turn　our　backs　



upon　duty　and　abandon　ourselves　to　the　delights　and　advantages　



which　beckon　from　every　grove　and　call　to　us　from　every　shining　



hill。　　Let　us；　if　so　thou　wilt；　follow　this　beautiful　path；　which；