fantastic fables-第3章

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which　beckon　from　every　grove　and　call　to　us　from　every　shining　



hill。　　Let　us；　if　so　thou　wilt；　follow　this　beautiful　path；　which；　



as　thou　seest；　hath　a　guide…board　saying；　'Turn　in　here　all　ye　who　



seek　the　Palace　of　Political　Distinction。'〃







〃It　is　a　beautiful　path；　my　son；〃　said　the　Old　Politician；　without　



either　slackening　his　pace　or　turning　his　head；　〃and　it　leadeth　



among　pleasant　scenes。　　But　the　search　for　the　Palace　of　Political　



Distinction　is　beset　with　one　mighty　peril。〃







〃What　is　that？〃　said　the　Young　Politician。







〃The　peril　of　finding　it；〃　the　Old　Politician　replied；　pushing　on。















The　Thoughtful　Warden















THE　Warden　of　a　Penitentiary　was　one　day　putting　locks　on　the　doors　



of　all　the　cells　when　a　mechanic　said　to　him：







〃Those　locks　can　all　be　opened　from　the　inside　…　you　are　very　



imprudent。〃







The　Warden　did　not　look　up　from　his　work；　but　said：







〃If　that　is　called　imprudence；　I　wonder　what　would　be　called　a　



thoughtful　provision　against　the　vicissitudes　of　fortune。〃















The　Treasury　and　the　Arms















A　PUBLIC　Treasury；　feeling　Two　Arms　lifting　out　its　contents；　



exclaimed：







〃Mr。　Shareman；　I　move　for　a　division。〃







〃You　seem　to　know　something　about　parliamentary　forms　of　speech；〃　



said　the　Two　Arms。







〃Yes；〃　replied　the　Public　Treasury；　〃I　am　familiar　with　the　hauls　



of　legislation。〃















The　Christian　Serpent















A　RATTLESNAKE　came　home　to　his　brood　and　said：　〃My　children；　gather　



about　and　receive　your　father's　last　blessing；　and　see　how　a　



Christian　dies。〃







〃What　ails　you；　Father？〃　asked　the　Small　Snakes。







〃I　have　been　bitten　by　the　editor　of　a　partisan　journal；〃　was　the　



reply；　accompanied　by　the　ominous　death…rattle。















The　Broom　of　the　Temple















THE　city　of　Gakwak　being　about　to　lose　its　character　of　capital　of　



the　province　of　Ukwuk；　the　Wampog　issued　a　proclamation　convening　



all　the　male　residents　in　council　in　the　Temple　of　Ul　to　devise　



means　of　defence。　　The　first　speaker　thought　the　best　policy　would　



be　to　offer　a　fried　jackass　to　the　gods。　　The　second　suggested　a　



public　procession；　headed　by　the　Wampog　himself；　bearing　the　Holy　



Poker　on　a　cushion　of　cloth…of…brass。　　Another　thought　that　a　



scarlet　mole　should　be　buried　alive　in　the　public　park　and　a　



suitable　incantation　chanted　over　the　remains。　　The　advice　of　the　



fourth　was　that　the　columns　of　the　capitol　be　rubbed　with　oil　of　



dog　by　a　person　having　a　moustache　on　the　calf　of　his　leg。　　When　



all　the　others　had　spoken　an　Aged　Man　rose　and　said：







〃High　and　mighty　Wampog　and　fellow…citizens；　I　have　listened　



attentively　to　all　the　plans　proposed。　　All　seem　wise；　and　I　do　not　



suffer　myself　to　doubt　that　any　one　of　them　would　be　efficacious。　　



Nevertheless；　I　cannot　help　thinking　that　if　we　would　put　an　



improved　breed　of　polliwogs　in　our　drinking　water；　construct　



shallower　roadways；　groom　the　street　cows；　offer　the　stranger　



within　our　gates　a　free　choice　between　the　poniard　and　the　potion；　



and　relinquish　our　private　system　of　morals；　the　other　measures　of　



public　safety　would　be　needless。〃







The　Aged　Man　was　about　to　speak　further；　but　the　meeting　informally　



adjourned　in　order　to　sweep　the　floor　of　the　temple　…　for　the　men　



of　Gakwak　are　the　tidiest　housewives　in　all　that　province。　　The　



last　speaker　was　the　broom。















The　Critics















WHILE　bathing；　Antinous　was　seen　by　Minerva；　who　was　so　enamoured　



of　his　beauty　that；　all　armed　as　she　happened　to　be；　she　descended　



from　Olympus　to　woo　him；　but；　unluckily　displaying　her　shield；　with　



the　head　of　Medusa　on　it；　she　had　the　unhappiness　to　see　the　



beautiful　mortal　turn　to　stone　from　catching　a　glimpse　of　it。　　She　



straightway　ascended　to　ask　Jove　to　restore　him；　but　before　this　



could　be　done　a　Sculptor　and　a　Critic　passed　that　way　and　espied　



him。







〃This　is　a　very　bad　Apollo；〃　said　the　Sculptor：　〃the　chest　is　too　



narrow；　and　one　arm　is　at　least　a　half…inch　shorter　than　the　other。　　



The　attitude　is　unnatural；　and　I　may　say　impossible。　　Ah！　my　



friend；　you　should　see　my　statue　of　Antinous。〃







〃In　my　judgment；　the　figure；〃　said　the　Critic；　〃is　tolerably　good；　



though　rather　Etrurian；　but　the　expression　of　the　face　is　decidedly　



Tuscan；　and　therefore　false　to　nature。　　By　the　way；　have　you　read　



my　work　on　'The　Fallaciousness　of　the　Aspectual　in　Art'？〃















The　Foolish　Woman















A　MARRIED　Woman；　whose　lover　was　about　to　reform　by　running　away；　



procured　a　pistol　and　shot　him　dead。







〃Why　did　you　do　that；　Madam？〃　inquired　a　Policeman；　sauntering　by。







〃Because；〃　replied　the　Married　Woman；　〃he　was　a　wicked　man；　and　had　



purchased　a　ticket　to　Chicago。〃







〃My　sister；〃　said　an　adjacent　Man　of　God；　solemnly；　〃you　cannot　



stop　the　wicked　from　going　to　Chicago　by　killing　them。〃















Father　and　Son















〃MY　boy；〃　said　an　aged　Father　to　his　fiery　and　disobedient　Son；　〃a　



hot　temper　is　the　soil　of　remorse。　　Promise　me　that　when　next　you　



are　angry　you　will　count　one　hundred　before　you　move　or　speak。〃







No　sooner　had　the　Son　promised　than　he　received　a　stinging　blow　



from　the　paternal　walking…stick；　and　by　the　time　he　had　counted　to　



seventy…five　had　the　unhappiness　to　see　the　old　man　jump　into　a　



waiting　cab　and　whirl　away。















The　Discontented　Malefactor















A　JUDGE　having　sentenced　a　Malefactor　to　the　penitentiary　was　



proceeding　to　point　out　to　him　the　disadvantages　of　crime　and　the　



profit　of　reformation。







〃Your　Honour；〃　said　the　Malefactor；　interrupting；　〃would　you　be　



kind　enough　to　alter　my　punishment　to　ten　years　in　the　penitentiary　



and　nothing　else？〃







〃Why；〃　said　the　Judge；　surprised；　〃I　have　given　you　only　three　



years！〃







〃Yes；　I　know；〃　assented　the　Malefactor　…　〃three　years'　imprisonment　



and　the　preaching。　　If　you　please；　I　should　like　to　commute　the　



preaching。〃















A　Call　to　Quit















SEEING　that　his　audiences　were　becoming　smaller　every　Sunday；　a　



Minister　of　the　Gospel　broke　off　in　the　midst　of　a　sermon；　



descended　the　pulpit　stairs；　and　walked　on　his　hands　down　the　



central　aisle　of　the　church。　　He　then　remounted　his　feet；　ascended　



to　the　pulpit；　and　resumed　his　discourse；　making　no　allusion　to　the　



incident。







〃Now；〃　said　he　to　himself；　as　he　went　home；　〃I　shall　have；　



henceforth；　a　large　attendance　and　no　snoring。〃







But　on　the　following　Friday　he　was　waited　upon　by　the　Pillars　of　



the　Church；　who　informed　him　that　in　order　to　be　in　harmony　with　



the　New　Theology　and　get　full　advantage　of　modern　methods　of　Gospel　



interpretation　they　had　deemed　it　advisable　to　make　a　change。　　They　



had　therefore　sent　a　call　to　Brother　Jowjeetum…Fallal；　the　World…



Renowned　Hindoo　Human　Pin…Wheel；　then　holding　forth　in　Hoopitup's　





circus。　　They　were　happy　to　say　that　the　reverend　gentleman　had　



been　moved　by　the　Spirit　to　accept　the　call；　and　on　the　ensuing　



Sabbath　would　break　the　bread　of　life　for　the　brethren　or　break　his　



neck　in　the　attempt。















The　Man　and　the　Lightning















A　MAN　Running　for　Office　was　overtaken　by　Lightning。







〃You　see；〃　said　the　Lightning；　as　it　crept　past　him　inch　by　inch；　



〃I　can　travel　considerably　faster　than　you。〃







〃Yes；〃　the　Man　Running　for　Office　replied；　〃but　think　how　much　



longer　I　keep　going！〃















The　Lassoed　Bear















A　HUNTER　who　had　lassoed　a　Bear　was　trying　to　disengage　himself　



from　the　rope；　but　the　slip…kn