the complete works of artemus ward, part 3-第3章
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a man！ I will take your place in the Dry Goods store。 True； a
musket is a little heavier than a yardstick； but isn't it a
rather more manly weapon？〃
〃I don't see it；〃 was Philander's reply； 〃besides； this war isn't
conducted accordin' to the Constitution and Union。 When it is
when it is； Mabeyuel； I will return and enlist as a
Convalescent！〃
〃Then； sir；〃 she said； with much American disgust in her
countenance； 〃then； sir； farewell！〃
〃Farewell！〃 he said； 〃and When this Cruel War is Over； pray that
we may meet again！〃
〃Nary！〃 cried Mabel； her eyes flashing warm fire；〃nary。 None
but the Brave deserve the Sanitary Fair！ A man who will desert
his country in its hour of trial would drop Faro checks into the
Contribution Box on Sunday。 I hain't got time to tarryI hain't
got time to stay！but here's a gift at parting： a White
Feather： wear it in your hat！〃 and She was Gone from his gaze；
like a beautiful dream。
Stung with remorse and mosquitoes； this miserable young man； in a
fit of frenzy； unsheathed his glittering dry…goods scissors； cut
off four yards （good measure） of the Canada Line； and hanged
himself on a Willow Tree。 Requiescat in Tape。 His stick drifted
to My Country； 'tis of thee！ And may be seen； in connection with
many others； on the stage of any New York theatre every night。
The Canadians won't have any line pretty soon。 The skedaddlers
will steal it。 Then the Canadians won't know whether they're in
the United States or not； in which case they may be drafted。
Mabel married a Brigadier…General； and is happy。
3。5。 A ROMANCEONLY A MECHANIC。
In a sumptuously furnished parlor in Fifth Avenue； New York； sat
a proud and haughty belle。 Her name was Isabel Sawtelle。 Her
father was a millionaire； and his ships； richly laden； ploughed
many a sea。
By the side of Isabel Sawtelle sat a young man with a clear；
beautiful eye； and a massive brow。
〃I must go；〃 he sed； 〃the foreman will wonder at my absence。〃
〃The FOREMAN？〃 asked Isabel in a tone of surprise。
〃Yes； the foreman of the shop where I work。〃
〃ForemanshopWORK！ What！ do YOU work。〃
〃Aye； Miss Sawtelle！ I am a cooper！〃 and his eyes flashed with
honest pride。
〃What's that？〃 she asked； 〃it is something about barrels； isn't
it！〃
〃It is！〃 he said； with a flashing nostril。 〃And hogsheads。〃
〃Then go！〃 she said in a tone of disdain〃go AWAY！〃
〃Ha！〃 he cried； 〃you spurn me； then； because I am a mechanic。
Well； be it so！ though the time will come； Isabel Sawtelle；〃 he
added； and nothing could exceed his looks at this moment〃when
you will bitterly remember the cooper you now so cruelly cast
off？ FAREWELL！〃
。 。 。 。
Years rolled on。 Isabel Sawtelle married a miserable aristocrat；
who recently died of delirium tremens。 Her father failed； and is
now a raving maniac； and wants to bite little children。 All her
brothers （except one） were sent to the penitentiary for burglary；
and her mother peddles clams that are stolen for her by little
George； her only son that has his freedom。 Isabel's sister
Bianca rides an immoral spotted horse in the circus； HER husband
having long since been hanged for murdering his own uncle on his
mother's side。 Thus we see that it is always best to marry a
mechanic。
3。6。 ROBERTO THE ROVER：A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE。
CHAPTER I。FRANCE。
Our story opens in the early part of the year 17。 France was
rocking wildly from centre to circumference。 The arch despot and
unscrupulous man； Richard the III。； was trembling like an aspen
leaf upon his throne。 He had been successful； through the
valuable aid of Richelieu and Sir。 Wm。 Donn； in destroying the
Orleans Dysentery； but still he trembled？ O'Mulligan； the
snake…eater of Ireland； and Schnappsgoot of Holland； a retired
dealer in gin and sardines； had united their forcessome nineteen
men and a brace of bull pups in alland were overtly at work；
their object being to oust the tyrant。 O'Mulligan was a young man
between fifty…three years of age and was chiefly distinguished
for being the son of his aunt on his great grandfather's side。
Schnappsgoot was a man of liberal education； having passed three
weeks at Oberlin College。 He was a man of great hardihood； also；
and would frequently read an entire column of 〃railway matters〃
in the 〃Cleveland Herald〃 without shrieking with agony。
CHAPTER II。THE KING。
The tyrant Richard the III。 （late Mr。 Gloster） sat upon his
throne in the Palace d' St。 Cloud。 He was dressed in his best
clothes； and gorgeous trappings surrounded him everywhere。
Courtiers； in glittering and golden armor； stood ready at his
beck。 He sat moodily for a while； when suddenly his sword
flashed from its silver scabbard； and he shouted
〃Slaves； some wine； ho！〃
The words had scarcely escaped his lips ere a bucket of champagne
and a hoe were placed before him。
As the king raised the bucket to his lips； a deep voice near by；
proceeding from the mouth of the noble Count Staghisnibs； cried
〃Drink hearty； old feller。〃
〃Reports traveling on lightning…wings； whisper of strange goings
on and cuttings up throughout this kingdom。 Knowest thou aught
of these things； most noble Hellitysplit？〃 and the king drew from
the upper pocket of his gold…faced vest a paper of John
Anderson's solace and proceeded to take a chaw。
〃Treason stalks monster…like throughout unhappy France； my
liege！〃 said the noble Hellitysplit。 〃The ranks of the P。Q。R。's
are daily swelling； and the G。R。J。A。's are constantly on the
increase。 Already the peasantry scout at cat…fish； and demand
pickled salmon for their noonday repasts。 But； my liege；〃 and
the brave Hellitysplit eyes flashed fire； 〃myself and sword are
at thy command？〃
〃Bully for you； Count；〃 said the king。 〃But soft： methinks
reportperchance unjustlyhast spoken suspiciously of thee；
most Royal d'Sardine？ How is this？ Is it a newspaper yarn？
WHAT'S UP？〃
D'Sardine meekly approached the throne； knelt at the king's feet；
and said： 〃Most patient； gray； and red…headed skinner； my very
approved skin…plaster： that I've been asked to drink by the
P。Q。R。's； it is most true； true I have imbibed sundry mugs of
lager with them。 The very head and front of my offending hath
this extent； no more。〃
〃'Tis well！〃 said the King； rising and looking fiercely around。
〃Hadst thou proved false I would with my own good sword have cut
off yer head； and spilled your ber…lud all over the floor！ If I
wouldn't； blow me！〃
CHAPTER III。THE ROVER。
Thrilling as the scenes depicted in the preceding chapter
indubitably were； those of this are decidedly THRILLINGER。
Again are we in the mighty presence of the King； and again is
he surrounded by splendour and gorgeously…mailed courtiers。 A
sea…faring man stands before him。 It is Roberto the Rover；
disguised as a common sailor。
〃So；〃 said the King； 〃thou wouldst have audience with me！〃
〃Aye aye； yer 'onor；〃 said the sailor； 〃just tip us yer grapplin
irons and pipe all hands on deck。 Reef home yer jib poop and
splice yer main topsuls。 Man the jibboom and let fly yer
top…gallunts。 I've seen some salt water in my days； yer land
lubber； but shiver my timbers if I hadn't rather coast among
seagulls than landsharks。 My name is Sweet William。 You're old
Dick the Three。 Ahoy！ Awast！ Dam my eyes！〃 and Sweet William
pawed the marble floor and swung his tarpaulin after the manner
of sailors on the stage； and consequently not a bit like those
on shipboard。
〃Mariner；〃 said the King； gravely； 〃thy language is exceeding
lucid； and leads me to infer that things is workin' bad。〃
〃Aye； aye； my hearty！〃 yelled Sweet William； in dulcet strains；
reminding the King of the 〃voluptuous smell of physic；〃 spoken
of by the late Mr。 Byron。
〃What wouldst thou； seafaring man？〃 asked the King。
〃This！〃 cried the Rover； suddenly taking off his maritime
clothing and putting on an expensive suit of silk； bespangled
with diamonds。 〃This！ I am Roberto the Rover！〃
The King was thunder…struck。 Cowering back in his chair of
state； he said in a tone of mingled fear and
