the complete works of artemus ward, part 3-第6章
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The platform was almost torn to pieces。
But proudly erect among the falling timbers stood Pettingill； his
face flashing with wild triumph； and he shouted： 〃If I'm any
judge of pyrotechny； THAT rocket has went off。〃
Then seeing that all the fingers on his right hand had been taken
close off in the explosion； he added： 〃And I ain't so dreadful
certain but four of my fingers has went off with it； because I
don't see 'em here now！〃
3。9。 THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES。
A DUEL IN CLEVELANDDISTANCE TEN PACESBLOODY RESULTFLIGHT OF
ONE OF THE PRINCIPALSFULL PARTICULARS。
A few weeks since a young Irishman name Culkins wandered into
Cleveland from New York。 He had been in America only a short
time。 He overflowed with book learning； but was mournfully
ignorant of American customs； and as innocent and confiding
withal as the Babes in the Wood。 He talked much of his family；
their commanding position in Connaught； Ireland； their immense
respectability； their chivalry； and all that sort of thing。 He
was the only representative of that mighty race in this country。
〃I'm the last of the Culkinses！〃 he would frequently say； with a
tinge of romantic sadness； meaning； we suppose； that he would be
the last when the elder Culkins （in the admired language of the
classics） 〃slipped his wind。〃 Young Culkins proposed to teach
Latin； Greek； Spanish； Fardown Irish； and perhaps Choctaw； to
such youths as desired to become thorough linguists。 He was not
very successful in this line； and concluded to enter the office
of a prominent law firm on Superior Street as a student。 He dove
among the musty and ponderous volumes with all the enthusiasm of
a wild young Irishman； and commenced cramming his head with law
at a startling rate。 He lodged in the back…room of the office；
and previous to retiring he used to sing the favorite ballads of
his own Emerald Isle。 The boy who was employed in the office
directly across the hall used to go to the Irishman's door and
stick his ear to the key…hole with a view to drinking in the
gushing melody by the quart or perhaps pailful。 This vexed Mr。
Culkins； and considerably marred the pleasure of the thing； as
witness the following：
〃O come to me when daylight sets。
＇What yez doing at that door； yer dd spalpane？＇
Sweet； then come to me！
＇I'll twist the nose off yez presently； me honey！＇
When softly glide our gondolettes
＇Bedad； I'll do murther to yez； young gintlemin！＇
O'er the moonlit sea。〃
Of course； this couldn't continue。 This； in short； was rather
more than the blood of the Culkinses could stand； so the young
man； through whose veins such a powerful lot of that blood
courses； sprang to the door； seized the eavesdropping boy； drew
him within； and commenced to severely chastise him。 The boy's
master； the gentleman who occupied the office across the hall；
here interfered； pulled Mr。 Culkins off； thrust him gently
against the wall； and slightly choked him。 Mr。 Culkins bottled
his furious wrath for that night； but in the morning he uncorked
it and threatened the gentleman （whom for convenience sake we
will call Smith） with all sorts of vengeance。 He obtained a
small horsewhip and tore furiously through the town； on the
lookout for Smith。
He sent Smith a challenge； couched in language so scathingly hot
that it burnt holes through the paper； and when it reached Smith
it was riddled like an old…fashioned milk…strainer。 No notice
was taken of the challenge； and Culkins' wrath became absolutely
terrific。 He wrote handbills； which he endeavoured to have
printed； posting Smith as a coward。 He wrote a communication for
the 〃New Herald；〃 explaining the whole matter。 （This wasn't very
rich； we expect。） He urged us to publish his challenge to Smith。
Somebody told him that Smith was intending to flee the city in
fear on an afternoon train； and Culkins proceeded to the depot；
horsewhip in hand； to lie in wait for him。 This was Saturday
last。 During the afternoon Smith concluded to accept the
challenge。 Seconds and a surgeon were selected； and we are
mortified to state that at 10 o'clock in the evening Scanton's
Bottom was desecrated with a regular duel。 The frantic glee of
Culkins when he learned his challenge had been accepted can't be
described。 Our pen can't do ita pig…pen couldn't。 He wrote a
long letter to his uncle in New York； and to his father in
Connaught。 At about ten o'clock the party proceeded to the
field。 The moon was not up； the darkness was dense； the ground
was unpleasantly moist； and the lights of the town； which gleamed
in the distance； only made the scene more desolate and dreary。
The ground was paced off and the men arranged。 While this was
being done； the surgeon； by the light of a dark lantern； arranged
his instruments； which consisted of 1 common hand…saw； 1 hatchet；
1 butcher knife； a large variety of smaller knives； and a small
mountain of old rag。 Neither of the principals exhibited any
fear。 Culkins insisted that； as the challenging party； he had
the right to the word fire。 This； after a bitter discussion； was
granted。 He urged his seconds to place him facing towards the
town； so that the lights would be in his favour。 This was done
without any trouble； the immense benefits of that position not
being discovered by Smith's second。
〃If I fall；〃 said Culkins to his second； 〃see me respectably
buried and forward bill to Connaught。 Believe me； it will be
cashed。〃 The arms （horse…pistols） were given to the men； and one
of Culkins's seconds said：
〃Gentlemen； are you ready？〃
SMITH：Ready。
CULKINS：Ready。 The blood of the Culkinses is aroused！
SECOND：One； Two； Threefire！
Culkins's pistol didn't go off。 Smith didn't fire。
〃That was generous in Smith not to fire；〃 said a second。
〃It was inDADE；〃 said Culkins； 〃I did not think it of the
low…lived scoundrel！〃
The word was again given。 Crack went both pistols
simultaneously。 The smoke slowly cleared away； and the
principals were discovered standing stock…still。 The silence and
stillness for a moment were awful。 No one moved。 Soon Smith was
seen to reel and then to slowly fall。 His second and the surgeon
rushed to him。 Culkins made a tremendous effort to fly from the
field； but was restrained by his seconds。
〃The honor of the Culkinses；〃 he roared； 〃is untarnishedwhy the
divil won't yez let me go？ Hll's blazes； men； will yez be
after giving me over to the bailiffs？ Docther； Docther！〃 he
shouted； 〃is he mortally wounded？〃
The Doctor said he could not tellthat he was wounded in the
shoulderthat a carriage would be sent for and the wounded man
taken to his house。 Here a heart…rending groan came from Smith；
and Culkins； with a Donnybrook shriek； burst from his seconds；
knocked over the doctor's lantern； and fled towards the town like
greased lightning amidst a chorus of excited voices。
〃Hold him！〃
〃Stop him！〃
〃Grab him by the coat…tails！〃
〃Shoot him！〃
〃Head him off！〃
And half of the party started after him at an express…train rate。
There was some very fine running indeed。 Culkins was brought to
a sudden stop against a tall board fence； but he sprang back and
cleared it like an English hunter； and tore like a lunatic for
the city。 Half an hour later the party might have been seen； if
it hadn't been so pesky dark； groping blindly around the office
in which Culkins had been a student at law。
〃Are you here； Culkins？〃 said one。
〃Before Culkins answers that；〃 said a smothered voice in the
little room； 〃tell me who yez are。〃
〃Friendsyour seconds！〃
〃Gintlemin； Culkins is here。 The last of the Culkinses is under
the bed。〃
He was dragged out。
〃I hope；〃 he said； 〃the ignoble wretch is not dead； but I call
you to witness； gintlemen； that he grossly insulted me。〃
（We don't care what folks say； but choking a man is a gross
insult。Ed。 P。D。）
He was persuaded to retire。 There was no danger of his being
disturbed that night； as the watch were sleeping sweetly as usual
in the big arm…chairs of the various hotels； and he would be able
to fly the city in the
