brideshead+revisited-第52章
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'You are not thinking of something else； a little time before？'
'Oh； Charles； that's old history。 That was nothing。 It was never anything。 It's all over and forgotten。'
'I just wanted to know；' I said。 'We're back as we were the day I went abroad； is that it？'
So we started that day exactly where we left off two years before； with my wife in tears。
My wife's softness and English reticence ； her very white； small regular teeth； her neat rosy finger…nails； her schoolgirl air of innocent mischief and her schoolgirl dress； her modern jewellery； which was made at great expense to give the impression； at a distance； of having been mass produced； her ready； rewarding smile； her deference to me and her zeal in my interests； her motherly heart which made her cable daily to the nanny at home … in short； her peculiar charm … made her popular among the Americans； and our cabin on the day of departure was full of cellophane packages … flowers； fruit； sweets； books； toys for the children … from friends she had known for a week。 Stewards； like sisters in a nursing home； used to judge their passengers' importance by the number and value of these trophies； we therefore started the voyage in high esteem。
My wife's first thought on ing aboard was of the passenger list。
'Such a lot of friends；' she said。 'It's going to be a lovely trip。 Let's have a cocktail party this evening。'
The panion…ways were no sooner cast off than she was busy with the telephone。
'Julia。 This is Celia … Celia Ryder。 It's lovely to find you on board。 What have you been up to？ e and have a cocktail this evening and tell me all about it。'
'Julia who？'
'Mottram。 I haven't seen her for years。'
Nor had I； not； in fact； since my wedding day； not to speak to for any time； since the private view of my exhibition where the four canvases of Marchmain House； lent by Brideshead； had hung together attracting much attention。 Those pictures were my last contact with the Flytes； our lives； so close for a year or two； had drawn apart。 Sebastian； I knew； was still abroad； Rex and Julia； I sometimes heard said； were unhappy together。 Rex was not prospering quite as well as had been predicted； he remained on the fringe of the Government； prominent but vaguely suspect。 He lived among the very rich； and in his speeches seemed to incline to revolutionary policies； flirting； with munists and Fascists。 I heard the Mottrams' names in conversation； I saw their faces now and again peeping from the Tatler； as I turned the pages impatiently waiting for someone to e； but they and I had fallen apart； as one could in England and only there； into separate worlds； little spinning planets of personal relationship； there is probably a perfect metaphor for the process to be found in physics； from the way in which； I dimly apprehend； particles of energy group and regroup themselves in separate magnetic systems； a metaphor ready to hand for the man who can speak of these things with assurance； not for me； who can only say that England abounded in these small panies of intimate friends； so that； as in this case of Julia and myself； we could live in the same street in London； see at times； a few miles distant； the rural horizon； could have a liking one for the other； a mild curiosity about the other's fortunes； a regret； even； that we should be separated； and the knowledge that either of us had only to pick up the telephone and speak by the other's pillow； enjoy the intimacies of the levee； ing in； as it were； with the morning orange juice and the sun； yet be restrained from doing so by the centripetal force of our own worlds； and the cold； interstellar space between them。
My wife； perched on the back of the sofa in a litter of cellophane and silk ribbons； continued telephoning； working brightly through the passenger list。。。'Yes； do of course bring him； I'm told he's sweet。。。Yes； I've got Charles back from the wilds at last； isn't it lovely。。。What a treat seeing your name in the list！ It's made my trip。。。darling； we were at the Savoy…Carlton； too； how can we have missed you？'。。。Sometimes she turned to me and said： 'I have to make sure you're still really there。 I haven't got used to it yet。'
I went up and out as we steamed slowly down the river to one of the great glass cases where the passengers stood to watch the land slip by。 'Such a lot of friends；' my wife had said。 They looked a strange crowd to me； the emotions of leave…taking were just beginning to subside； some of them； who had been drinking till the last moment with those who were seeing them off； were still boisterous； others were planning where they； would have their deck chairs； the band played unnoticed … all were as restless as ants。
I turned into some of the halls of the ship； which were huge without any splendour； as though they had been designed for a railway coach and preposterously magnified。 I passed through vast bronze gates on which paper…thin Assyrian animals cavorted； I trod carpets the colour of blotting paper； the painted panels of the walls were like blotting paper； too … kindergarten work in flat； drab colours … and between the walls were yards and yards of biscuit…coloured wood which no carpenter's tool had ever touched； wood that had been bent round ers； invisibly joined strip to strip； steamed and squeezed and polished； all over the blotting…paper carpet were strewn tables designed perhaps by a sanitary engineer； square blocks of stuffing； with square holes for sitting in； and upholstered； it seemed； in blotting paper also； the light of the hall was suffused from scores of hollows； giving an even glow； casting no shadows … the whole place hummed from its hundred ventilators and vibrated with the turn of the great engines below。
'Here I am；' I thought； 'back from the jungle； back from the ruins。 Here where wealth is no longer gorgeous and power has no dignity。 Quomodo sedet sola civitas' （for I had heard that great lament； which Cordelia once quoted to me in the drawing…room of Marchmain House； sung by a half…caste choir in Guatemala； nearly a year ago）。
A steward came up to me。
'Can I get you anything； sir？'
'A whisky and soda； not iced。'
'I'm sorry； sir； all the soda is iced。'
'Is the water iced； too？'
'Oh yes； sir。'
'Well； it； doesn't matter。'
He trotted off； puzzled； soundless in the pervading hum。
'Charles。'
I looked behind me。 Julia was sitting in a cube of blotting paper； her hands folded in her lap； so still that I had passed by without noticing her。
'I heard you were here。 Celia telephoned to me。 It's delightful。'
'What are you doing？'
She opened the empty hands in her lap with a little eloquent gesture。 'Waiting。 My maid's unpacking； she's been so disagreeable ever since we left England。 She's plaining now about my cabin。 I can't think why。 It seems a lap to me。'
The steward returned with whisky and two jugs； one of iced water； the other of boiling water； I mixed them to the rig ht temperature。 He watched and said： 'I'll remember that's how you take it； sir。'
Most passengers had fads； he was paid to fortify their self…esteem。 Julia asked for a cup of hot chocolate。 I sat by her in the next cube。
'I never see you now； ' she said。 'I never seem to see anyone I like。 I don't know why。'
But she spoke as though it were a matter of weeks rather than of years； as though； too； before our parting we had been firm friends。 It was dead contrary to the mon experience of such encounters； when time is found to have built its own defensive lines； camouflaged vulnerable points； and laid a field of mines across all but a few well…trodden paths； so that； more often than not； we can only signal to one another from either side of the tangle of wire。 Here she and I； who were never friends before； met on terms of long and unbroken intimacy。
'What have you been doing in America？'
She looked up slowly from her chocolate and； her splendid； serious eyes in mine； said： 'Don't you know？ I'll tell you about it sometimes I've been a mug。 I thought I was in love with someone； but it didn't turn out that way。' And my mind went back ten years to the evening at Brideshead； when that lovely；
