the water-babies-第22章

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oved　her　very　much：　　but　she　would　not　waken　at　all。　　So　he　took　her　up　in　his　arms　and　carried　her　to　her　governess；　and　they　all　went　home；　and　little　Ellie　was　put　to　bed；　and　lay　there　quite　still；　only　now　and　then　she　woke　up　and　called　out　about　the　water…baby：　　but　no　one　knew　what　she　meant；　and　the　professor　did　not　tell；　for　he　was　ashamed　to　tell。

And；　after　a　week；　one　moonlight　night；　the　fairies　came　flying　in　at　the　window　and　brought　her　such　a　pretty　pair　of　wings　that　she　could　not　help　putting　them　on；　and　she　flew　with　them　out　of　the　window；　and　over　the　land；　and　over　the　sea；　and　up　through　the　clouds；　and　nobody　heard　or　saw　anything　of　her　for　a　very　long　while。

And　this　is　why　they　say　that　no　one　has　ever　yet　seen　a　water…　baby。　　For　my　part；　I　believe　that　the　naturalists　get　dozens　of　them　when　they　are　out　dredging；　but　they　say　nothing　about　them；　and　throw　them　overboard　again；　for　fear　of　spoiling　their　theories。　　But；　you　see　the　professor　was　found　out；　as　every　one　is　in　due　time。　　A　very　terrible　old　fairy　found　the　professor　out；　she　felt　his　bumps；　and　cast　his　nativity；　and　took　the　lunars　of　him　carefully　inside　and　out；　and　so　she　knew　what　he　would　do　as　well　as　if　she　had　seen　it　in　a　print　book；　as　they　say　in　the　dear　old　west　country；　and　he　did　it；　and　so　he　was　found　out　beforehand；　as　everybody　always　is；　and　the　old　fairy　will　find　out　the　naturalists　some　day；　and　put　them　in　the　TIMES；　and　then　on　whose　side　will　the　laugh　be？

So　the　old　fairy　took　him　in　hand　very　severely　there　and　then。　But　she　says　she　is　always　most　severe　with　the　best　people；　because　there　is　most　chance　of　curing　them；　and　therefore　they　are　the　patients　who　pay　her　best；　for　she　has　to　work　on　the　same　salary　as　the　Emperor　of　China's　physicians　（it　is　a　pity　that　all　do　not）；　no　cure；　no　pay。

So　she　took　the　poor　professor　in　hand：　　and　because　he　was　not　content　with　things　as　they　are；　she　filled　his　head　with　things　as　they　are　not；　to　try　if　he　would　like　them　better；　and　because　he　did　not　choose　to　believe　in　a　water…baby　when　he　saw　it；　she　made　him　believe　in　worse　things　than　water…babies　…　in　UNICORNS；　FIRE…　DRAKES；　MANTICORAS；　BASILISKS；　AMPHISBAENAS；　GRIFFINS；　PHOENIXES；　ROCS；　ORCS；　DOG…HEADED　MEN；　THREE…HEADED　DOGS；　THREE…BODIED　GERYONS；　and　other　pleasant　creatures；　which　folks　think　never　existed　yet；　and　which　folks　hope　never　will　exist；　though　they　know　nothing　about　the　matter；　and　never　will；　and　these　creatures　so　upset；　terrified；　flustered；　aggravated；　confused；　astounded；　horrified；　and　totally　flabbergasted　the　poor　professor　that　the　doctors　said　that　he　was　out　of　his　wits　for　three　months；　and　perhaps　they　were　right；　as　they　are　now　and　then。

So　all　the　doctors　in　the　county　were　called　in　to　make　a　report　on　his　case；　and　of　course　every　one　of　them　flatly　contradicted　the　other：　　else　what　use　is　there　in　being　men　of　science？　　But　at　last　the　majority　agreed　on　a　report　in　the　true　medical　language；　one　half　bad　Latin；　the　other　half　worse　Greek；　and　the　rest　what　might　have　been　English；　if　they　had　only　learnt　to　write　it。　　And　this　is　the　beginning　thereof　…


〃The　subanhypaposupernal　anastomoses　of　peritomic　diacellurite　in　the　encephalo　digital　region　of　the　distinguished　individual　of　whose　symptomatic　phoenomena　we　had　the　melancholy　honour　（subsequently　to　a　preliminary　diagnostic　inspection）　of　making　an　inspectorial　diagnosis；　presenting　the　interexclusively　quadrilateral　and　antinomian　diathesis　known　as　Bumpsterhausen's　blue　follicles；　we　proceeded〃　…


But　what　they　proceeded　to　do　My　Lady　never　knew；　for　she　was　so　frightened　at　the　long　words　that　she　ran　for　her　life；　and　locked　herself　into　her　bedroom；　for　fear　of　being　squashed　by　the　words　and　strangled　by　the　sentence。　　A　boa　constrictor；　she　said；　was　bad　company　enough：　　but　what　was　a　boa　constrictor　made　of　paving　stones？

〃It　was　quite　shocking！　　What　can　they　think　is　the　matter　with　him？〃　said　she　to　the　old　nurse。

〃That　his　wit's　just　addled；　may　be　wi'　unbelief　and　heathenry；〃　quoth　she。

〃Then　why　can't　they　say　so？〃

And　the　heaven；　and　the　sea；　and　the　rocks；　and　the　vales　re…echoed　…　〃Why　indeed？〃　　But　the　doctors　never　heard　them。

So　she　made　Sir　John　write　to　the　TIMES　to　command　the　Chancellor　of　the　Exchequer　for　the　time　being　to　put　a　tax　on　long　words；　…

A　light　tax　on　words　over　three　syllables；　which　are　necessary　evils；　like　rats：　　but；　like　them；　must　be　kept　down　judiciously。

A　heavy　tax　on　words　over　four　syllables；　as　HETERODOXY；　SPONTANEITY；　SPIRITUALISM；　SPURIOSITY；　ETC。

And　on　words　over　five　syllables　（of　which　I　hope　no　one　will　wish　to　see　any　examples）；　a　totally　prohibitory　tax。

And　a　similar　prohibitory　tax　on　words　derived　from　three　or　more　languages　at　once；　words　derived　from　two　languages　having　become　so　common　that　there　was　no　more　hope　of　rooting　out　them　than　of　rooting　out　peth…winds。

The　Chancellor　of　the　Exchequer；　being　a　scholar　and　a　man　of　sense；　jumped　at　the　notion；　for　he　saw　in　it　the　one　and　only　plan　for　abolishing　Schedule　D：　　but　when　he　brought　in　his　bill；　most　of　the　Irish　members；　and　（I　am　sorry　to　say）　some　of　the　Scotch　likewise；　opposed　it　most　strongly；　on　the　ground　that　in　a　free　country　no　man　was　bound　either　to　understand　himself　or　to　let　others　understand　him。　　So　the　bill　fell　through　on　the　first　reading；　and　the　Chancellor；　being　a　philosopher；　comforted　himself　with　the　thought　that　it　was　not　the　first　time　that　a　woman　had　hit　off　a　grand　idea　and　the　men　turned　up　their　stupid　noses　thereat。

Now　the　doctors　had　it　all　their　own　way；　and　to　work　they　went　in　earnest；　and　they　gave　the　poor　professor　divers　and　sundry　medicines；　as　prescribed　by　the　ancients　and　moderns；　from　Hippocrates　to　Feuchtersleben；　as　below；　viz。…

1。　　Hellebore；　to　wit　…

Hellebore　of　AEta。　Hellebore　of　Galatia。　Hellebore　of　Sicily。

And　all　other　Hellebores；　after　the　method　of　the　Helleborising　Helleborists　of　the　Helleboric　era。　　But　that　would　not　do。　Bumpsterhausen's　blue　follicles　would　not　stir　an　inch　out　of　his　encephalo　digital　region。

2。　　Trying　to　find　out　what　was　the　matter　with　him；　after　the　method　of

Hippocrates；　Aretaeus；　Celsus；　Coelius　Aurelianus；　And　Galen。

But　they　found　that　a　great　deal　too　much　trouble；　as　most　people　have　since；　and　so　had　recourse　to　…

3。　　Borage。　Cauteries。

Boring　a　hole　in　his　head　to　let　out　fumes；　which　（says　Gordonius）　〃will；　without　doubt；　do　much　good。〃　　But　it　didn't。

Bezoar　stone。　Diamargaritum。　A　ram's　brain　boiled　in　spice。　Oil　of　wormwood。　Water　of　Nile。　Capers。　Good　wine　（but　there　was　none　to　be　got）。　The　water　of　a　smith's　forge。　Ambergris。　Mandrake　pillows。　Dormouse　fat。　Hares'　ears。　Starvation。　Camphor。　Salts　and　senna。　Musk。　Opium。　Strait…waistcoats。　Bullyings。　Bumpings。　Bleedings。　Bucketings　with　cold　water。　Knockings　down。　Kneeling　on　his　chest　till　they　broke　it　in；　etc。　etc。；　after　the　medieval　or　monkish　method：　　but　that　would　not　do。　Bumpsterhausen's　blue　follicles　stuck　there　still。

Then　…

4。　　Coaxing。　Kissing。　Champagne　and　turtle。　Red　herrings　and　soda　water。　Good　advice。　Gardening。　Croquet。　Musical　soirees。　Aunt　Salty。　Mild　tobacco。　The　Saturday　Review。　A　carriage　with　outriders；　etc。　etc。

After　the　modern　method。　　But　that　would　not　do。

And　if　he　had　but　been　a　convict　lunatic；　and　had　shot　at　the　Queen；　killed　all　his　creditors　to　avoid　paying　them；　or　indulged　in　any　other　little　amiable　eccentricity　of　that　kind；　they　would　have　given　him　in　addition　…

The　healthiest　situation　in　England；　on　Easthampstead　Plain。

Free　run　of　Windsor　Forest。

The　TIMES　every　morning。

A　double…barrelled　gun　and　pointers；　and　leave　to　shoot　three　Wellington　College　boys　a　week　（not　more）　in　case　black　game　was　scarce。

But　as　he　was　neither　mad　enough　nor　bad　enough　to　be　allowed　such　luxuries；　they　grew　desperate；　and　fell　into　bad　ways；　viz。　…

5。　　Suffumigations　of　sulphur。　Herrwiggius　his　〃Incomparable　drink　for　madmen：〃

Only　they　could　not　find　out　what　it　was。

Suffumigation　of　the　liver　of　the　fish　*　*　*

Only　they　had　forgotten　its　name；　so　Dr。　Gray　could　not　well　procure　them