the book of snobs-第21章

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mother…in…law？for　whom；　finally；　would　I　wish　to　cater

more　generously　than　for　your　very　humble　servant；　the

present　writer？　　Now；　nobody　supposes　that　the　Birmingham

plate　is　had　out；　the　disguised　carpet…beaters　introduced

to　the　exclusion　of　the　neat　parlour…maid；　the　miserable

ENTREES　from　the　pastrycook's　ordered　in；　and　the

children　packed　off　（as　it　is　supposed）　to　the　nursery；

but　really　only　to　the　staircase；　down　which　they　slide

during　the　dinner…time；　waylaying　the　dishes　as　they　come

out；　and　fingering　the　round　bumps　on　the　jellies；　and

the　forced…meat　balls　in　the　soup；nobody；　I　say；

supposes　that　a　dinner　at　home　is　characterized　by　the

horrible　ceremony；　the　foolish　makeshifts；　the　mean　pomp

and　ostentation　which　distinguish　our　banquets　on　grand

field…days。



Such　a　notion　is　monstrous。　　I　would　as　soon　think　of

having　my　dearest　Bessy　sitting　opposite　me　in　a　turban

and　bird　of　paradise；　and　showing　her　jolly　mottled　arms

out　of　blond　sleeves　in　her　famous　red　satin　gown：　ay；　or

of　having　Mr。　Toole　every　day；　in　a　white　waistcoat；　at

my　back；　shouting；　'Silence　FAW　the　chair！'



Now；　if　this　be　the　case；　if　the　Brummagem…plate　pomp　and

the　processions　of　disguised　footmen　are　odious　and

foolish　in　everyday　life；　why　not　always？　　Why　should

Jones　and　I；　who　are　in　the　middle　rank；　alter　the　modes

of　our　being　to　assume　an　ECLAT　which　does　not　belong　to

usto　entertain　our　friends；　who　（if　we　are　worth

anything　and　honest　fellows　at　bottom；）　are　men　of　the

middle　rank　too；　who　are　not　in　the　least　deceived　by　our

temporary　splendour；　and　who　play　off　exactly　the　same

absurd　trick　upon　us　when　they　ask　us　to　dine？



If　it　be　pleasant　to　dine　with　your　friends；　as　all

persons　with　good　stomachs　and　kindly　hearts　will；　I

presume；　allow　it　to　be；　it　is　better　to　dine　twice　than

to　dine　once。　　It　is　impossible　for　men　of　small　means　to

be　continually　spending　five…and…twenty　or　thirty

shillings　on　each　friend　who　sits　down　to　their　table。

People　dine　for　less。　　I　myself　have　seen；　at　my

favourite　Club　（the　Senior　United　Service）；　His　Grace　the

Duke　of　Wellington　quite　contented　with　the　joint；　one…

and…three；　and　half…pint　of　sherry；　nine；　and　if　his

Grace；　why　not　you　and　I？



This　rule　I　have　made；　and　found　the　benefit　of。

Whenever　I　ask　a　couple　of　Dukes　and　a　Marquis　or　so　to

dine　with　me；　I　set　them　down　to　a　piece　of　beef；　or　a

leg…of…mutton　and　trimmings。　　The　grandees　thank　you　for

this　simplicity；　and　appreciate　the　same。　　My　dear　Jones；

ask　any　of　those　whom　you　have　the　honour　of　knowing；　if

such　be　not　the　case。



I　am　far　from　wishing　that　their　Graces　should　treat　me

in　a　similar　fashion。　　Splendour　is　a　part　of　their

station；　as　decent　comfort　（let　us　trust）；　of　yours　and

mine。　　Fate　has　comfortably　appointed　gold　plate　for

some；　and　has　bidden　others　contentedly　to　wear　the

willow…pattern。　　And　being　perfectly　contented　（indeed

humbly　thankfulfor　look　around；　O　Jones；　and　see　the

myriads　who　are　not　so　fortunate；）　to　wear　honest　linen；

while　magnificos　of　the　world　are　adorned　with　cambric

and　point…lace；　surely　we　ought　to　hold　as　miserable；

envious　fools；　those　wretched　Beaux　Tibbs's　of　society；

who　sport　a　lace　dickey；　and　nothing　besides；the

poor　silly　jays；　who　trail　a　peacock's　feather

behind　them；　and　think　to　simulate　the　gorgeous　bird

whose　nature　it　is　to　strut　on　palace…terraces；　and　to

flaunt　his　magnificent　fan…tail　in　the　sunshine！



The　jays　with　peacocks'　feathers　are　the　Snobs　of　this

world：　and　never；　since　the　days　of　Aesop；　were　they　more

numerous　in　any　land　than　they　are　at　present　in　this

free　country。



How　does　this　most　ancient　apologue　apply　to　the　subject

in　hand？the　Dinner…giving　Snob。　　The　imitation　of　the

great　is　universal　in　this　city；　from　the　palaces　of

Kensingtonia　and　Belgravia；　even　to　the　remotest　corner

of　Brunswick　Square。



Peacocks'　feathers　are　stuck　in　the　tails　of　most

families。　　Scarce　one　of　us　domestic　2birds　but　imitates

the　lanky；　pavonine　strut；　and　shrill；　genteel　scream。

O　you　misguided　dinner…giving　Snobs；　think　how　much

pleasure　you　lose；　and　how　much　mischief　you　do　with　your

absurd　grandeurs　and　hypocrisies！　　You　stuff　each　other

with　unnatural　forced…meats；　and　entertain　each　other　to

the　ruin　of　friendship　（let　alone　health）　and　the

destruction　of　hospitality　and　good…fellowshipyou；　who

but　for　the　peacock's　tail　might　chatter　away　so　much　at

your　ease；　and　be　so　jovial　and　happy！



When　a　man　goes　into　a　great　set　company　of　dinner…giving

and　dinner…receiving　Snobs；　if　he　has　a　philosophical

turn　of　mind；　he　will　consider　what　a　huge　humbug　the

whole　affair　is：　the　dishes；　and　the　drink；　and　the

servants；　and　the　plate；　and　the　host　and　hostess；　and

the　conversation；　and　the　company；the　philosopher

included。



The　host　is　smiling；　and　hob…nobbing；　and　talking　up　and

down　the　table；　but　a　prey　to　secret　terrors　and

anxieties；　lest　the　wines　he　has　brought　up　from　the

cellar　should　prove　insufficient；　lest　a　corked　bottle

should　destroy　his　calculations；　or　our　friend　the

carpet…beater；　by　making　some　BEVUE；　should　disclose　his

real　quality　of　greengrocer；　and　show　that　he　is　not　the

family　butler。



The　hostess　is　smiling　resolutely　through　all　the

courses；　smiling　through　her　agony；　though　her　heart　is

in　the　kitchen；　and　she　is　speculating　with　terror　lest

there　be　any　disaster　there。　　If　the　SOUFFLE　should

collapse；　or　if　Wiggins　does　not　send　the　ices　in　time

she　feels　as　if　she　would　commit　suicidethat　smiling；

jolly　woman！



The　children　upstairs　are　yelling；　as　their　maid　is

crimping　their　miserable　ringlets　with　hot　tongs；　tearing

Miss　Emmy's　hair　out　by　the　roots；　or　scrubbing　Miss

Polly's　dumpy　nose　with　mottled　soap　till　the　little

wretch　screams　herself　into　fits。　　The　young　males　of　the

family　are　employed；　as　we　have　stated；　in　piratical

exploits　upon　the　landing…place。



The　servants　are　not　servants；　but　the　before…mentioned

retail　tradesmen。



The　plate　is　not　plate；　but　a　mere　shiny　Birmingham

lacquer；　and　so　is　the　hospitality；　and　everything　else。



The　talk　is　Birmingham　talk。　　The　wag　of　the　party；　with

bitterness　in　his　heart；　having　just　quitted　his

laundress；　who　is　dunning　him　for　her　bill；　is　firing　off

good　stories；　and　the　opposition　wag　is　furious　that　he

cannot　get　an　innings。　　　Jawkins；　the　great

conversationalist；　is　scornful　and　indignant　with　the

pair　of　them；　because　he　is　kept　out　of　court。　　Young

Muscadel；　that　cheap　dandy；　is　talking　Fashion　and

Almack's　out　of　the　MORNING　POST；　and　disgusting　his

neighbour；　Mrs。　Fox；　who　reflects　that　she　has　never　been

there。　　The　widow　is　vexed　out　of　patience；　because　her

daughter　Maria　has　got　a　place　beside　young　Cambric；　the

penniless　curate；　and　not　by　Colonel　Goldmore；　the　rich

widower　from　India。　　The　Doctor's　wife　is　sulky；　because

she　has　not　been　led　out　before　the　barrister's　lady；　old

Doctor　Cork　is　grumbling　at　the　wine；　and　Guttleton

sneering　at　the　cookery。



And　to　think　that　all　these　people　might　be　so　happy；　and

easy；　and　friendly；　were　they　brought　together　in　a

natural　unpretentious　way；　and　but　for　an　unhappy　passion

for　peacocks'　feathers　in　England。　　Gentle　shades　of

Marat　and　Robespierre！　when　I　see　how　all　the　honesty　of

society　is　corrupted　among　us　by　the　miserable　fashion…

worship；　I　feel　as　angry　as　Mrs。　Fox　just　mentioned；　and

ready　to　order　a　general　BATTUE　of　peacocks。







CHAPTER　XXI



SOME　CONTINENTAL　SNOBS



Now　that　September　has　come；　and　all　our　Parliamentary

duties　are　over；　perhaps　no　class　of　Snobs　are　in　such

high　feather　as　the　Continental　Snobs。　　I　watch　these

daily　as　they　commence　their　migrations　from　the　beach　at

Folkestone。　　I　see　shoals　of　them　depart　（not　perhaps

without　an　innate　longing　too　to　quit　the　Island　along

with　those　happ