the lifted veil(揭起的面纱)-第12章
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my father's deathbed： I had been witnessing the last fitful yearning
glance his soul had cast back on the spent inheritance of lifethe last faint
consciousness of love he had gathered from the pressure of my hand。
What are all our personal loves when we have been sharing in that
supreme agony？ In the first moments when we come away from the
presence of death； every other relation to the living is merged； to our
feeling； in the great relation of a common nature and a common destiny。
In that state of mind I joined Bertha in her private sitting…room。 She
was seated in a leaning posture on a settee； with her back towards the door；
the great rich coils of her pale blond hair surmounting her small neck；
visible above the back of the settee。 I remember； as I closed the door
behind me； a cold tremulousness seizing me； and a vague sense of being
hated and lonelyvague and strong； like a presentiment。 I know how I
looked at that moment； for I saw myself in Bertha's thought as she lifted
her cutting grey eyes； and looked at me： a miserable ghost…seer；
surrounded by phantoms in the noonday； trembling under a breeze when
the leaves were still； without appetite for the common objects of human
desires； but pining after the moon…beams。 We were front to front with
each other； and judged each other。 The terrible moment of complete
illumination had come to me； and I saw that the darkness had hidden no
landscape from me； but only a blank prosaic wall： from that evening forth；
through the sickening years which followed； I saw all round the narrow
room of this woman's soulsaw petty artifice and mere negation where I
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had delighted to believe in coy sensibilities and in wit at war with latent
feelingsaw the light floating vanities of the girl defining themselves into
the systematic coquetry； the scheming selfishness； of the womansaw
repulsion and antipathy harden into cruel hatred； giving pain only for the
sake of wreaking itself。
For Bertha too； after her kind； felt the bitterness of disillusion。 She had
believed that my wild poet's passion for her would make me her slave； and
that； being her slave； I should execute her will in all things。 With the
essential shallowness of a negative； unimaginative nature； she was unable
to conceive the fact that sensibilities were anything else than weaknesses。
She had thought my weaknesses would put me in her power； and she
found them unmanageable forces。 Our positions were reversed。 Before
marriage she had completely mastered my imagination； for she was a
secret to me； and I created the unknown thought before which I trembled
as if it were hers。 But now that her soul was laid open to me； now that I
was compelled to share the privacy of her motives； to follow all the petty
devices that preceded her words and acts； she found herself powerless with
me； except to produce in me the chill shudder of repulsionpowerless；
because I could be acted on by no lever within her reach。 I was dead to
worldly ambitions； to social vanities； to all the incentives within the
compass of her narrow imagination； and I lived under influences utterly
invisible to her。
She was really pitiable to have such a husband； and so all the world
thought。 A graceful； brilliant woman； like Bertha； who smiled on
morning callers； made a figure in ball…rooms； and was capable of that light
repartee which； from such a woman； is accepted as wit； was secure of
carrying off all sympathy from a husband who was sickly； abstracted； and；
as some suspected； crack… brained。 Even the servants in our house gave
her the balance of their regard and pity。 For there were no audible
quarrels between us； our alienation； our repulsion from each other； lay
within the silence of our own hearts； and if the mistress went out a great
deal； and seemed to dislike the master's society； was it not natural； poor
thing？ The master was odd。 I was kind and just to my dependants； but I
excited in them a shrinking； half…contemptuous pity； for this class of men
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and women are but slightly determined in their estimate of others by
general considerations； or even experience； of character。 They judge of
persons as they judge of coins； and value those who pass current at a high
rate。
After a time I interfered so little with Bertha's habits that it might seem
wonderful how her hatred towards me could grow so intense and active as
it did。 But she had begun to suspect； by some involuntary betrayal of
mine； that there was an abnormal power of penetration in methat fitfully；
at least； I was strangely cognizant of her thoughts and intentions； and she
began to be haunted by a terror of me； which alternated every now and
then with defiance。 She meditated continually how the incubus could be
shaken off her lifehow she could be freed from this hateful bond to a
being whom she at once despised as an imbecile； and dreaded as an
inquisitor。 For a long while she lived in the hope that my evident
wretchedness would drive me to the commission of suicide； but suicide
was not in my nature。 I was too completely swayed by the sense that I
was in the grasp of unknown forces； to believe in my power of self…release。
Towards my own destiny I had become entirely passive； for my one ardent
desire had spent itself； and impulse no longer predominated over
knowledge。 For this reason I never thought of taking any steps towards a
complete separation； which would have made our alienation evident to the
world。 Why should I rush for help to a new course； when I was only
suffering from the consequences of a deed which had been the act of my
intensest will？ That would have been the logic of one who had desires to
gratify； and I had no desires。 But Bertha and I lived more and more aloof
from each other。 The rich find it easy to live married and apart。
That course of our life which I have indicated in a few sentences filled
the space of years。 So much miseryso slow and hideous a growth of
hatred and sin； may be compressed into a sentence！ And men judge of
each other's lives through this summary medium。 They epitomize the
experience of their fellow…mortal； and pronounce judgment on him in neat
syntax； and feel themselves wise and virtuousconquerors over the
temptations they define in well… selected predicates。 Seven years of
wretchedness glide glibly over the lips of the man who has never counted
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them out in moments of chill disappointment； of head and heart throbbings；
of dread and vain wrestling； of remorse and despair。 We learn WO
