the moon and sixpence(月球和六便士)-第31章
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boring her。 She put on a coat and her hat。 She moved towards the door；
and he saw that in a moment she would be gone。 He went up to her
quickly and fell on his knees before her； seizing her hands： he
abandoned all self…respect。
〃Oh； don't go； my darling。 I can't live without you； I shall kill myself。
If I've done anything to offend you I beg you to forgive me。 Give me
another chance。 I'll try harder still to make you happy。〃
〃Get up； Dirk。 You're making yourself a perfect fool。〃
He staggered to his feet； but still he would not let her go。
〃Where are you going？〃 he said hastily。 〃You don't know what
Strickland's place is like。 You can't live there。 It would be awful。〃
〃If I don't care； I don't see why you should。〃
〃Stay a minute longer。 I must speak。 After all； you can't grudge me
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that。〃
〃What is the good？ I've made up my mind。 Nothing that you can say
will make me alter it。〃
He gulped； and put his hand to his heart to ease its painful beating。
〃I'm not going to ask you to change your mind； but I want you to listen
to me for a minute。 It's the last thing I shall ever ask you。 Don't refuse
me that。〃
She paused； looking at him with those reflective eyes of hers； which
now were so different to him。 She came back into the studio and leaned
against the table。
〃Well？〃
Stroeve made a great effort to collect himself。
〃You must be a little reasonable。 You can't live on air； you know。
Strickland hasn't got a penny。〃
〃I know。〃
〃You'll suffer the most awful privations。 You know why he took so
long to get well。 He was half starved。〃
〃I can earn money for him。〃
〃How？〃
〃I don't know。 I shall find a way。〃
A horrible thought passed through the Dutchman's mind； and he
shuddered。
〃I think you must be mad。 I don't know what has come over you。〃
She shrugged her shoulders。
〃Now may I go？〃
〃Wait one second longer。〃
He looked round his studio wearily； he had loved it because her
presence had made it gay and homelike； he shut his eyes for an instant；
then he gave her a long look as though to impress on his mind the picture
of her。 He got up and took his hat。
〃No； I'll go。〃
〃You？〃
She was startled。 She did not know what he meant。
〃I can't bear to think of you living in that horrible； filthy attic。 After
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all； this is your home just as much as mine。 You'll be comfortable here。
You'll be spared at least the worst privations。〃
He went to the drawer in which he kept his money and took out
several bank…notes。
〃I would like to give you half what I've got here。〃
He put them on the table。 Neither Strickland nor his wife spoke。
Then he recollected something else。
〃Will you pack up my clothes and leave them with the concierge？ I'll
come and fetch them to…morrow。〃 He tried to smile。〃 Good…bye； my dear。
I'm grateful for all the happiness you gave me in the past。〃
He walked out and closed the door behind him。 With my mind's eye I
saw Strickland throw his hat on a table； and； sitting down； begin to smoke
a cigarette。
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Chapter XXIX
I kept silence for a little while； thinking of what Stroeve had told me。
I could not stomach his weakness； and he saw my disapproval。 〃You
know as well as I do how Strickland lived；〃 he said tremulously。 〃I
couldn't let her live in those circumstances I simply couldn't。〃
〃That's your business；〃 I answered。
〃What would have done？〃 he asked。
〃She went with her eyes open。 If she had to put up with certain
inconveniences it was her own lookout。〃
〃Yes； but； you see； you don't love her。〃
〃Do you love her still？〃
〃Oh； more than ever。 Strickland isn't the man to make a woman
happy。 It can't last。 I want her to know that I shall never fail her。〃
〃Does that mean that you're prepared to take her back？〃
〃I shouldn't hesitate。 Why； she'll want me more than ever then。 When
she's alone and humiliated and broken it would be dreadful if she had
nowhere to go。〃
He seemed to bear no resentment。 I suppose it was commonplace in
me that I felt slightly outraged at his lack of spirit。 Perhaps he guessed
what was in my mind； for he said：
〃I couldn't expect her to love me as I loved her。 I'm a buffoon。 I'm
not the sort of man that women love。 I've always known that。 I can't
blame her if she's fallen in love with Strickland。〃
〃You certainly have less vanity than any man I've ever known；〃 I said。
〃I love her so much better than myself。 It seems to me that when
vanity comes into love it can only be because really you love yourself best。
After all； it constantly happens that a man when he's married falls in love
with somebody else； when he gets over it he returns to his wife； and she
takes him back； and everyone thinks it very natural。 Why should it be
different with women？〃
〃I dare say that's logical；〃 I smiled； 〃but most men are made differently；
and they can't。〃
But while I talked to Stroeve I was puzzling over the suddenness of the
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whole affair。 I could not imagine that he had had no warning。 I
remembered the curious look I had seen in Blanche Stroeve's eyes；
perhaps its explanation was that she was growing dimly conscious of a
feeling in her heart that surprised and alarmed her。
〃Did you have no suspicion before to…day that there was anything
between them？〃 I asked。
He did not answer for a while。 There was a pencil on the table； and
unconsciously he drew a head on the blotting…paper。
〃Please say so； if you hate my asking you questions；〃 I said。
〃It eases me to talk。 Oh； if you knew the frightful anguish in my
heart。〃 He threw the pencil down。 〃Yes； I've known it for a fortnight。
I knew it before she did。〃
〃Why on earth didn't you send Strickland packing？〃
〃I couldn't believe it。 It seemed so improbable。 She couldn't bear the
sight of him。 It was more than improbable； it was incredible。 I thought
it was merely jealousy。 You see； I've always been jealous； but I trained
myself never to show it； I was jealous of every man she knew； I was
jealous of you。 I knew she didn't love me as I loved her。 That was only
natural； wasn't it？ But she allowed me to love her； and that was enough
to make me happy。 I forced myself to go out for hours together in order
to leave them by them
